Advice on Talking to a Friend about Anxiety

[KiminPrivate]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and I joined because I wanted a safe place to ask for some advice. I have a friend who I have known for a long time but who knows very little about my social anxiety. every time I build up enough nerve to talk to her about it, I get the same response. It'll go something like this:

She'll propose hanging out in a group or tell me I should go out and do one thing or another, and I will gently decline. The most recent time this has happened is when our mutual friend invited both of us to her party. Even though I will be extremely uncomfortable in a crowded place where I will know exactly two people, I'm going. When I expressed discomfort (over text) to my friend saying that I wasn't looking forward to the other person's party she asked why. I said something like, "It is going to give me anxiety and I will be extremely uncomfortable because I won't know anyone there." As usual, her response was, "Same lol." I feel like she thinks she understands what I go through on a day-to-day basis, but the truth is, she doesn't.

I for one don't find my anxiety cute or fun. But the thing that really bothers me is the fact that she says these things to me and acts very casual about it, but knows nothing about how I actually feel and never makes an effort to ask me about it. I would hate to assume another person's feelings, but I can safely say that my friend doesn't experience social anxiety. She easily meets new people and talks to strangers, is constantly making plans with large groups, and seems genuinely comfortable talking to anyone.

It upsets me so much that she seems to invalidate my feelings and actual anxiety every time I bring it up. I just want to find a calm, non-accusing, inoffensive way to tell her that I would appreciate if she didn't commonize anxiety and essentially make my feelings meaningless. I would really appreciate your advice.

Thank you in advance,
Kim

 

[janemariesayed]

Thanks for sharing with us how you feel.

Your friend is a good friend to you but she cannot understand how you feel if you don't tell her. Take a quiet moment with her. Sit down with her and tell her quietly how you feel.

At the same time, she is good for you. She probably does feel a little anxious to meet people she doesn't know but being an extrovert she overcomes it. You can't expect her to completely understand how you feel unless you tell her.

Don't tell her while you are walking around the shops or by text. Sit down and tell her quietly. A conversation all in itself face to face with no interruptions.

Let us know how you get on. Do try and go to this party, you may well enjoy yourself and meet new friends.

 

[Sophie]

It's really hard for outsiders looking in to understand what you are going through. If you don't feel comfortable with telling them upfront, you could always shoot them a text message or write a note. As for the party, I always try to rationalize with myself. Not attending the party would make me feel more disappointed than staying home. Be strong

 

[Claraviolet]

Believe me no one actually understands people with OCD or anxiety completely unless they go through the same. That's what I believe. For them, it's easy to overcome and they believe that we are not trying enough or simply acting like that. They always seem casual about it.

I am truly sad that I don't have much advice to give but just don't get hurt. Even my parents don't get me totally. It hurts badly but I learned to accept that, they might understand me someday. I don't want to end up hating myself, with others words. That's why, do not take everything to heart. Try to explain to them, how exactly you feel, then it's better to leave the matter like that.

In their view, we don't have any anxiety and to some extent, it's not entirely bad. They can interact with us normally and they don't treat us any different.

 

[axelxiii]

Wow, this really hit my heart. I know exactly what you are saying, and have experienced this many times myself. It's a difficult thing to talk about, especially if the other person "relates", but actually doesn't.

My advice is to hang out with your friend. Have some fun: watch a movie, go to the mall, etc. Later, when you feel it's the right time, take a breath and present the topic. Explain what it is like for you to deal with this. If your friend is a true friend, they will listen and understand, and try to be more sensitive to your situation in the future. Maybe they will truly relate, maybe not. What's important is that they are aware of it.

Social anxiety can be brutal, but it's easier with support and understanding. Best wishes.