Worried about major life changes

I skipped lunch to try to make the deadline for my orders at work today and I didn’t end up making it. I’ve been super moody and irritable all day. I legit had pretend arguments while driving between stops that would never happen with my friend and my boss. Like I was preparing for arguments that would never end up happening. I started dissecting why I was so angry and had all these intricate theories as to why I just want to fight everyone. Guess what? Finally had lunch and now I’m feeling much better, turns out I was just hangry


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ThankfulJen said:

Makes sense! I often find myself dealing with the effects of hangriness! Glad you got to finally eat!

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Yeah I’ve thought about it and honestly regardless of the reason, my mood swinging like that hasn’t been the usual for me for a while. I think it was just exhaustion from working 12 hours and going the first 8 without a break (horrible idea btw), but I got really introspective during my last two stops, my brain just kept going and going and worrying about everything, after a while it just felt like the thought equivalent of white noise, it felt like 30 people try to talk to me at the same time, but not actually auditory hallucinations or anything like that. My brain was just swinging from one thought or doubt to another really fast and I couldn’t stop thinking about certain pains or failures or worries. It was just constant and all I wanted was to turn it off. Now of course as usual for me once I got home I smoked some weed and feel much better now. I swear medicinal marijuana is the only thing that quiets my mind. It’s not even artificial happiness like other things, it’s more like a happiness that’s the result of the peace it gave me. Helps with my depression too. I don’t do it as often anymore, but it just feels nice to shut that doubt off for a bit and just be happy that you’re alive. I swear that as long as I live I’ll never pop another pill for my mental health again. The meth pills that they gave me for my ADD when I was a kid gave me enough problems. You know how awful it is to be a drug addict in the first grade? Losing your mind when prescriptions aren’t filled, going through withdrawals during the summer just to maintain their potency. If you read the side effects on the back it says they can cause anxiety. To this day I blame those pills for a lot of my problems with anxiety. I probably would’ve had it regardless, but the medication didn’t help.

I also blame the fact that I spent practically my entire childhood being told that there was something wrong with me. People constantly talked down to me like I was disabled or crazy. Few people understood me so I grew to hate everyone eventually. I was the weird know-it-all kid no one liked. I was never made to feel like I was good enough for anybody so eventually I just stopped trying. I love talking to people and making them laugh. Jokes were how I communicated growing up, no one took me seriously so I stopped taking myself seriously and making people laugh made me feel liked and validated. So over the years I put all my effort to becoming funny and now I do stand-up comedy at a local bar. When I’m on stage is the only time I feel like I truly belong. Everyone tells me I’m great at it, but it’s hard for me to believe them sometimes. I’ve even been invited and to do a show sometime in a bigger town. God I can’t wait for the clubs to reopen.

Wow I really rambled there, but I’m kinda glad I got all that out.


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