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Anxiety As a Result, Not a Cause

haeshin9

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Jul 21, 2019
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I am ready to break down, cry, scream, kick my arms and legs in the air like a crazed toddler...if my cursed back pain would let me. That being said, read on only if you have a high tolerance for long rants and venting.

At the moment I am completely unable to sleep at night because of my lower back pain despite feeling sleepy. On most days the pain is very mild, can't really be called pain at all, but my period just started and that's when the back pain kicks up to Level 9999999. Maybe I'm exaggerating from lack of sleep, pain, hormones, and stifling summer heat, but NOTHING WORKS. Stretching, walking, sleeping positions, painkillers, ice pack, posture change, NOTHING. If I'm lucky I'll conk out at random for 20 minutes max because of the Midol I'm taking right now. However, as I said, NOTHING WORKS. It is a special kind of hell when you've also got to deal with blood and stink constantly coming out of your hoo-ha for the next couple of days, not to mention wanting badly to lie down and rest but being unable to because lying down is usually what sets the pain off!

I've already seen the doctor and am currently taking tests, but there's nothing yet and he didn't seem concerned about anything when I first saw him. Maybe I didn't describe the pain well enough? Did I forget to mention something that might be super important? What if I need surgery? Do I have a serious disease? Anyway that's Health Anxiety Source #1. Number two would be every site I look up spends 99% of the article describing cause of the pain and possible diseases, not sparing a single sentence as to finding relief despite 'ways to relieve pain' being in the title, much less instant relief. It makes me want to scream and bash my computer, then myself for relying on the Internet. Anxiety Source #3 is the unwanted advice I get from people, unwanted because half of it blames me for my pain and the other half is a series of 'you should do this, do this, do this, do this, why are you being stupid and not doing this?'. Oh, and they also recommend using heat a lot, but all heat's ever done is make me feel even worse no matter what ailment I use it for.

The end result is me wailing on the inside while seeming calm on the outside asI wait for the phone call from the doc's office telling me what my results mean and what I have to do next. This is doubly terrifying because last time I saw the doctor, I got a call from some dude saying 'oh, hey, you have so and so, you need to have surgery so we'll send you a referral letter, you make the appointment and drive to wherever'. WHY DO THEY TELL ME OVER THE PHONE ABOUT SOMETHING SERIOUS LIKE SURGERY? Even worse, I went through the scare for nothing! The surgeon himself recommended highly against surgery for various reasons. I want the weeks I spent in terror back!

At the end of it all I'm starting to think about switching healthcare providers. My current one is always sending me to different towns and people for each test, which is hell for an anxious person like me. Also, I'd rather not have some random person who ISN'T my doctor tell me over the phone that I need something serious like surgery. Not that it matters since I'm always seeing a different doctor (from the same practice) because of one reason or another, to the point where I'm not sure I've even met the one I was assigned to by my insurance. They all have a nice manner but to some degree give me the impression they're in a hurry.

There is no one I can talk to. The one friend I have serious talks which is going through problems with her marriage to the point where 'divorce' keeps popping up. I'm not at all that close to any other of my friends, and I'm definitely too socially anxious to talk to a stranger even if they're a professional who can help. My dad badgers me about things I should be doing because not doing them is a mistake, it's all my fault I'm not doing them, plus he really doesn't understand when I'm scared, as in he thinks it's nothing to be scared of at all so come on, just get through it. My sibling gleefully tells me detailed medical stories even when I tell her it's really bothering me. Mom did make her shut up, but Mom also demands to know things to the point where I question myself and think I've made a mistake by missing something. They're all shocked that I didn't tell them anything sooner, or that I didn't tell them at all, which I don't unless I have to because of the reasons just listed. Nowadays I want to scream at them "I'm already seeing a doctor, tests are underway, isn't that what I should be doing? WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!'. But whenever I get close to saying this out loud they get annoyed with me like I've wronged them or something.

There doesn't seem to be a single online forum about stress as a RESULT of illness rather than being the CAUSE of illness, as if nobody before me has ever gotten scared because of their bad health. Does that mean I'm a freak by being the only one who is? I'm also sick to death of people giving me (very often the exact same useless) suggestions on what to do when what I really need is an open ear, not a open mouth, the latter just giving me more stress than before. I can't enjoy the things I normally like because I'm too busy dreading my test results and another surgery scare that might turn out to be a reality this time. I JUST WANT THIS OVER. I WANT THE PAIN GONE. IS IT REALLY ALL MY FAULT? NOTHING WORKS!
 

Ashleyspicer84

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Oct 18, 2018
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Have you been checked for endometriosis? I was having pain like you’re describing. My Obgyn put me on the pill and I haven’t had the pain since.
 
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