When it hit me

I transferred to a different school a while back and at my old school everything was happy and carefree I had lots of friends and I often had someone to talk to. When I transferred I had a lot of questions about the school and I couldn’t wait to get there. When school eventually did start I felt nervous but excited. I was ready to make new friends and grow as a student. Over time I noticed that almost everyone was completely different from me. They often didn’t talk or were very physical, and it started to affect me. I started to feel left out or that everyone thought I was weird. And that’s when it hit me; like an arrow to a deer on hunting grounds. I bet almost everyone has this epiphany moment where they realize that not everything is rainbows and butterflies. I sure did and it hit me hard. I started to feel uncomfortable in crowds and felt myself getting fatter everyday. Anytime I was in public I felt like people were judging me if they just glanced to the side and happened to see me. My parents weren’t much help with the situation either. I told my mom how I felt but she pushed it aside and told me “everyone goes through it your fine”. I’m afraid to tell my closest friends about my anxiety and only one person knows how I actually feel and that’s my gf. She goes through the same things but the only difference is that she has a therapist and I don’t. It’s easy for me to bottle up my feelings and just say “I’m fine” to anyone who worries but people say to let it out because that’s how people kill themselves. I really need some professional help but I don’t know how to get it.

The thing is that my parents are very controlling and they don’t really want to push aside time for other things, cough cough a therapist cough cough. Looking for a solution to my problem is like riding a one legged horse. Sure there is a solution, but the solution is extremely hard to find and either that or you put the dang horse down.