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The frustration of it always being SOMETHING (melanoma this time)

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mollyfin

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I've gotten a few fears put aside for the moment, but I'd been getting an itch/pain on a spot on my back that I thought was a bug bite; turns out it's a mole. I've had it forever, but it's bigger and darker and uglier than it is in photos where I can see it (I mean, the only photo I have where it's visible isn't terribly clear but it's definitely bigger and more misshapen...granted so is my entire body these days) . Seeing the derm on Monday and hoping it's just a dysplastic mole in the very early stages of changing, but the pain/itching and darkening has me convinced otherwise. Already planning legal arrangements post-death, etc.

I feel like I can't keep my head above water. I'm constantly fighting with myself going back and forth between "it's anxiety" and "no this time you're right." And neither is good. Obviously one is better than the other, but living in permanent anxiety for no good reason isn't good either.

I go through periods of being kind of okay, but they never last. And they're getting rarer and rarer.
 
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E.B

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I went through seasons identical. Hop from one worry to another...just as you are content something pops up. Probably doesn't help me telling you that you are fine....but you are.
 
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mollyfin

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I hope you're right. It does help a lot knowing that even if my health does go to ****, I can still come here and talk to people. I think a big part of my fear has been feeling like I'll be going through it alone - not because I don't have supportive people in my life; I just don't find it easy to talk to people about serious stuff like that.
 
Cuchculan

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If you had of seen the huge thing my mother had removed from her arm earlier this year. It was benign. you would look at it and think the worst. Such and easy removal. Was just bloody horrible looking. Just an example of what can appear and still be harmless.
 
Lanchparty7

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mollyfin said:
I've gotten a few fears put aside for the moment, but I'd been getting an itch/pain on a spot on my back that I thought was a bug bite; turns out it's a mole. I've had it forever, but it's bigger and darker and uglier than it is in photos where I can see it (I mean, the only photo I have where it's visible isn't terribly clear but it's definitely bigger and more misshapen...granted so is my entire body these days) . Seeing the derm on Monday and hoping it's just a dysplastic mole in the very early stages of changing, but the pain/itching and darkening has me convinced otherwise. Already planning legal arrangements post-death, etc.

I feel like I can't keep my head above water. I'm constantly fighting with myself going back and forth between "it's anxiety" and "no this time you're right." And neither is good. Obviously one is better than the other, but living in permanent anxiety for no good reason isn't good either.

I go through periods of being kind of okay, but they never last. And they're getting rarer and rarer.
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I can so relate. Especially to your last sentence. Really struggling as of late and doing anything and everything I can to NOT google. Googling hurts more than helps.
 
cheer_mom

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My dad had a mole removed that the derm was sure was going to be cancerous. She explained treatment and everything. He was under treatment for lung cancer at the time. The mole came back benign. Just proves that even questionable looking moles come back benign. Easier said than done, but try not to worry until you need to. Sending you a big hug and prayers for comfort.
 
bin_tenn

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A lot of these replies are a testament to the fact that anxiety really does alter our perception of reality. The mole may or may not actually look as bad as you believe it does. When I had anxiety about melanoma, there was a particular mole on my back that always triggered the fear. It doesn't look much different from any other mole I have aside from being a bit larger than others, and occasionally some redness around it. When I was anxious about it it looked scary and huge and dark and red. But as soon as I stopped worrying about it, it actually looks quite normal.
 
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mollyfin

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Yeah, I've had other suspicious looking moles come back fine. In this case it's hard for me to say how it looks because most of my big weird moles are on my back. And my uncle had either stage III or stage IV melanoma (I'm not sure if they ever found the primary site so they didn't really know how far it spread) and he's been fine for over 20 years. So I know treatment can work even when it's bad. If I were someone in my right mind I would probably be mildly to moderately concerned. But...well, I'm not.
 
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mollyfin

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And last night I noticed that the vision in one eye is fuzzier than the other so now I'm thinking brain tumor/brain mets. This isn't at all normal. Even if I'm right, this isn't normal thinking.
 
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Walking Circles

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mollyfin said:
And last night I noticed that the vision in one eye is fuzzier than the other so now I'm thinking brain tumor/brain mets. This isn't at all normal. Even if I'm right, this isn't normal thinking.
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Just about everyone in my family has one eye that is randomly worse on some days. For me it's my left, sometimes it will just be blurry/fuzzier than the right. My mother and grandmother have had that happening as long as they can remember and both have had extensive medical work ups and nothing has come of it. Everything has normal variations and some days are always rougher than other.
 
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mollyfin

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Yeah I’m also having pain in that side of my head but boy isn’t it crazy that that only started after I noticed the eye thing??? Sigh.

My derm agrees that there are concerning spots on the mole and if it's itchy it needs to be biopsied so I guess I'll know in a week or two. Eye doctor Thursday (I had been planning on going as soon as I was vaccinated anyway; I haven't been to one since my dad was alive, so at least eleven years, and I could probably use new glasses.) Then neurologist (for my messed up neck, been waiting on this two years thanks to slow doctors and covid!), cardiologist (per my GP I need to see one), endocrinologist (to monitor thyroid) and dentist (because my teeth are a mess). And then GYN follow-up because I have a cyst/enlarged ovary. So many opportunities to find out something's wrong with me that I didn't even notice. Sigh.
 
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cheer_mom

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Take a deep breath. Anxiety sucks!! It will do no good to say don't worry because that's all we do. I walked to my rental property and had chest pain. I know it is because I have arthritis in my AC joint so when I swing my arms it causes small twinges in my chest along my clavical. I KNOW this, but I immediately think that what if this time it IS my heart!! I'm so tired of this constant battle.
 
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mollyfin

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Yeah, I know worrying is so pointless. It doesn't help anything! Just trying to keep distracted, keep my appointments even though I kind of want to cancel everything and hide and get through it. If anything bad shows up, I'll deal with it; I won't have a choice. I know all these things and yet! Anxiety is so irritating.
 
cheer_mom

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I am constantly fearing a heart attack I. I've had several EKGs. All fine. Stress test and echo 3 years ago. All normal. Cardiologist didnt see any reason to repeat them this year because I have no risk factors other than my dad's heart disease. He was a smoker though and a noncompliant diabetic. I am neither of those. My triglycerides are a little above normal(190s) and my good cholesterol is low. Everything else is fine. Why cant I just accept that my heart is okay?!!!
 
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