Anxiety and fake public mask

[prismpower]

I feel that my anxiety has given me the ability to manipulate others well, and tell them exactly what I know they want to hear, as a way to avoid having to deal with my own anxiety issues. I have people pleased too well IRL, and I have done it to any type of person. It is very easy for me to 'read them' and see right through them, what type of person they are and then say what I know they want to hear, to manipulate them... so they will leave me alone. And I have gotten away with this for way too long. The anxiety doesn't want to be 'found out' by others, or even to myself most of the time. I have tried to sugar coat it, cover it up with too much humor- but the anxiety was always there under the surface, never dealt with. And the main reason why I am not as far along in life as I should be.

This has also resulted in others liking me (though of course it's a superficial 'like') more than I am liking myself, for fear of offending others by not people pleasing them, or telling them what they want to hear vs what they need to hear. This doesn't mean I have to be some cruel asshole but it does mean that it is time I stood up for myself and faced my own anxiety, rather than try to quell the anxiety by playing "the nice guy." Others/myself deserve to know the real me, not the mask me that only exists to serve to protect my anxiety.

 

[triceps]

I feel that my anxiety has given me the ability to manipulate others well, and tell them exactly what I know they want to hear, as a way to avoid having to deal with my own anxiety issues. I have people pleased too well IRL, and I have done it to any type of person. It is very easy for me to 'read them' and see right through them, what type of person they are and then say what I know they want to hear, to manipulate them... so they will leave me alone. And I have gotten away with this for way too long. The anxiety doesn't want to be 'found out' by others, or even to myself most of the time. I have tried to sugar coat it, cover it up with too much humor- but the anxiety was always there under the surface, never dealt with. And the main reason why I am not as far along in life as I should be.

This has also resulted in others liking me (though of course it's a superficial 'like') more than I am liking myself, for fear of offending others by not people pleasing them, or telling them what they want to hear vs what they need to hear. This doesn't mean I have to be some cruel asshole but it does mean that it is time I stood up for myself and faced my own anxiety, rather than try to quell the anxiety by playing "the nice guy." Others/myself deserve to know the real me, not the mask me that only exists to serve to protect my anxiety.

Hi prismpower. I think you're heading in the right direction. It took me at least 30 years of people pleasing and hiding my anxiety before trying to find my natural self and lead my life regardless of what others thought of me. It's the best decision I ever made. It really helped how I felt about myself (which hadn't been very good) and with a few exceptions, I didn't lose friends or family relationships. I'm assuming you're generally a nice person like myself so there isn't the possibility of being intentionally cruel to anyone.
A personality change like this takes much conscious effort and I wish you the best in accomplishing the change. You'll be very happy if you succeed and be more confident in many areas of your life.
I still suggest that you cease all forms of treatment for your bronchitis and see how that works for you. Good luck, I'm proud of you.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

I feel that my anxiety has given me the ability to manipulate others well, and tell them exactly what I know they want to hear, as a way to avoid having to deal with my own anxiety issues. I have people pleased too well IRL, and I have done it to any type of person. It is very easy for me to 'read them' and see right through them, what type of person they are and then say what I know they want to hear, to manipulate them... so they will leave me alone. And I have gotten away with this for way too long. The anxiety doesn't want to be 'found out' by others, or even to myself most of the time. I have tried to sugar coat it, cover it up with too much humor- but the anxiety was always there under the surface, never dealt with. And the main reason why I am not as far along in life as I should be.

This has also resulted in others liking me (though of course it's a superficial 'like') more than I am liking myself, for fear of offending others by not people pleasing them, or telling them what they want to hear vs what they need to hear. This doesn't mean I have to be some cruel asshole but it does mean that it is time I stood up for myself and faced my own anxiety, rather than try to quell the anxiety by playing "the nice guy." Others/myself deserve to know the real me, not the mask me that only exists to serve to protect my anxiety.

This is really hard, huh? I think it's great that you're looking for a more authentic version of yourself, and yes, I think you'll be more at peace. And like @triceps said, you won't lose any real relationships over it. I DO want to say, though, that you are being awfully hard on yourself - being a pleaser means you are nervous and insecure, possibly, but doesn't make you a manipulator. It honestly means that underneath, you are probably deeply perceptive and empathetic, with a great capacity for reading and connecting with other people where they are. What if instead of pleasing people, you could use that same ability to connect with others and their struggles? Imagine the friendships and relationships you could have when you open up. So don't beat yourself up - you obviously have some gifts, and they aren't evil. We're all growing - little by little. Love yourself today...

 

[guitarman65]

We deserve an Academy award for hiding our anxiety! MUCH more harder than being batman or any other scripted character in a movie! I know i try to "smile" on the rare times I do go somewhere, if only for a few minutes, even though most times I know I feel much worse than most at the time. "And the academy award for best actor in life goes to...All us sufferers!"

 

[triceps]

We deserve an Academy award for hiding our anxiety! MUCH more harder than being batman or any other scripted character in a movie! I know i try to "smile" on the rare times I do go somewhere, if only for a few minutes, even though most times I know I feel much worse than most at the time. "And the academy award for best actor in life goes to...All us sufferers!"

I had to quit hiding it as it was too hard. Things have been much better after I quit. So called "friends" couldn't handle it but many true friends and family, although not necessarily understanding my plight, adjusted to the true me and accepted my limitations.

 

[guitarman65]

I applaud your stand tri, in a weird way, i think i try to "smile" and fake it as a kinda way of tricking myself more than others into thinking im not feeling that bad, when in fact..most times i am. I know that sounds weird, but i think thats my reasoning for an "act" its not to deceive anyone at all...i think its a defense mechanism of sort, if that makes any sense at all...but, none of this anxiety makes any sense when u want it to! Thanks for the reply my friend

 

[triceps]

I applaud your stance also guitarman, I'm a "whatever works" person. Plus I'm confident that I'm much older than you which makes it easier to not be concerned about what others think of me. But, I truly do understand your rationale and respect that.

 

[guitarman65]

Im 53, and i feel like ive had this damn anxiety for 60 years! Dont know how that works out. "Whatever works" is right, you hit the nail on the head there Tri!