Natasha0717
Active Member
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2016
- Messages
- 156
- Reaction score
- 45
Hi all,
Today I cleaned my entire room and then just the counter-top/sink of the bathroom next to my room. I just got into that wild OCD-cleaning mood and somehow managed to clean my entire room (including washing the whole floor) in a matter of 20 minutes. Then I moved onto the bathroom, and got so exhausted I decided to only do the part around the sink (and the sink) so at least the top part would look super-shiny. When all was said and done, I took a break, and then went into the bathroom again and noticed a small speck next to the sink. I figured I didn't see it the first time around, so I just put my finger over it so it would stick to my finger and I could just throw it away, whatever it was. The light wasn't on in the bathroom at the time, but something told me to put the light on just to see what I could have possibly missed. I felt so bad to see that it was a little fruit fly and I smashed it with my finger. I thought it was only a crumb or something, but nope, it had to be an innocent little fruit fly instead. I hate killing any of God's creatures, no matter how small. I felt so terrible, and I even looked up how long they lived, hoping it would only be 24 hours or something so the guilt of accidentally killing it wouldn't consume me. I found out they live for 30 days, and it made me feel bad enough that I had to tell my Mom about it. All she said was, "I hate it when you talk like that and get so wrapped up in nonsense."
But that's just me. I feel guilty about small things like that, or sometimes I'll even dig up old stuff from my past still in my memory that I did when I was younger and start feeling guilty about it all now, even 10-20 years later. I have such a problem with guilt. My mind almost seems to enjoy it. Otherwise, why would it always be searching for me to feel guilty about things? Guilt makes me sick, I get all sweaty and I start squirming in my skin until I try to tell somebody about it. Sometimes I only tell part of it, and then they already say to just forget about it, and then I do. But I can never do that all by myself. I always need somebody to tell me it's okay and I can forget about it - like I need to admit it to them. Do you ever do this? Does guilt follow you around or does your mind constantly get fixated on something to feel guilty about? Past or present?
Today I cleaned my entire room and then just the counter-top/sink of the bathroom next to my room. I just got into that wild OCD-cleaning mood and somehow managed to clean my entire room (including washing the whole floor) in a matter of 20 minutes. Then I moved onto the bathroom, and got so exhausted I decided to only do the part around the sink (and the sink) so at least the top part would look super-shiny. When all was said and done, I took a break, and then went into the bathroom again and noticed a small speck next to the sink. I figured I didn't see it the first time around, so I just put my finger over it so it would stick to my finger and I could just throw it away, whatever it was. The light wasn't on in the bathroom at the time, but something told me to put the light on just to see what I could have possibly missed. I felt so bad to see that it was a little fruit fly and I smashed it with my finger. I thought it was only a crumb or something, but nope, it had to be an innocent little fruit fly instead. I hate killing any of God's creatures, no matter how small. I felt so terrible, and I even looked up how long they lived, hoping it would only be 24 hours or something so the guilt of accidentally killing it wouldn't consume me. I found out they live for 30 days, and it made me feel bad enough that I had to tell my Mom about it. All she said was, "I hate it when you talk like that and get so wrapped up in nonsense."
But that's just me. I feel guilty about small things like that, or sometimes I'll even dig up old stuff from my past still in my memory that I did when I was younger and start feeling guilty about it all now, even 10-20 years later. I have such a problem with guilt. My mind almost seems to enjoy it. Otherwise, why would it always be searching for me to feel guilty about things? Guilt makes me sick, I get all sweaty and I start squirming in my skin until I try to tell somebody about it. Sometimes I only tell part of it, and then they already say to just forget about it, and then I do. But I can never do that all by myself. I always need somebody to tell me it's okay and I can forget about it - like I need to admit it to them. Do you ever do this? Does guilt follow you around or does your mind constantly get fixated on something to feel guilty about? Past or present?
