Absolutely helpless/ Feels like I’m getting schizophrenia/ possibly OCD?

[danielerich]

Hi guys, I’m new to this forum stuff and I’m hoping I can relate with someone on this (I’ll also try to keep it short and sweet, might be super super long so please bare with me . I’ve been going through the hardest period of my life ever. I’m 19 years old and currently a sophomore in community college. So back in summer of 2018, I had my first ever major panic attack while high on weed. It was the most terrifying thing ever; it felt like I was having a heart attack. From then on, it was basically a mental domino effect. I would say that afterwards, i noticed that I was always anxious about something. What exactly? I have no idea. My body and my mind felt like it was always on edge and I couldn’t get rid of it. It was honestly annoying. This went on for a while and then I went through a tiny phase of minor depression. I just felt down, but not utterly sad. So at this point, I’m starting to notice what else is going on with mentally. Probably the worse decision I ever did throughout this was then google my symptoms, my god that was dumb. But I was new to all this and had no idea what was going on, I just needed answers. So I come to the conclusion that I was possibly going through psychosis of some sort and this freaked me out more than anything. I couldn’t fathom the thought of becoming mentally sick and never be able to form relationship, have fun, etc. What ultimately ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED me that i was becoming schizophrenic/getting psychosis was that I went through a bad case of depersonalization. I’d say this happened 1 month after my panic attack. Not only was I depressed about this, my life felt like it just was just in constant dream state. The best way to describe my case of DP is that everything became super unfamiliar and there was like a dreamy filter through my perspective; it was utterly terrifying. Apparently DP is actually super common amongst anxiety sufferers, so that kind of made me feel better. Yet, I had myself convinced that I was in the middle of getting schizophrenia and that there was no hope for me whatsoever. This obsession turned into being afraid of absolutely anything. Once I googled symptoms of schizophrenia, it was basically game over for me: I constantly checked to hear voices, I made sure to check my surroundings, and I made sure to not believe in typical schizophrenia delusions. What absolutely scared me was that the common delusions that I looked up started to grow on me and made me feel like I wanted to believe them. Stuff like government watching me, cameras in my room, or people trying to hurt me, etc This was an entirely different battle on it’s own and it made me feel absolutely insane. I cried every single night because I thought I was done for. Honestly, I still do at times. As of right now, Im in the battle of these same thoughts and it feels like my false delusions are becoming true in my head and I’m utterly broken and defeated. I can function fine at work and school and can socialize good, but these thoughts break me and drill in my head every time I try to get rid of them or try to desensitize them. I feel like I will never become not scared of these thoughts and they will manifest into total schizophrenia. Every time I think about my future of hanging out with friends, getting a degree, or just relaxing, these schizophrenic thoughts just wash them away like a tidal wave. I feel like my brain is on “lock mode” and it can’t break free of anything and I’m at wits end. I’m scared to take medication but I’m assuming it’s my best bet along with exercise and a good diet. If anyone can relate or help, please let me know. I want to get through this so badly but I’m at the point where I think I’m believing my delusions. Please help!

 

[Brad66]

I would suggest you go and see a professional to get a proper diagnosis. However I will say this as a bit of encouragement, during my first two nerverous breakdowns I was convinced I was losing my mind. Much the same as you. Anxiety plays a lot of tricks and depersonalization really does make you feel like you are losing touch with reality.

One other thing that is encouraging in what you are saying it that you recognize the delusional thinking for what it is. I don't believe people with schizophrenia can do that. There is a saying by a prominent doctor in the mental health field named Dr. Friday that goes something like this: "Everyone has crazy thoughts the the issue is whether or not you can distinguish between them and reality". Basically crazy people think their crazy thoughts are sane, normal people think their crazy thoughts are crazy.

My aunt has paranoid delusions and is completely convinced the government implanted something in her head. She 100% believes it and there is nothing you can say to her to convince her otherwise... Whereas I may occasionally have the feeling or thought the government is spying on me but it's just a thought not a belief.

If, after you see a professional and they tell you it just an issue with your nerves (anxiety), I would suggest reading Hope and Help For Your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes. It will give you a great understanding of your symptoms and why they are occuring. The effects of stress and anxiety on your brain can absolutely take your thinking to strange and scary places and this book with give you a little more peace during your recovery.

Keep us updated.

 

[seabelt12]

Hey danielerich...and welcome to the forum!

I am new to anxiety as well, but I will tell you that I have somewhat experienced what you are going through. I have also experienced DP... it is one of the scariest/strangest sensations, and to try to explain it to someone who hasn’t experienced it feels almost impossible.

Like the comment stated above me, I believe that if you were actually “going crazy” you wouldn’t be able to rationalize what’s “crazy” from “not crazy”.. Does that make sense??

Since you’re consciously aware of reality vs non-reality, I fully believe it is just anxiety playing it’s tricks on you too.

I understand that it is self-defeating bc I am going through it as well. Hang in there though and go see a dr to help you! Don’t be embarrassed either bc their is a whole slew of us going through the same things!

Blessings and keep us updated!!


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[ManaClash]

I've suffered with multiple anxiety disorders and the **** plays tricks with your head I've had all sorts of crazy thoughts. It's mostly likely the illnesses I use to think I was possessed and something was taking over my body. I hate to use the term crazy but crazy people don't worry about going crazy.

 

[ManaClash]

Also take this from an Anxiety sufferer don't Google symptoms , your brain will think you have everything.

 

[avocado]

My guy, I'm chuckling, not because I don't feel for you, but because I went through basically the same exact thing last fall, during the beginning of my senior year at college. Almost to the T. I googled symptoms after having a nervous breakdown from just years of ignoring my anxiety/not sleeping for 40 hours during a layover flight. I had probably the most intense anxiety of my life for a good two weeks, and became so exhausted my body shut down and I slept for a really long time and that's when I started to recover. Now its just on and off depression and lack of motivation, but its been slowly getting better. Emphasis on slowly. During the past year I've gone through periods of mild depersonalization, existential anxiety, etc. I listened to an audio book by Dr. Claire Weeks which really helped. Here's a link to the first part on youtube, I highly recommend:

I remember during that time I read somewhere that people who had schizophrenia would sometimes think that electronic devices would start talking to them. Every time I walked past a TV I would get a spike of anxiety because in my head I would immediately start thinking, "what if I start thinking this TV is talking to me, then I would definitely be going crazy for sure." This happened again when I learned that one guy thought he would hear the phone ringing. I would have to double check to make sure the phone was actual ringing whenever I heard one. I can think of a bunch of other stuff that's kind of like what you were talking about in your post.

For me personally, I really had no idea why I had such intense anxiety attacks when I first got back to school. That is what really bothered me. I didn't think I was the type to go through that. So logically, I jumped to the conclusion that something must be seriously wrong with me- hence the fear of schizophrenia. Before the anxiety attacks, I had a great summer and great semester. Everything in my life was on point- or so I thought. What I hadn't realized was that deep down I was actually really lonely after having a major fallout with many of my friends, and had a whole host of baggage. I never really dealt with the fallout and instead went on a journey of personal growth/productivity as a way to escape from my true feelings. So perhaps there are things in your life that you are unhappy about and need to accept/overcome. Who knows, like what many other people on this thread suggested, you might want to find someone to talk to.

Also, tonight I started getting anxiety about developing schizophrenia again, and your post kind of helped because it reminded me that a lot of people with anxiety have the same fears