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Feeling anxious about therapy

Toasthead

Toasthead

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I finally found an affordable online therapy subscription and while I’m excited to have treatment again I’m a little nervous. I’ve been through therapy before, it’s not first time jitters or anything. I’ve just recently come to some realizations that I might have a much deeper disorder beyond just anxiety or depression, I share a lot of symptoms with some really hard to cope with disorders, the kind that destroy your personal relationships and make finding love nearly impossible. I mean in the coming weeks I could possibly find out that I’ll never be able to maintain a stable relationship with another human being, that means I’ll probably never have a family. I already feel like I shouldn’t get close to anyone because the second I open up and they see the real me that’s losing his mind over every little thing and happy one minute and furious the next, they either leave me or they force themselves to watch me lose my mind until they just can’t take it anymore and then they leave.

If I have what I think I have people will definitely look down on me and be afraid to get to know me. I don’t even want to say what condition I believe I might have is until I’ve been diagnosed by a professional because it’s something serious and I don’t want to self diagnose. However trust me when I say that as much as I want to understand why I’m like this I really hope I’m just being paranoid and that this is all in my head because I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to be an emotional burden to my friends and family. I feel guilty just for being alive sometimes.

I find that when I peel back the stupid jokes and defense mechanisms that I may be a lot more broken than I thought. I don’t even feel comfortable discussing this fear with my friends because I don’t want them to think I’m crazy. I know that in the end therapy will help regardless of what happens, but I’m genuinely afraid of getting this diagnosis. To be told essentially that for the rest of my life people will find it extremely difficult to love or live with me would be absolutely devastating to me and yet relieving at the same time, because then treatment can begin and maybe I could get better. I just want to live a normal life and right now I’m not even sure if normal will ever be possible for me.


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Cuchculan

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If you have what you think you have is not saying you actually have that something. Much the same as saying ' I might have '. Over the years we can all come up with these ideas of what we think we might have. We are not right most of the time.

From what you write and having read a lot of your other posts, this therapy will be a good thing for you. The fact that it online simply means you can still be in your own home and feel more relaxed there. Get the most you can out of it. By that I mean, don't hold back. Be honest. Let the therapist come to their own conclusion.

I am sure with some work and the right kind of help you can live that normal life you want to live. Just takes time and a bit of hard work. That hard work will be worth it in the end.
 
M

Mediumbird02

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Clearly you care so much about others that you want to be with someone and you think they won’t love you or want to be with you, this shows you care a lot about the health of the relationship. Just know you have worth and you are valid. You have concerns that are valid, It might be a worse disorder, it might not, but you have valid concerns and they can be addressed and you can start working on you and get over this fear. Therapy is good! It’s good you are making this step to get better.
 
cheer_mom

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How are you doing? I am hoping you have met with a therapist? If so, how did it go?
 
Toasthead

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cheer_mom said:
How are you doing? I am hoping you have met with a therapist? If so, how did it go?
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I’m doing alright, therapy is going pretty well. I’m in NA now, because apparently my drug use was not helping my mental health and I can’t trust myself to not smoke weed like it’s an Olympic sport. I nearly had a brain aneurysm at work because the people that run the company I work for are too stupid to be alive. My best friend finally came home so it’s been nice having him back. And I’m in the process of losing my mind because weed has become my identity and without it I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. So yeah I’m doing pretty great.


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cheer_mom

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I am glad your friend is back. Is he still getting married? Just remember everyday it will get easier to not smoke pot. You have the opportunity to create a new identity. What is something you have always wanted to do?
 
Toasthead

Toasthead

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cheer_mom said:
I am glad your friend is back. Is he still getting married? Just remember everyday it will get easier to not smoke pot. You have the opportunity to create a new identity. What is something you have always wanted to do?
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I’ve always wanted to be a writer, I’ve actually thought about going to film school or maybe just going back to college and finishing my communication degree so I can have my bachelors. Unfortunately my buddy’s girl called things off 2 days before the wedding, he’s also starting going to meetings with me and we’re both going to the gym now. He’s pretty tore up about the whole thing, but I’m helping him through it. We’re actually making plans to go see System Of A Down in concert so that’s cool. I know it’ll get easier and I have a great support network of loving people. Today was just a bad day, but honestly if I wasn’t an hour and a half from the closest recreational dispensary and at work I would’ve used again today, it’s been 6 days since the last time I got high, I’m managing, but barely.


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cheer_mom

cheer_mom

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I'm glad you have your friend to be on the journey with you. Helping him through his break up will also help you. It will keep your mind off of your problems. Im struggling right now too. Anxiety attacks have been horrible. Luckily I was at a dr appointment when it happened yesterday. All my vitals were completely normal. I am constantly scared of a heart attack. I am scared to even exercise because of it. I think I'm going to call my cardiologist and ask for another echo or echo stress test just so I can get reassurance. I've lost 40 pounds and really want to start working out, but fear stops me.
 
TruthHurts

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cheer_mom said:
I'm glad you have your friend to be on the journey with you. Helping him through his break up will also help you. It will keep your mind off of your problems. Im struggling right now too. Anxiety attacks have been horrible. Luckily I was at a dr appointment when it happened yesterday. All my vitals were completely normal. I am constantly scared of a heart attack. I am scared to even exercise because of it. I think I'm going to call my cardiologist and ask for another echo or echo stress test just so I can get reassurance. I've lost 40 pounds and really want to start working out, but fear stops me.
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One tip that might help, If heart attacks are what you've been fearing start eating a diet with less saturated fat, cholesterol, start eating more foods that are heart healthy with lots of fiber. These type of foods help to keep the arteries clean. Maybe if you feel as if you are at less of a risk of having a heart attack it may help you turn the corner on this fear and move on from it. I see it like this the arteries are the highway for the blood a healthy diet will help to keep that highway clear for good blood flow. Just like a highway with cars on it you don't won't a traffic jam :)
 
cheer_mom

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My risk is actually really low for a heart attack. I've lost 43 lbs. I still have more to lose but other than weight and my dad's side of the family having heart issues, I have no risk factors. I know the chances are low, but my brain just won't let it go. I need to improve my good cholesterol. I will definitely try to get more fiber! Thanks for the advice.
 
cheer_mom

cheer_mom

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Just checking in to see how you are doing? Hope all is well with therapy and life.
 
Toasthead

Toasthead

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cheer_mom said:
Just checking in to see how you are doing? Hope all is well with therapy and life.
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Sorry it’s been a while, got busy, I’m actually moving across the country soon. Therapy has been going really well, I just got my 90 day chip from NA. I ended up having to switch therapists because my first one got too busy for me and I ended up with a therapist that specializes in CBT and it’s helped a lot. I’ve been working harder on mindfulness and it’s made the stress of this move a lot more bearable. I’ve been in a bit of a depressed mood the last couple weeks because of the move and it’s only recently started to subside. I still get low from time to time, but staying busy and practicing mindfulness helps a lot.


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cheer_mom

cheer_mom

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Toasthead said:
Sorry it’s been a while, got busy, I’m actually moving across the country soon. Therapy has been going really well, I just got my 90 day chip from NA. I ended up having to switch therapists because my first one got too busy for me and I ended up with a therapist that specializes in CBT and it’s helped a lot. I’ve been working harder on mindfulness and it’s made the stress of this move a lot more bearable. I’ve been in a bit of a depressed mood the last couple weeks because of the move and it’s only recently started to subside. I still get low from time to time, but staying busy and practicing mindfulness helps a lot.


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So glad to hear that therapy is working. CBT worked fpr me as well. I need to start going back to therapy more regularly. Congrats on 90 days!! Keep up the amazing work.
 
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