Afraid of relapse

[MonteMonte]

Good morning, everyone! (Or afternoon/night, speaking from Brazil here)

I've struggled with anxiety/depression for 10 years. First hard hit happened in 2009, during recovery from a surgery. Had the worst year of my life, terrible physical symptoms, couldn't understand what was happening, you guys know the drill...

With therapy and medication I eventually turned back to my usual self, until I relapsed in 2014, after a few big changes in life. It was a pretty bad year but not as terrible as 2009. Started therapy again and changed meds twice. I'm on 150 mg sertraline since. Eventually again, I felt normal again.

In 2017 I got a job that I love and I met amazing coworkers that turned to be amazing friends. Since then, pretty much everything's been pretty great.
But last Saturday, I felt like I was catching a cold. Had low fever, felt chills. Sunday I felt a bit letargic, sleepy, slow but no biggie.
Monday, despite being on work which keeps my mind occupied, I kept overanalysing how I was feeling, started thinking if it could be my anxiety then back a home, during dinner, still thinking about anxiety (it was all I thought about the entire Monday) I felt like... a small pang, don't really know how to describe it but it's a feeling I had when it was all going downhill and I was scared. Didn't sleep very well and on Tuesday I was pretty tense, pretty anxious, had to go to a friend's college presentation in another city... It was my worst day in like, a year and a half. Came home around midnight, had wake up at 6 to go to work, was exhausted but Wednesday was not so bad, there was that background feeling like depression is going to attack at any moment but I didnd't think about it all the time, until after work I went to the gym and started ruminating about it all again. Left the gym and went back home crying in my car thinking "oh my, it's all coming back, I'll never be free of it, scared that it will affect the job I love so much".

In short, I'm just very scared it's coming back. I know I've been through before. Is it right to assume that each time it comes back it will probably not be as bad 'cause at least I know what I'm dealing with it?

Sorry for the long text.

 

[Brad66]

It's just collected bad memories that are haunting you. I have the same issue now, Everytime I go through a period of increased stress or change I start to overanalyze it.

I went through my first major depression 7-8 years ago and it was by far the worst. It happened again to me after I made huge changes in my life a few years later after two straight years of moving and new jobs etc.

The problem is that now I am in good place but anytime things start to feel bad I start comparing and fearing. For instance my job is not really that stressful but anytime it gets to be I start making it worse than it is. I know I have dealt with way more stress when I was in college and during other jobs but now my confidence in handing stress is the problem.

I think the more people like you and I continue to overcome the anxiety and depression the more confident we will become. Eventually we will have enough good memories to put it behind us and give our self the confidence to see stress for what it is and stop turning it into a monster

 

[MonteMonte]

It's just collected bad memories that are haunting you. I have the same issue now, Everytime I go through a period of increased stress or change I start to overanalyze it.

I went through my first major depression 7-8 years ago and it was by far the worst. It happened again to me after I made huge changes in my life a few years later after two straight years of moving and new jobs etc.

The problem is that now I am in good place but anytime things start to feel bad I start comparing and fearing. For instance my job is not really that stressful but anytime it gets to be I start making it worse than it is. I know I have dealt with way more stress when I was in college and during other jobs but now my confidence in handing stress is the problem.

I think the more people like you and I continue to overcome the anxiety and depression the more confident we will become. Eventually we will have enough good memories to put it behind us and give our self the confidence to see stress for what it is and stop turning it into a monster

Yes, we end up being scared of being scared, it's almost ridiculous.
Thank you for your reply, it always helps to find people going through the same things.

 

[Kelculator]

I completely understand your fear. First off, congratulate on your success of claiming your life back from anxiety. Relapses happen, and I usually don't like to call them "relapses" unless it really is a giant, persistent peak from the usual anxiety level. It might let you feel better if tyou see them as "flares". I have days like this even when my level of anxiety is stable and my days are going quite well.
Sometimes anxiety just flares up for no reason. When I don't get enough sleep for days, I end up thinking everyone on the streets is out to get me, whoops. It can be caused by weather, changes in routine, and many more. My best advice is to persistently remind yourself that:
Just because you fear something, it doesn't mean what you feel would come true. Especially when you are anxious with no reason, it is just anxiety. Nothing in particular is wrong. When you can't convince yourself (which is very likely when your mind is active and bouncing around), just treat your mind patiently, like it is a scared little child away from their parents. Fear can be uncomfortable to deal with, but you don't have to give in to it.
Best of luck to you. Hope your day goes smoothly.

 

[MonteMonte]

I completely understand your fear. First off, congratulate on your success of claiming your life back from anxiety. Relapses happen, and I usually don't like to call them "relapses" unless it really is a giant, persistent peak from the usual anxiety level. It might let you feel better if tyou see them as "flares". I have days like this even when my level of anxiety is stable and my days are going quite well.
Sometimes anxiety just flares up for no reason. When I don't get enough sleep for days, I end up thinking everyone on the streets is out to get me, whoops. It can be caused by weather, changes in routine, and many more. My best advice is to persistently remind yourself that:
Just because you fear something, it doesn't mean what you feel would come true. Especially when you are anxious with no reason, it is just anxiety. Nothing in particular is wrong. When you can't convince yourself (which is very likely when your mind is active and bouncing around), just treat your mind patiently, like it is a scared little child away from their parents. Fear can be uncomfortable to deal with, but you don't have to give in to it.
Best of luck to you. Hope your day goes smoothly.

Thank you! I like the "flare" vs "relapse" distinction. Hope everything goes well to you too.

 

[Brad66]

I like Kelculator's advice about treating your mind like a scared child. It reminds me of a talk I once heard from a Buddhist monk, he explained how you need treat your own mind with compassion and kindness. A worry is just your mind trying to warning you. So you should thank your mind when it worries for trying to help. If you instead fight the worry the mind just keeps bringing it back to continue to warn you. I try to do this as best as I can.

 

[MonteMonte]

I like Kelculator's advice about treating your mind like a scared child. It reminds me of a talk I once heard from a Buddhist monk, he explained how you need treat your own mind with compassion and kindness. A worry is just your mind trying to warning you. So you should thank your mind when it worries for trying to help. If you instead fight the worry the mind just keeps bringing it back to continue to warn you. I try to do this as best as I can.

Yes, I'm trying not to fight it

 

[tkiss1]

The fact you went so long without much anxiety is amazing . That alone should ( I know it’s not easy ) re assse you that just Incase it came back , you can definately over come it just like you did previously .

As you stated it seems like it should get easier and easier as time goes by and we start understanding what these feelings are and they are merely just feelings.

Good luck and congratulations for overcoming it for so long!

 

[MonteMonte]

The fact you went so long without much anxiety is amazing . That alone should ( I know it’s not easy ) re assse you that just Incase it came back , you can definately over come it just like you did previously .

As you stated it seems like it should get easier and easier as time goes by and we start understanding what these feelings are and they are merely just feelings.

Good luck and congratulations for overcoming it for so long!

Thank you! It can be overwhelming but all your messages are helping me feel at least more optmistic.

 

[MonteMonte]

Hello everybody.
Felt some ups and downs this week.
Can somebody tell me it's possible that like... A relapse happens but then the episode lasts forever? Like, all medicines stop working, etc etc
Think I'm catastrophizing and I need some reassurence from you guys...

 

[tkiss1]

Hello everybody.
Felt some ups and downs this week.
Can somebody tell me it's possible that like... A relapse happens but then the episode lasts forever? Like, all medicines stop working, etc etc
Think I'm catastrophizing and I need some reassurence from you guys...

I think about that my self but I believe one way or another’s there will be something out there that will help . Wether it’s medicine , supplements , excercises , therapy , meditation etc so that always gets me back .