Im tired....

I am tired of proving something for myself. Hardworking, dedication, time, trying. I'm tried of all of it. They say you work hard and earn your way in the world. But they don't account talent, money, power, looks, ability. I thought they were attainable. But now I see things as they are not what I want to be. I tierd everything to make my self matter. I did good things, I did bad things. I did sports, I got good grades, and fought. But it didn't amount to ****. One step forward 10 steps back. I got no one or nothing that is truly mine.

My only job I have is to get good grades, trust in god, and don't lose your mind. I am ******* up all three. I am failing all my classes and I can't focus on one goddamn thing since they give me one every god damn day. I am failing and breaking everything.Relationships, tests, quizs, projects, talking to people, hell my teeth is getting more yellow and I brush them four times a day. There is so much bad **** that is going on I doubt god even cares or EXIST. I barley pray just say "god help me" and go to sleep.

I am starting to think of thoughts I have not thought in a while since middle school. Violent, depressing, sad thoughts. Nightmares of me doing bad things. Sudden thoughts of me doing violence things to my self and others. I dream stabbing myself in the eye, bashing my love ones with blunt objects, me dying in violent ways and seeing g my slef in a demented form. I would rather die then be that monster, I will keep him caged, even if I have nightmares for the rest of my life. I never had any major trauma and yet I feel these urges. Never fought anyone in my life and just took the abuse form others.

To some it all up I am tired of living and trying this world but I am too scared to end it because I don't no what's at the other side. Oh wait I know what, it's the same explanation I give my self. A complete nothing and the only respite I feel is sleeping, eating, watching TV, movies, YouTube, and playing video games. I am starting to like drinking but only on special occasions. Either I hurt myself or others, I choose myself. Or forget about it and just smile and take it on day by day and tell people I'm fine and I'm doing well. Yea me

I am currently attending therapy for my emotions and SLOWLY but surely making my self right in the head. I will not kill myslef or feel sorry about myself. I'll build myself from the ground up

I don't know why I am still in collage. I am getting further into debt. The assignments are getting to complicated and I can't even learn one goddam thing without them dumping on me something else. The help they offer is always on the end of the week where its to late to do anything. I am about to quit and try to find a job but this ******* economy you cant get ****. And don't give me started of all the bullshit thats been going around. With all this hate going around I would love to go wild for a change. To stop being the good guy and start being the monster who I have been caging for years. They see me as a cancer and annoying and worthless. So be it, at this point I don't give to fucks about them or myself. The only thing good in collage is all the financial aide I have been gaining so the stuff I don't use is my money. I don't have to work because of my school so I can focus on my hobbies which is sweet. BUT I am nothing but a lazy glutens pile of **** who is to much of a coward to stand up for him self. I mean I cant even drive, write well, speak my parents native language, or have any skill that would give me a job. If I would jump off a building and splat my self off the pavement I would be just some statistics and have some bullshit memorial and all the people who hurt me and love me would try to better THEMSELVES. Only when bad things happen people care. It takes a war to wake people up, it takes an ass whooping to make bullies stop, it takes lying and cheating to get what you want now a days when all your hard work amounts to ****. I did good things and bad things but the main thing I do is fail I give up. I don't fight losing battles AND I think just being the loser people say I am is a lot easier then trying

This is real life, the underdog loses, the bigger beater smarter, faster, and more good looking people or rich beyond belief get thier way in this world. People only pray when they don't have the ability to do things on thier own. I prayed every day for both god and devil and got no response, why because they don't or care. They only care if they serve them, people only care what benefits them. Asking for help is only strength when that help gains RESULTS, the win, the #1 spot, second place means first loser, the person who didn't get the promotion, the guy that didn't get the girl. Those Hollywood scenarios are cheap children's tales. I want to live in a world where being good is optional, people keep doing bad things because they WANT to and get away from it. History is a bit of a hobby of mind and all I se from it is great historical figures doing bad stuff to be remembered. If some one had the powers of Superman, he would be more like Homelander. Vigilantes would be treaded like criminals and gunned down as one. Hell in this county we cant get along and some day (hopefully not in my lifetime) gonna be a civil war over some bullshit. The we would rebuild, have peace, and then start the whole gad damn thing over again. Like my depression, get anxious, get mad, get frustrated, get apathetic, give up, forget about it, and ******* REPEAT. I sometimes ask myself "WHY AM I ALIVE", but I remember something that my body tells me, " because you are to stubborn to die". The depression will take me in the end, and my body cant resist it for long. So for now I am just gonna do the things I enjoy until something kills me. Forget all the work stuff I am trying to do, I am just gonna fail in the end.
For my favorite quote once said , " WHEN YOUR WOLRD A FANTASY,THE BEST PLACE TO HIDE IS INSANITY"

I am in therapy in both one-on-one and group and I am talking about and anxiety and fears. But I have yet to talk with them about my more darker side. I always took the punishment and played an innocent good boy. But the good grades and make mommy proud **** is starting to irritate me. People are living better lives than me and talking with with others makes me wanna vomit. Everytime some one wrong b b me and I don't get the justice or closure I need. I fantasize doing all matter of nasty to them. I am very pretty person and I wish I didn't lose anymore.
I try and fail and try and fail and try and ******* fail. And now I realize I want tf o better myself. But I want yg o let go of this anger and be the monster I want to be. I want to be the bad guy whose hurts back. I want to punish my siblings for there defiance. I some times think of cutting myslef and how it would feel to stab some one. I was working with my father out side and had a cinderblock in my hands and he was just under me. I was about to and stopped when he says hand me it. I wanted to do so much harm for all of those who treated me wrongly.
I know these thought are wrong but I am starting not to care ALOT. I am eating more than I should and sleeping in more. I want go lash out and show the world how bad I can be. They call me angel but why not trying to be a devil. God still not answering me so I stopped praying. I startimg to doubt everything. I am failing and I am done with trying not to kill myself. For my next session I will reveal all the dark feelings I am hiding and hopefully get it off my chest. I mood will not change until my grades are better. If bot I am heading for death or dishonor. I would rather die then live as a failure.
It will make my live ones sad, atleast I can take that away from them. I refuse to suffer while those around me are living better than me. I am tired of trying to prove myslef. I am a loser who is lazy and have no redeeming qualities. Scumlike me need to die and make way for others more deserving. Those at the bottom stay at the bottom.
I am done trying. All I can do is keeping g going to therapy and hope for the best. But I know it is never gonna get better