Does anyone else feel bummed and selfish at times when others have to cater to the limitations that our anxiety places on us? My wife and I haven't been able to go on vacation together in many, many years. I just couldn't handle a trip like that. I encourage her to go to any activities with friends or by herself but at times it just really bothers me to not be able to participate with her. Right now her mother is terminally ill and lives 3 hours away in Minneapolis. It is always an overnight trip and heaven forbid, I wouldn't be able to go through my morning routine which I've become pretty OCD about. I haven't been able to make that trip to visit her Mom and I'm sure she's already aware that I won't be joining her for the funeral. At times I just realize that although not my fault, "it's all about me" and everybody else has to cater to my anxiety disability. I wish I could push myself more but just writing about it effects me physically.
Anxiety Selfishness
- Thread starter triceps
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Triceps, I never thought about anxiety as being selfish, but it rather is, isn't it? My husband has travelled a few times to Europe, out west, etc. etc., and I just stay home by choice. I dread the thought of sleeping elsewhere, and I truly feel safer in my own home.
I am sorry about your limitations, but would you be so hard on yourself if physical issues kept you from travelling? Those who are enlightened know that there's no difference. Will your wife be terribly upset if you did not attend the funeral? By the way, although not pleasant, I have made even longer trips in only one day. However, I am sure your wife would need to stay longer.
Are you able to have a job? I hope you don't think I am being too intrusive. Are you on medication? It really has made a difference for me. Having said that, I leave my house only when I have to.
Best wishes,
Peggy
I am sorry about your limitations, but would you be so hard on yourself if physical issues kept you from travelling? Those who are enlightened know that there's no difference. Will your wife be terribly upset if you did not attend the funeral? By the way, although not pleasant, I have made even longer trips in only one day. However, I am sure your wife would need to stay longer.
Are you able to have a job? I hope you don't think I am being too intrusive. Are you on medication? It really has made a difference for me. Having said that, I leave my house only when I have to.
Best wishes,
Peggy
Triceps, I looked at some of your posts, and discovered that yes, you are on medication and that you are on disability. I take Klonopin occasionaly, and it does seem to help. I only get 20 pills three times a year so I have to be judicious when taking them. Anxiety is horrible!
Thanks for your reply PeggyJoan. Most of my in-law relatives live in Mpls so a trip there always includes at least one overnight at one of their houses. Just not workable for me. I did make it to my daughters wedding but got a ride back home that same night. On the way down I had a fleeting thought about "at least there will be an open bar" until realizing that I'm paying for it. I have such an understanding wife who already knows I won't make it to her Mom's funeral as I couldn't go to her Dad's funeral either.
You are so welome! I love that your wife is understanding. I have learned at the old age of 70 that I don't care what others think except for my immediate family.
I suppose those little anxious feelings pop up whenever we don't do what we think we *should* be doing. Accepting yourself just as you are is the best medicine but oh so difficult.
Do you have any hobbies? I find distraction is great for me. I have stomach issues as a result of my anxiety, but when I get involved in something like reading a book I feel so much better. I also love certain series on Netflix that 'take me away'.
Be kind to yourself and best wishes,
Peggy
I suppose those little anxious feelings pop up whenever we don't do what we think we *should* be doing. Accepting yourself just as you are is the best medicine but oh so difficult.
Do you have any hobbies? I find distraction is great for me. I have stomach issues as a result of my anxiety, but when I get involved in something like reading a book I feel so much better. I also love certain series on Netflix that 'take me away'.
Be kind to yourself and best wishes,
Peggy
I'm 65 years old and learned a long time ago (having had anxiety since age 13) that I just can't worry about whether others accept me for who I am. My daughter and son-in-law came up for the weekend and I started this thread after realizing how much of their weekend plans had to cater to my condition. I am so very lucky to have a number of friends and family that expect and don't resent when I can't make it to most social functions. You and I are probably the few baby boomers on this forum with tons of anxiety experience. The acceptance of ourselves, knowing we're doing the best we can with our condition, is the best message we can promote to others here.
I agree with distraction being the best medicine and I hate seeing the baseball season ending as I'm in a number of fantasy baseball leagues which provide a great distraction for me all summer long. I repair computers for free for my rural neighbors and that keeps me occupied positively.
I agree with distraction being the best medicine and I hate seeing the baseball season ending as I'm in a number of fantasy baseball leagues which provide a great distraction for me all summer long. I repair computers for free for my rural neighbors and that keeps me occupied positively.
Yes, I remember having anxiety when I was very young. You are spot on that we have loads of anxiety experience! I love that your wife, family and friends *get it* , and work with you regarding family functions, etc. They love you and you would do no less for them.
I am working on finding a distraction also. I walk daily and that helps. I love love to get lost in a good book. Here's wishing you find something that distracts and is fun for you. That's really cool you help your neighbors for free!
I am working on finding a distraction also. I walk daily and that helps. I love love to get lost in a good book. Here's wishing you find something that distracts and is fun for you. That's really cool you help your neighbors for free!
I’m not too far behind you both...so you’re not the only boomers on this site. I too have had anxiety issues for as long as I can remember. My first panic/anxiety attack - seriously, I don’t know the difference...they’re both frightening, was when I was 15. I get what you’re saying Triceps about feeling selfish. I feel this way a lot, because certain things have to be my way or anxiety takes over...I’ve been working hard on trying to let things go, but as I’m sure anyone on this site would agree, it ain’t easy. Peggy Joan, you said you like to get lost in a good book. I’m reading Turtles All The Way Down, by John Greene. I believe it’s a story for young adults, but it’s actually quite good. The author has anxiety issues, as well and it comes out in the main character of the story. Just thought I’d pass the recommendation along.
Jones, I hear you about how some things having to be our way. I struggle with that as well. I think it's my way of feeling safe and preventing bad things from happening if I am in control. :/
Thanks for the book recommendation! I will check it out. In fact, I just hear an author on NPR saying young adult fiction is highly underated, and readers are missing out on some great books by dismissing them.
I work on 'letting go' a lot - it sounds so freeing and comforting. Having said that, it's difficult to do.
Best wishes, and welcome!
Peggy
Thanks for the book recommendation! I will check it out. In fact, I just hear an author on NPR saying young adult fiction is highly underated, and readers are missing out on some great books by dismissing them.
I work on 'letting go' a lot - it sounds so freeing and comforting. Having said that, it's difficult to do.
Best wishes, and welcome!
Peggy
Hurt&Hopeful
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@triceps I have thought about this a LOT over the years, actually. I was actually told from a young age that anxiety is inherently selfish, and I spent so much time feeling overwhelmed with guilt. It's taken me a long time to get past that, and I still struggle...
Here's my take on it, for what it's worth: whatever we go through is not selfish. Anxiety itself isn't selfish any more than cancer is selfish. It just is. What we choose to do with it is another story...I KNOW that I am capable of ruining my own life and keeping my family from living, and that I can pass on trauma to my kid. I have to wake up every day and try to make the best choices I can for my own health, and the health of my family. Sometimes that means I'm limited and sometimes (like today) it means pushing limits a bit. But as long as we are trying to get better and live others, it's the best we have to offer.
And we keep moving forward...
Here's my take on it, for what it's worth: whatever we go through is not selfish. Anxiety itself isn't selfish any more than cancer is selfish. It just is. What we choose to do with it is another story...I KNOW that I am capable of ruining my own life and keeping my family from living, and that I can pass on trauma to my kid. I have to wake up every day and try to make the best choices I can for my own health, and the health of my family. Sometimes that means I'm limited and sometimes (like today) it means pushing limits a bit. But as long as we are trying to get better and live others, it's the best we have to offer.
And we keep moving forward...A, I love what you wrote. I have been struggling this past month and my aniety is manifesting big time in my belly. I am glad I came back here - I already feel better! Yep, one day at a time of doing the best we can!@triceps I have thought about this a LOT over the years, actually. I was actually told from a young age that anxiety is inherently selfish, and I spent so much time feeling overwhelmed with guilt. It's taken me a long time to get past that, and I still struggle...
Here's my take on it, for what it's worth: whatever we go through is not selfish. Anxiety itself isn't selfish any more than cancer is selfish. It just is. What we choose to do with it is another story...I KNOW that I am capable of ruining my own life and keeping my family from living, and that I can pass on trauma to my kid. I have to wake up every day and try to make the best choices I can for my own health, and the health of my family. Sometimes that means I'm limited and sometimes (like today) it means pushing limits a bit. But as long as we are trying to get better and live others, it's the best we have to offer.
I hope things are better for you today!
Hurt&Hopeful
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Hey there Peggy! So sorry it's getting you right now - I'm doing pretty well at the moment. Had some short panic attacks, but none of them knocked me on my butt this week. I came out victorious - woo hoo ! Lol The stomach symptoms are the WORST, though, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Have you tried any dietary changes? Anything been helpful?
scharley1973
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catering to limitations...isnt that the story of our lives
sad. i couldnt of worded it better. its not all about you, its ALL about the disability. like any physical disease, this is real and crippling. know one will ever know or understand until they go thru it. i can only imagine how hurtful and stressful it must be thinking about your wives mother being ill and the thought of you thinking that you couldnt be there for her. listen to me...YOU WILL FIND THAT PUSH TO GO AND BE THERE FOR YOUR WIFE. she has been there for you, im assuming, thru all this anxiety/panic crap. youll find the strength if god forbid anything happens to her mom. saying prayers....SHi Scharley. Thanks for the encouraging words. Unfortunately it just isn't realistic for me to be able to handle the emotions of a funeral or the logistics of spending a few days away from home. As a consolation prize, sometimes I'm able to take my wife out for a good meal which I was able to do this morning. I suggested it last night which is usually when my anxieties are at their lowest and woke up this morning thinking NFW will I be able to go out for a nice Sunday Buffet. My wife was great about my cancelling but a couple hours later I was able to go and it went very well. So chalk up one in the sanity win column and we'll see if I can build on that. Unfortunately, repetition hasn't meant less anxiety for the next time, that would be too rational for this disease.catering to limitations...isnt that the story of our lives
scharley1973
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triceps...i am so very very sorry about i what i said about pushing yourself or finding the strength
i guess the reality is that some people have this dreaded disorder and it completely dibilitates them from going places, doing things, ect. that alot of us take for granted. even us that have anxiety and panic, everyones severity level is different and i apologize if i made you feel bad about not being able to do certain things...that wasnt my intent. it sounds like you have a very understanding, supportive and loving wife, you are very lucky! and i wish you nothing but good things and calmer, more peaceful days ahead.scharley1973
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thank you...im glad you found them encouraging, thats how i was wanting to come across but after i read your reply i kinda felt really bad because alot of us do have anxiety and panic but the degree in severity is really different and its limits on us, more so in other people than ourselves sometimes. it was a good reminder to me and for that, i thank you
Scharley, everything is relative. People saddled with anxiety and depression probably feel, at heightened times of the symptoms, that the feeling is terrible. Terrible to one person is the same as terrible is to someone else. The main differences are how well we individually can deal with the symptoms. Early onset sufferers don't have the prior experiences and think they're going crazy. Longer-term sufferers at least know what they have and learn coping skills to hopefully keep those heightened times shorter. How debilitating these diseases make us has more to do with how well the person is able to cope with the heightened anxiety along with a bunch of other variables. I'm basically trying to say that we are all the same, just have been unlucky enough to have brains containing anxiety disorders.