An Introvert Guy in an Office Full of Extroverts

[Camden]

As I’ve been working my latest and greatest new job, I’ve gradually gotten to know my colleagues and how we all “mesh.”

Everyone is very social, vocal, and won’t hesitate to speak up or ask me for favors. I prefer to stay in my office with the door shut and email whenever possible. I keep my head down, avoid socializing, and focus only on my tasks and stuff I’ve been assigned. We all have 2 meetings per week, which I find rather daunting. The group meeting with my whole team is okay, but the one on one private meetings with the boss are really intimidating. I have to take a Lorazepam before each of those dreaded one on ones.

The last meeting was particularly bad. Heard about funds for services and supplies being way overspent due to factors outside my control. I did however feel somewhat personally responsible nevertheless. My boss went on to slander the person in my position before me and complain about his job performance. Maybe me being a guy has something to do with this. I can definitely tell my boss treats me differently than the other women in my team.
I was loaded with assignments and expected to take an administrative leadership role for a charity drive next month. I felt like I was trying to sip water from a fire hose and I was clearly being pushed out of my comfort zone.
Finally my boss asked me if I knew why my colleague “Maria” was taking a day off and if it had to do with her son (who has terrible anxiety problems, bless him). I just said I’m not sure and we moved on. I think a latent purpose of these meetings is to talk about my colleagues behind their backs. Makes me wonder what’s come up about me and how many times “Maria” and “Jennie” have had to stand up for me when my boss complains and says nasty things about me to them behind closed doors.
After the meeting, I promptly excused myself to the downstairs storage room to have a cry and take more lorazepam. I feel so vulnerable and so “on display” with my quiet and anxious temperament. I feel like doing my job as perfectly as possible just isn’t enough. My temperament and how I approach my environment feel scrutinized too. I’m afraid they reflects poorly on me. Makes me look weak, disrespectful, unengaged, etc. to my boss who’s gone on a recent power trip to get a lot of complicated situations addressed.

 

[Cuchculan]

If what you say in the last paragraph was true, I doubt you would still be in the position you are in right now. You would have been replaced long ago. The fact that you still hold the position you do hold, shows the boss is happy with your work. You know yourself how quickly he can replace people. But you are still there. That is a big plus.

Way some places work is the boss wants reports on all staff. He can't exactly ask the staff member he wants the report on how he / she is performing. No doubt he asks others. This is just his way of making sure things stay as good as they are in the work place.

But don't view it as a whole. View each thing one at a time. Focus on one thing first. Get that one thing done. Then focus on the second thing. It is only when we look at everything as a whole it can seem so much bigger. Like it might be impossible to do. But if we break it down into piece.s. Do one piece at a time, it does not seem as bad.