Selfish

Me when I was afraid everything I ate was poisoned so I told my mom to eat it first. I never realized it but yea I was selfish.

I think selfish is too harsh. We are very self absorbed, but it is the anxiety that is causing it. I’m definitely in the process of recognizing many character flaws that I have beaten myself up over in the past are a direct result of anxiety. I would like to challenge you to think about this more before you, or anyone else, judges yourself as being selfish. I don’t think you are seeing the bigger picture, but zeroing in on yourself. Sure hope Jonathan chimes in on this.

Mental illness can sometimes lead to behaviors we don't like in ourselves. Believe me, I have BEEN THERE so many times. It can be hard to break the patterns, but recognizing it is the first step to changing it. So you're already on the way.

MATD said:

I think selfish is too harsh. We are very self absorbed, but it is the anxiety that is causing it. I’m definitely in the process of recognizing many character flaws that I have beaten myself up over in the past are a direct result of anxiety. I would like to challenge you to think about this more before you, or anyone else, judges yourself as being selfish. I don’t think you are seeing the bigger picture, but zeroing in on yourself. Sure hope Jonathan chimes in on this.

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We can judge ourselves constantly when in anxiety. When the man said, 'judge not lest ye be judged' he was not just referring to fellow humans. He also meant judging yourself. Lets face it. We are in an anxiety state and introspection is one of the symptoms. MATD is so right, It is not selfishness. That is a conscious act. To say we can't help it is not far from the truth. Introspection is not selfishness but the result of time, often a lot of time, of self centredness and turning in on ourselves. After all, who wouldn't given the pain of anxiety. Another emotion comes in here and that is guilt. Because we feel we are being selfish we feel guilty about not paying enough attention to our loved ones. It still comes down to acceptance. By judging yourself in a negative way only adds to the anxiety. Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It can cause us to overreact when it's so unnecessary. If you have an understanding partner or someone close who gets what anxiety is like you are very fortunate. Otherwise it can be a very lonely business! Being on here with those who understand is a blessing. If you have never been in the pain of anxiety you can never know. MATD uses the words 'self absorbed' and that just about sums it up. Like me, he is an advocate of acceptance. So many find this difficult and expect overnight miracles. It doesn't work that way and a lot of patience is needed, but the results are inevitable, given the will. Will power can be another casualty of anxiety. We sometimes feel we lack the will to go on. Anxiety can be a very tiring illness. But the will is always there but may be hidden by the lethargy that often comes with anxiety. Look ahead! See HOPE written large on your horizon, because it is always there along with the will to recover.

Embrace your selfish side, and start treating yourself better
Honestly, never feel bad for being selfish as long as it's not hurting others. No one can be there for you 24/7, but you can at least be good to yourself.

I really hope we can all appreciate what Jonathan has said. It has only been since I started into recovery that I finally saw the truth in my own words. Anxiety blinds us to so many truths. It also corrupts our perspective which is what causes us to believe what it says. Anxiety infects the whole person, right down to our very soul and physical being. It is a liar and thief. It robs us of the ability to live freely and convinces us of things that are not true. Recovery is entirely possible if we but only stop fighting and running from it and instead accept it, turn into the face of it and call it out for what it really is, only anxiety, a thief and liar. It’s a process, it takes time. You have nothing to lose and your life to gain. It’s Only Anxiety by Carl James/Hope and Help For Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. It works.

You are your own best friend

I still don't really get it though. When we know we are making something small or nonexistent into something huge, why can't we see that? Like I will dwell on something and overthink it nonstop almost like I choose to be miserable and feel sorry for myself! It's so weird and almost like a habit. Sometimes I wonder if I really just want to be unhappy for some reason, otherwise why would I continue to think and over focus on things that are so stupid while other people are enjoying their lives? I remember my mom being super anxious and constantly complaining and I know she had anxiety disorder, but it was annoying to me at the time and now I'm the same way! I'm sick of the whole thing.

suzzeeb said:

I still don't really get it though. When we know we are making something small or nonexistent into something huge, why can't we see that? Like I will dwell on something and overthink it nonstop almost like I choose to be miserable and feel sorry for myself! It's so weird and almost like a habit. Sometimes I wonder if I really just want to be unhappy for some reason, otherwise why would I continue to think and over focus on things that are so stupid while other people are enjoying their lives? I remember my mom being super anxious and constantly complaining and I know she had anxiety disorder, but it was annoying to me at the time and now I'm the same way! I'm sick of the whole thing.

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You are driven by fear. Your fear trumps your ability to be logical. Anxiety is a disorder of our thinking process, it has literally taken us over, it’s what we now are. But that’s ok, we didn’t ask for it, didn’t sign a contract for it. It is simply a thought disorder we developed as a result of NOT KNOWING how to deal with stressful things, along with not having sufficient self confidence. Somewhere along the way, we just didn’t develop the ability to deal with stressors effectively. Almost everything we think and feel is influenced by anxiety. But it can be overcome with the right resources and willingness to face your anxiety. It’s Only Anxiety by Carl James/Hope and Help For Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. These are my resources along with meditation, etc. These books changed the course of my anxiety toward recovery. It’s not a quick fix, but a method to use for the rest of your life to help you effectively deal with stress and anxiety provoking situations. It’s an acceptance method that can be used for everything.

I have read Help for Your Nerves also have the "It's Only Anxiety" book and tried meditation twice a day for almost a year, which did very little if anything for me. I feel like distraction works the best for me, which has been hard with Covid and spending more time at home than usual. If I can keep myself busy enough my focus isn't nonstop on my thoughts. I get the acceptance thing, but it's not an easy thing for me to do.

suzzeeb said:

I have read Help for Your Nerves also have the "It's Only Anxiety" book and tried meditation twice a day for almost a year, which did very little if anything for me. I feel like distraction works the best for me, which has been hard with Covid and spending more time at home than usual. If I can keep myself busy enough my focus isn't nonstop on my thoughts. I get the acceptance thing, but it's not an easy thing for me to do.

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That’s unfortunate. The method has helped countless people recover completely from anxiety. One must be willing to practice and stay focused, which is all it takes for it to work. It isn’t easy, but for me it has been more effective than trying to use multiple other practices on a daily basis. All I do is practice the acceptance method. Nothing else to remember. As time passed while practicing, I finally understood the acceptance and how it works. The concepts are there, we just don’t grasp them right away because the anxiety blocks our ability to understand. The beauty of it is that when given enough time, the understanding does come. It’s a leap of faith if you will to embark on a plan, any plan. But I was willing to put my faith to the test. I am glad I did.

suzzeeb said:

I have read Help for Your Nerves also have the "It's Only Anxiety" book and tried meditation twice a day for almost a year, which did very little if anything for me. I feel like distraction works the best for me, which has been hard with Covid and spending more time at home than usual. If I can keep myself busy enough my focus isn't nonstop on my thoughts. I get the acceptance thing, but it's not an easy thing for me to do.

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Are you really accepting or just going through the motions? It's so easy to fool ourselves into believing we are accepting when we worry if we really are. Logic, common sense and reason fly out of the window in anxiety. We know, deep down that we are physically OK, having been told so, but health anxiety is an illness of doubt. 'Did they miss something' etc!! Logically the chances of that happening are remote, but we can never see that at the time. 'Other people are enjoying their lives'! How do you know that? You have to be careful because you never know what is going on in another's mind. Outward appearances can be very deceptive. When I had GAD so many said to me, 'but you look so well'. Of course I did because I was physically fine, although I never thought so. But anxiety is in the mind which can't be seen. It's why so many doubt its exitance. Even some doctors still don't recognise it as an illness. Distraction is OK in the short term, but we come back eventually to ourselves. Distraction never lasts. Some say they feel better after a good work out at the gym. But this is not a physical illness, and no amount of exercise will make a lot of difference. It has to be tackled where it is, in our minds. The human mind is very complex and understanding is a valuable tool. Dr. Weekes based her teaching on understanding. The more we know about anxiety the more we understand how devious and cunning it can be. It's a liar and a cheat. Would you normally engage in any activity with such a person, knowing what they are like? Don't engage with 'IT'. Stop judging yourself and accept all of it, every rotten part of it. Mr. Anxiety wants attention, he thrives on it. The more attention you give him the more active he becomes. We feed him with negative energy. Starve him of any negativity by acceptance.

I guess when I say people are enjoying their lives I mean, of course everyone has problems and a lot have anxiety and other issues, but everyone I know lives normal lives like being able to travel and do things with other people, and for quite a while now I really haven't been able to do much of anything. Depression has been a part of it for me also for a over a year now mixed with the anxiety, so that makes things even harder. I am going to really work on the acceptance thing and try not to engage with the anxiety. I have pretty much stopped taking the anxiety medication at this point because I don't want to rely on that forever and I feel like it gives a false sense of calm and harder to work on things and knowing if you are really making progress because of course you feel better on medication, but we will see how it goes. Thanks for all the good information!

suzzeeb said:

I guess when I say people are enjoying their lives I mean, of course everyone has problems and a lot have anxiety and other issues, but everyone I know lives normal lives like being able to travel and do things with other people, and for quite a while now I really haven't been able to do much of anything. Depression has been a part of it for me also for a over a year now mixed with the anxiety, so that makes things even harder. I am going to really work on the acceptance thing and try not to engage with the anxiety. I have pretty much stopped taking the anxiety medication at this point because I don't want to rely on that forever and I feel like it gives a false sense of calm and harder to work on things and knowing if you are really making progress because of course you feel better on medication, but we will see how it goes. Thanks for all the good information!

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If it hadn’t been for medication, I wouldn’t be where I am in recovery. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if you feel you need it. In my own opinion, I wouldn’t be here without it. There are many who need it. Anxiety and depression can be downright debilitating. Having been hospitalized because of it multiple times. The psych wards are filled with folks with A & D. Been there, so I know. Medication can lift a person up enough so they can get a hold on their selves. This illness can exacerbate to delusional states, also been there. And I’ve seen it first hand in others. If you can manage without medications, that is wonderful. Many cannot. The biggest problem for all of us who deal with anxiety and the resulting depression is the lack of education we desperately need to overcome this thinking disorder. That’s why Dr Weekes wrote her books and helped thousands of people overcome anxiety. She herself suffered from it. She knows. And she also prescribed medications for her patients who needed it. I certainly recognize the good they have done for me, not curing me, but keeping me above the need for hospitalization, being able to function at a certain level. The rest is up to me. That’s why education is so important and why Dr Weekes work is so important. It gives us the necessary information to recover, regardless of whether we take meds or not. Thousands have recovered, I plan to be one of them and I know with certainty that her method works, it takes being willing to do what is necessary and sticking with it no matter what. It isn’t a quick fix, but a slow process of change that can stay with us for the rest of our life, to make real changes within ourselves that will endure. If one cannot use her method, it isn’t because it doesn’t work, it’s because we can’t commit to what is required, we can’t see what is required, we want a quick fix, we don’t want to work at it and try, we don’t want to face the fear because we are afraid of it, we want to do it our way, we want to remain in our comfort zone. Literally hundreds of reasons why.

Like I've said before, I would be happy to take antidepressants if I tolerated them, but I don't tolerate any medications really, except very small doses of anti-anxiety medications, but my last doctor added to my extreme fear of getting addicted to them by telling me he didn't want me to take them anymore, and I was taking no where near what a normal dose would be for anxiety. I have problems with anxiety at night with sleeping, so I would take 1/2 and at my worst 1 whole 0.50 mg once a day at night and he freaked out about that so I changed doctors, but the fear of the medication stayed with me so I weaned pretty much off at this point. My new doctor is fine with my taking them but I still want to see how I do for a while without them if possible because even on a small dose of those I am groggy and tired so not a ton better quality of life.

I'm so glad what you are doing is working for you! You deserve to have a good quality of life, we all do. It seems like you have figured out how to deal with fearful thoughts. I hope you continue to do well in your recovery.

suzzeeb said:

Like I've said before, I would be happy to take antidepressants if I tolerated them, but I don't tolerate any medications really, except very small doses of anti-anxiety medications, but my last doctor added to my extreme fear of getting addicted to them by telling me he didn't want me to take them anymore, and I was taking no where near what a normal dose would be for anxiety. I have problems with anxiety at night with sleeping, so I would take 1/2 and at my worst 1 whole 0.50 mg once a day at night and he freaked out about that so I changed doctors, but the fear of the medication stayed with me so I weaned pretty much off at this point. My new doctor is fine with my taking them but I still want to see how I do for a while without them if possible because even on a small dose of those I am groggy and tired so not a ton better quality of life.

I'm so glad what you are doing is working for you! You deserve to have a good quality of life, we all do. It seems like you have figured out how to deal with fearful thoughts. I hope you continue to do well in your recovery.

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Every doctor is different as we well know. I bet heard a fair amount of testimonials from folks who have a hard time getting off anti anxiety meds. Luckily, I never had that problem. I think sometimes the problem is that when they don’t take it as they usually did that the symptoms of anxiety come back and can be mistaken for withdrawal. I can suggest to you the use of melatonin or benedryl for helping to get to sleep. Both are non habit forming and pose no health risks. Best regards but I hope you rethink the books.

I feel terrible taking benadryl and melatonin too lol. I will rethink the books for sure and need to re-read them as it has been probably a year and probably it would help to refresh myself on all of the techniques.

My husband says i’m being selfish for not going to the doctor to talk about my worries and having a fear for the doctor.
Also says i’m being selfish for not going to therapy for my HA.
He really does not understand the fear and phobia I have developed for the doctor and for anything that has to do with health. Anything about it triggers me.

bigjetplane2 said:

My husband says i’m being selfish for not going to the doctor to talk about my worries and having a fear for the doctor.
Also says i’m being selfish for not going to therapy for my HA.
He really does not understand the fear and phobia I have developed for the doctor and for anything that has to do with health. Anything about it triggers me.

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It's a sad fact that only those who have been there know. It's like any illness. We can only imagine what it's like but will never experience it so can never have real empathy. What I find so annoying with non suffers who are close to us is that so often they make no attempt to understand. There are many books and advice programmes about living with an anxiety sufferer, but few read them.
I suggest they come on this site and read some of the posts. A physical illness they can understand and may help, but because anxiety cant be seen it doesn't exist!! I am not minimising how difficult it is to live with an anxiety sufferer, and many a partnership is put at risk because of it. Not going to the doctors or therapy is born of fear about what might happen. But anxiety is fear, always based on fear. Not going to the doctors when we have physical symptoms is not wise. But on the other hand we can get reassurance that our problem is just nerves. (JUST!!!!). You ae NOT being selfish in the accepted sense of the word. Self centredness and introspection are all anxiety symptoms. If you had a bad cold would having a headache be regarded as being selfish? This all has to be brought into perspective and seen for what it is, symptoms of anxiety in a tired mind.