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Anxiety over reputation fears

Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
1
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0
#1
To put things simply, I betrayed a former friend of mine a couple of years ago and took things way too far.

I know better now. I am no longer a betrayer and I would never, ever escalate things as far as I did. It was literally the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life, and I will never be forgiven by him. I hate who I used to be. Years later, I still feel the guilt and wish I could do something to make everything right even though that's impossible.

I constantly worry about him telling people what I did and how I treated him.

I am afraid of losing my connections if they found out my secret.
I am afraid of my friends turning their backs on me.
I am afraid of family members disowning me.
I am afraid of losing my job if they found out because they don't want the negative PR. They put out a statement about firing me and then I can never find another job afterwards.
I am afraid of news outlets writing about my harassment and everybody knows, ruining my life.
I am afraid of the first page of googling my name would bring up something like this, ruining my life
I am afraid of becoming popular and him noticing me, getting mad and spilling the beans which then ruins my life.

This is baggage that I have been carrying around me for three years.

Every single day, I wonder and worry if my entire life will be taken away from me because somebody finds out, word goes around and suddenly the whole world knows what I did. Then, what I did in the past becomes my identity for the entire world and I will not be allowed to live a successful life because nobody wants to associate themselves with me.

I have not done anything even close to what I did back then and I've done a lot of good things for people, but none of that matters if they find out about this.

Logically I know there's nothing I can do but live my life. I go about every day trying to be a good person to others, but afraid that everything I've ever worked for in my entire life will mean nothing, because of what I did. I've tried many things like therapy and prescription meds but I continue to have these panic attacks over what I did and what might happen.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
3
Likes
1
#2
I see it as your past experience shaped you to be a better person. I look up to the fact that you owned your mistake and flaw, that it's a big part of your life. But that is only one thing and you are more than that. The legal part I am not sure, but you are attempting to better yourself w therapy. Maybe write out other things about yourself, and esp good qualities like what are your accomplishments?

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Rinka

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Jul 3, 2016
Messages
749
Likes
291
#3
To put things simply, I betrayed a former friend of mine a couple of years ago and took things way too far.

I know better now. I am no longer a betrayer and I would never, ever escalate things as far as I did. It was literally the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life, and I will never be forgiven by him. I hate who I used to be. Years later, I still feel the guilt and wish I could do something to make everything right even though that's impossible.

I constantly worry about him telling people what I did and how I treated him.

I am afraid of losing my connections if they found out my secret.
I am afraid of my friends turning their backs on me.
I am afraid of family members disowning me.
I am afraid of losing my job if they found out because they don't want the negative PR. They put out a statement about firing me and then I can never find another job afterwards.
I am afraid of news outlets writing about my harassment and everybody knows, ruining my life.
I am afraid of the first page of googling my name would bring up something like this, ruining my life
I am afraid of becoming popular and him noticing me, getting mad and spilling the beans which then ruins my life.

This is baggage that I have been carrying around me for three years.

Every single day, I wonder and worry if my entire life will be taken away from me because somebody finds out, word goes around and suddenly the whole world knows what I did. Then, what I did in the past becomes my identity for the entire world and I will not be allowed to live a successful life because nobody wants to associate themselves with me.

I have not done anything even close to what I did back then and I've done a lot of good things for people, but none of that matters if they find out about this.

Logically I know there's nothing I can do but live my life. I go about every day trying to be a good person to others, but afraid that everything I've ever worked for in my entire life will mean nothing, because of what I did. I've tried many things like therapy and prescription meds but I continue to have these panic attacks over what I did and what might happen.
Hi @Drubb have you ever openly talked about your past? It seems that you need some kind of absolution or atonement. I don’t know what you did and I guess you are not ready to share, which is ok. I think however, that you should talk about it somehow maybe with s professional, because the guilt seems to eat you up and is stopping you to progress in life. The thing is even convicted criminals get a chance of a new life after they have done their time. Why shouldn’t you have the same experience?
 
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