Severe anxiety from possible chronic illness (Hypochondria?)

AnthonyMG said:

Hi everyone,

Since last time I posted (10 days ago) I've been having some good online support (by email) from an health professional with a lot of experience with difficult situations and with knowledge of mental health and psychiatry. He has been very supporting and helpful. We started to talk about the possible physical causes of my symptoms and he shared a lot of opinions with me.

With time, as he started to know me better, he realised that I have a lot of situations in my life that for my type of personality, it could be the case that my health problem could be some sort of somatization disorder. I understand the mechanism and I accept that it is possible. As you know, since my first posts in this thread, I always considered all the options and this was one of the options that I even verbalised here.

I'm just not totally convinced. I wish I was, of course. It would be really great if I could be sure that my problem is a mental or psychiatric problem. But the complexity of all that happened is keeping me from accepting the somatization disorder as the main suspect for my symptoms. I mean, it started with a specific episode, it did not start from nothing. And the symptoms are basically the same from day one until now.

So, it's hard to get me convinced. I really feel pain in the throat. I really feel as if something is stuck there. And I really feel like something does not fit anymore as it used to fit when I swallow. As if something is crossed from one side to the other, kind of suffocating me.

Anyone has an opinion on this?

Could it be that since the first day, I assumed that something got stuck in my throat but there's never been anything, even though I felt it there scratching my throat as a stuck foreign body?

Or could it be that I actually had something stuck in my throat for a while, or some sort of temporary damaged, but then once it was gone the mind unconsciously acted as if it was still there and provoked the same symptoms, deceiving my conscious awareness?

Is it possible that when I swallow and feel the pain (which happens all the times I swallow without eating), the pain sensation is actually built in my psyche from a mechanism that it developed that makes it feel as real as it is?

You know, I really want to believe in this theory, because it is probably my last chance of having something that can be treated, allowing me to get my life back, even if the treatment is hard and takes a lot of time. But I'm finding it difficult to really believe in this theory, due to the complexity of the situation itself. It did not start from nothing and it is too real to be my unconscious mind playing a trick on my conscious mind, which basically is what happens with this somatization disorder thing.

Thanks.

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AnthonyMG said:

Hi bigjetplane2!

As always, thanks for your support and participation in this thread. I hope you're at least doing a bit better than a few weeks ago.

Yes my friend, I understand everything you say and I can accept that it might be a case of somatization. But my situation, as you know very well (you've been following this thread with attention from the beginning), my symptoms are not just "some sensation" or "strange feeling". They are too intense, too real, and too related to a specific event/accident to get me convinced that I'm making myself feel them. Even believing (as I do) that our unconscious is very powerful and tricky, in ways that seem to go beyond comprehension.

"Let me ask you this, when you’re asleep, does that feeling wake you up?"

Sometimes it keeps me from falling asleep. And the symptoms are the first thing I feel when I wake up, whether in the morning or in the middle of the night. If the feeling/symptom wakes me up, that very subjective. I can say that since I have this, I sleep maybe 6 or 7 hours per night, when before I used to sleep about 9 hours per night.

Anyway, I can't say the symptoms wake me up. Maybe a couple of times, but that is not usual. Because as the symptoms make it harder for me to fall asleep, when I do, I'm already very tired and so it's not that easy to wake me up as I'm exhausted. And also because usually they are not intense enough to wake me up. As I said before, most of the time I'm not into much pain. It is very unpleasant and very uncomfortable ("suffocation-like" agony), but when it comes to pain, it's just slightly painful.

The problem is that I have it all the time, 24/7, and the idea that it can be forever is very hard to deal with. Imagine a day when you are sick, you don't feel much pain, but you feel uncomfortable and ill. You can deal with it well, because you know that in a few days, as usual, it's gone. Now imagine that it remains for 7 months and you're only diagnosis so far tells you that you will be like that forever.


"When you’re totally distracted, do you feel it?"

Some days are better than other days. In the worst days, I may well be totally distracted, even with something that is pleasant and totally excites me, I still feel it as it is impossible to ignore. In the days when I feel better (the symptoms are there but the are softer), sometimes I can say that I don't feel it because I'm totally distracted. Sometime it happens, but it's not usual and as long as I focus on it and do the swallowing test, I can confirm that the symptoms are always there.

But as I said, I can accept that it could be all "somatization" because I know that our unconscious mind is very powerful and tricky, in ways that seem to go beyond comprehension. Or else, I'm still in denial and can't accept that I have a permanent damage, so I'm holding on to this theory as I know that it can be treated and I could regain hope in getting back to my normal life.

Should I stop going to the psychologist and start going to a psychiatrist?

Thanks again.

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AnthonyMG said:

Update:

3 weeks ago (my last post) I only did the Librax for 3 days. I wasn't enjoying it that much...

A week ago I went to a psychiatrist. Told about the whole story, without getting into deep details, for lack of time, as the story is already too long and has many chapters, so it was not possible to get into details in a 1 hour visit.

The psychiatrist says that in his view it is most likely a psychosomatic disorder, generating the pain and horrible sensation. He says that he's about 90% sure about it. Unfortunately I'm not so sure, at least yet. And I have to admit that I went there and gave him all the arguments for that diagnostic. I basically went there to see if he thinks it can be psychosomatic and so I highlighted the facts that point in that way.

So I'm not too surprised he got convinced that I'm getting all this from a psychosomatic problem. But it can be that, I don't doubt.

And if it is that, it will be very hard to get me rid of this problem. It is going on for such a long time and the symptoms are so "installed" in my mind that it would be a long hard road out of this for me. But I prefer that to the permanent damage theory. If it's psychosomatic, there are chances I can one day get rid of it or at least improve a lot.

The psychiatrist prescribed me Mirtazapine, 15mg per day. An antidepressant. This dosage is the lowest, as there are also 30mg and 45mg pills. Will be the first time in my whole life that I'm going to have this kind of medication.

And I feel so sad that it is because of this macabre situation. I mean, if the symptoms miraculously disappeared tomorrow, the next day I would be the happiest person, anxiety would go away and all the negative and depressive thoughts would automatically vanish. I'm sure of this. So, I'm also sure that I'm anxious and depressed because of the health problem or disease I'm going through. And to accept that the only way to get out this starts by healing my depressive state and anxiety, it's not easy at all.

Maybe I have Globus Pharyngeus, or Crichopharyngeal Spasm, and maybe I could start with other kind of medication, to relax the throat and surrounding muscles. But I'm too desperate to keep looking for more hints and answers, so I will just start with the mirtazapine in about a week to see what happens.

Anyone here has experience with mirtazapine (remeron, etc)?

Tomorrow I will do the neck ultrasound. I know nothing will come out, as with the CT scan and the MRi that I already did. But who knows... it would be so good if they were to find something wrong that could be treated. If I could choose this or winning a millionaire lotery, I would choose this without even thinking twice. But I'm realistic right now and I know it will be just one more disillusion.

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AnthonyMG said:

Hi bigjetplane2

As expected my friend. Nothing. The ultrasound technician said that there was nothing to add to the situation. I will only get the report in a few days, but I already know that. The exam was very fast and I wanted to ask some questions that I was not given a chance to.

In 10 days I will go to a rheumatologist so hopefully I will have the chance to ask some of the questions there.

The blood tests also came out normal. Just 2 of the analyses strengthen the idea that the probability of having the severe allergic reaction with cartilage damage is not probable at all.

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