JustBeHappyG
New Member
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2018
- Messages
- 26
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I know the answer to this but I just have to get it out because it's been a rough week. I have GAD and have been working with it after a major panic attack 3 years ago brought about by the possibility of a change (move). I initially attributed it to my (then) fiancé, thinking it wasn't about the move, it was about moving with HIM. I worked though it, got through it, we got married (no anxiety), honeymoon (fine), and then last year I decided to move for a new job. I cam out to the city and stayed with his parents no problem for a month or so, started my new job- all fine. He came out and a few months later we bought a house. After we bought the house about a day or so later I had a HUGE panic attack. What did I do? Now I was stuck. And I was stuck with a man that maybe was the reason I felt stuck. So I worked through this anxiety episode, started to love my house (which I absolutely do now, it's home to me), and I felt so bad for my husband because it seemed like every 'exciting' thing we should have been celebrating, was overcome with my anxiety and doubts. A month or so later my husband got changed to a different shift at his work. I had anxiety again because I'd never see him and be alone in this new city with this new house. On top of this, we found a dog that was abused, and rescued it. We already had 2 dogs, so now we had 2 dogs and a puppy. This furthered my anxiety and panic, but I continued working through it. I was actually doing really well the last 8 months and had hardly any anxiety, until last week. My company is being purchased and changes are happening, and my husband got moved shifts (again). On Friday I was on my way to get groceries, and I had a melt down in the car. Just started crying, and that familiar panic and anxiety feeling I'm so used to. At the time, I attributed it to my stress and changes. My husband told me to make a list of stressors, and he took some of what I was concerned about off my plate. Actually even after the puppy and the house when I'd get to work and be crying in my car unable to go in, he would wake up and call me and talk me through my breathing exercises. He's actually amazing with this.
So the problem is, every time I have panic attacks or anxiety now, it ends up being attributed to my husband. To the point where I was calling my parents this week telling them I think I should separate from him because I think I married the wrong person. My mind always goes crazy places, makes me question and over analyze EVERYTHING. I think about if I've actually been happy all along and I've just been making it through the relationship, did I marry the right person or why would I always feel anxiety towards him in stressful situations. I nitpick his habits - this morning he brought me breakfast off of his night shift because I've had so many stomach aches over this week, and I watched him playing with the dogs, and I thought "look at him playing, he is so immature. He is too immature to be a good long term husband. That's why he gets mad so easily sometimes, he's immature." Literally outside of my anxiety his silliness is one of the things I love about him, and I know everyone gets angry from time to time and deals with it different ways. The fact that he can continuously support someone with anxiety emotionally, have moved 3 jobs, cleans and takes care of the house, and is calm in almost all situations, means he's mature in many ways. But when I have this anxiety, I can't see the good. My mind is trying to find something bad.
I read and also had a therapist tell me once, that when you have anxiety, even though it's almost always a physical response to something completely unrelated (like stress), your body wants to get rid of it as fast as possible, so it tries to tie it to people and things. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a feeling, there's no reason for me to feel this fight versus flight anxiety feeling. Even if he wasn't right for me, my body shouldn't feel the flight anxiety chemical so strongly. Some people think anxiety means something. I'm not sure I agree. From what I've read and been told over the last few years, the fight versus flight chemical or reaction is in you to save your life. So it's there if your life is in imminent danger (plane crash, a car is coming at you, etc.). There is no reason for you to feel that reaction because you are uncomfortable, or unsure, or sad. You should just feel uncomfortable, or unsure, or sad. Not anxious. I try to hold on to this, as hard as it is sometimes (I cried in my car for 1 hour yesterday morning before walking in to work). My anxiety and panic has NOTHING to do with a specific person or situation. It's my body's response to something I'm going through. For me, I think the trigger is extreme stress and feeling "stuck." Even though nothing is permanent, I get into this mindset that whatever is bothering me is "permanent" and I'll be "stuck" in it, which probably comes from something in my past. So when I make a life change, my "flight" response kicks in to get my "unstuck" and tries to find things or ways to get me out of the situation. In reality, I need to stick with the situation and work through it, if I'm ever going to get better.
Even though I know all of that, and I have my meditation, counting, breathing techniques, medication, I still suffer from anxiety. It's a shorter recovery period every time, but it still keeps happening. I know it won't ever truly go away, but my biggest thing is I need to remind myself that it is NOT my husband. I'm normally extremely HAPPY in my life. I've even gotten emotional over how much I love him. It's just anxiety, and it will pass.
So the problem is, every time I have panic attacks or anxiety now, it ends up being attributed to my husband. To the point where I was calling my parents this week telling them I think I should separate from him because I think I married the wrong person. My mind always goes crazy places, makes me question and over analyze EVERYTHING. I think about if I've actually been happy all along and I've just been making it through the relationship, did I marry the right person or why would I always feel anxiety towards him in stressful situations. I nitpick his habits - this morning he brought me breakfast off of his night shift because I've had so many stomach aches over this week, and I watched him playing with the dogs, and I thought "look at him playing, he is so immature. He is too immature to be a good long term husband. That's why he gets mad so easily sometimes, he's immature." Literally outside of my anxiety his silliness is one of the things I love about him, and I know everyone gets angry from time to time and deals with it different ways. The fact that he can continuously support someone with anxiety emotionally, have moved 3 jobs, cleans and takes care of the house, and is calm in almost all situations, means he's mature in many ways. But when I have this anxiety, I can't see the good. My mind is trying to find something bad.
I read and also had a therapist tell me once, that when you have anxiety, even though it's almost always a physical response to something completely unrelated (like stress), your body wants to get rid of it as fast as possible, so it tries to tie it to people and things. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a feeling, there's no reason for me to feel this fight versus flight anxiety feeling. Even if he wasn't right for me, my body shouldn't feel the flight anxiety chemical so strongly. Some people think anxiety means something. I'm not sure I agree. From what I've read and been told over the last few years, the fight versus flight chemical or reaction is in you to save your life. So it's there if your life is in imminent danger (plane crash, a car is coming at you, etc.). There is no reason for you to feel that reaction because you are uncomfortable, or unsure, or sad. You should just feel uncomfortable, or unsure, or sad. Not anxious. I try to hold on to this, as hard as it is sometimes (I cried in my car for 1 hour yesterday morning before walking in to work). My anxiety and panic has NOTHING to do with a specific person or situation. It's my body's response to something I'm going through. For me, I think the trigger is extreme stress and feeling "stuck." Even though nothing is permanent, I get into this mindset that whatever is bothering me is "permanent" and I'll be "stuck" in it, which probably comes from something in my past. So when I make a life change, my "flight" response kicks in to get my "unstuck" and tries to find things or ways to get me out of the situation. In reality, I need to stick with the situation and work through it, if I'm ever going to get better.
Even though I know all of that, and I have my meditation, counting, breathing techniques, medication, I still suffer from anxiety. It's a shorter recovery period every time, but it still keeps happening. I know it won't ever truly go away, but my biggest thing is I need to remind myself that it is NOT my husband. I'm normally extremely HAPPY in my life. I've even gotten emotional over how much I love him. It's just anxiety, and it will pass.
