Pain and anxiety...

Rosy said:

He snuck a kiss on the cheek this morning. lol lol He says he feels better but I hear him coughing. lol That is good the AA Meetings get you out and about. That is nice you go early to get the coffee going. I feel the same about the pill thing. Stay with one company but no they probably go with a cheaper brand when they can. My son is a manager of one of the drug stores out here. It's one of the big ones that is everywhere. It is a miserable day here. Cloudy and rainy here. Hope you are having better weather. Have a good night.

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HAHAHA this sounds like me and my husband!!! He hasn't let me come near him since the surgery since he and my son have been all congested and have coughs. So far no flu at our house - I'm SO sorry you got that. It's just rough this year, isn't it? Did you have to get the new meds because of the flu? Please take care of yourself! We need you here!

Rosy said:

Thank you for worrying about me. lol I'm over my cold and stomach thing. He isn't, yet. lol Those meds were my anti depressant. I hate when they change the company on you. I know it's crazy, They are mostly the same but It's just one of those things that I obsess over. lol I take a 10 mg. and a 25 mg. of the same med and the pills are different from each other in color. One of my pet peeves. lol How is your knee? Did the pain let up any? Hope so and I hope you have a good night.

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Oh, SO sorry. Stomach flu is the absolute WORST. As in, nothing more miserable in the world - I've been really lucky this year and managed to avoid most of the stuff going around. Praying it stays that way...Thanks for asking about me, too. Leg is still in pain, and I'm very discouraged today because it WILL not bend. I am elevating and icing and trying to work lying down. i just have to keep going and trust it will eventually get better, but today was discouraging at PT.

So @Rosy , @triceps and I have both noticed that we can't send private messages to you. The site says we don't have permission to. You should be able to change that setting in your profile:

1) Click on the profile button at the top right (yours would be an 'R')...

2) Go to "Privacy" on the left. You'll see some options on that screen that let you choose how others can interact with you. I think you must have this settings below set to "Nobody"? If so, you can set it to "Members Only" and that would allow you to talk with folks. It's your choice, of course!

Rosy said:

Thank you so much. Tell H&H I said thank you too. So far so good.

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Oh no!!! I didn't want to make you cry!!! You are NOT DUMB - I had no idea this setting was even there, and it took me FOREVER to find it!!! We couldn't figure out why your account was different from ours. And I work with computer software for a living hahahaha. I think they must have changed yours... You got it changed perfectly, and now we can send encouragement directly to you.

Sounds like you had a rough day yesterday - you hanging in there today?

Okay, tonight I just need to be discouraged and rant about it. This knee will NOT bend. This week, I lost mobility instead of gaining it - the PT is saying it is most likely due to inflammation inside, and to focus on getting that inflammation down. But I have read the blogs and the protocols, and I know that I should be way past this point by now. Today, I spent most of the day with my leg elevated and managed to get the swelling down. Then I did my exercises, and just forced it as hard as I could - it feels like tendons are going to snap, it stretches so hard. It's excruciatingly painful to do, and it still only made it BACK to where I was a week ago. And then immediately swelled up huge, where it won't bend anymore. So I'm back on my back with ice packs...I just don't know if I can handle the prospect of more surgery, but I'm starting to suspect there is some bad tissue buildup that is not going to come loose any other way. I just cry every time I think about it.

In the meantime, my five-year-old decided today was the day to have a complete meltdown. He fought with us all day long, and literally screamed at us for hours. Defiant, angry, frustrated, sad, bouncing off walls. It was about the worst it's ever been. He got in trouble for being defiant with a teacher on Friday, which he has NEVER done before - we're having trouble getting set up with the right resources to get help, and I haven't been 100% of course...It's just all a mess.

BLECH. I am not going to look back fondly on the winter of 2019, I don't think. I've been navigating all of this as best I can, but I'm just not sure how much more stress i can handle before the breaking point comes. And when it does, it's gonna hit hard...

Rosy said:

Oh boy, Did they say at PT anything about alternating warm soaks and ice? I had to do that to my knee. I used to do warm soaks and then ice. I can't remember how long each took. I think it was 20 min. warm soak and in a couple of hrs later ice for 20 min. Don't try anything till you talk to them. Another thing I remember is I would do the bending till it brought tears to my eyes then quit. That's how I measured
how far I could go without hurting anything. I don't know if this is any help but that helped me. As I said before though, ask at PT before you do it on your own. I sure hope you don't have to have surgery again. I am sure your son will calm down once things get better for you. He can't understand Mommy isn't at her best. Once your on the mend and can put all your concentration on him things will improve. Keeping you in my prayers. Hope you have a good night.

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Thanks, Rosy - No, they didn't say anything about warm soaks, but I might try that. I'll ask her on Monday. I did an epsom salt soak last week, and it didn't seem to help, but I wonder if a heating pad might loosen up the tissue a bit. And yep - I just bend until I cry. I cried plenty today. Got to maybe 95 degrees? On Friday it was stuck at 85 at PT, so that's progress, I guess. I'm at least back where I started. It's been almost a month since surgery (yes, really), and I'm just ready for this to be over. Tonight the anxiety is really high - I've only had a couple of full panic attacks through this, which is GREAT, and I'd just like to keep it that way. lol

Thank you for the encouragement. I've been trying to catch up on work all day, and made some good progress, but I'm just ready to crash. And cry. I think I'll do both.

My progress continued to regress over the weekend - was stuck at 75 degrees of motion this morning. There is stubborn internal scar tissue - she strapped me face down to a table and forced it until I cried today. There was eventually a SNAP and a small release of pressure - it is so painful, and I'm really discouraged. I will have to continue this process until it all breaks up. The alternative will be more surgery. I will survive this, but I feel like I'm reaching my limit of exhaustion and pain. I have spent the past year learning NOT to dissociate mentally under stress, but it's pretty hard not to in that situation. I just leave my body completely and have little 'blackout' times. I don't want to undo months of anxiety/PTSD work here either...