Has any one feel worth less

I am in collage, twenty four years of age, and is border line suicidal at times. But sometimes I'm strangely happy. Guess that's what Gemini"s are. Thease past youlears ever since high school I feel depressed and I feel like I can not contribute anything to society. During the day I am fine butat night. I am angry depressed, sad and suicidal at times but I am good at hiding and running.

I am a coward and I accepts any punishment as such. I have no job, can't drive, can't even speak Spanish as well as I should, lazy, mistrustful, selfish, ugly, and above all worthless on anything I try

I am thinking of suicide and I know it's bad and I k ow its gonna hurt a couple of people, but I stopped beliving in anything.I even started not believing in god anymore because of my depression. So I ask all who can listen. What can a sorry sack of **** like me do to make me stop feeling this way I am at the point of not trying anything and just giving up which us nothing new I am a burden and a fool who deserves to die. I am at the point that I think I am worth nothing and I will die being. Nothing. Talentless and a clown that everyone laughs at and avoids.

Its easy just to forget the feeling and smile and say I'm fine. But I've been the same ever since 10. I always had this darkness in ne that wants to hurt my self and others. I am older and I get m ou re and more agitated. I haven't had nothing violent .....yet. But sometimes I think I should have hurt back. To become thing I suppress. To finally have the time to express my true feelings. I do all the good things I do JUST to appease others, to feel accepted and loved. But what did God behavior and grades get me, NOT A DAMN THING. Just a cookie and a pat on the head. I hate everything more and more every day. But I know I can not do anything so Injust let it roll off me and the bad memories replay again again and Again. Now I just want to be left alone and the thought of relationships and friends underly repulsive me. I guess offing my self gets alot more appealing little by little. You may say thier is a hell, but I just think there's nothing but this: Your born you live and you Die. Nothing else

I'll work on it as best I can. Maybe do other things that will take my mind off it.

I should elaborate of my whole death thing. It started like realybstarted in middle school when I had the flu. I got realy drowsy for no reason and just went to sleep in my bed. Then I woke up nearly jumping off my bed. My dad told me I was out for to days. It like I was dead. Feeling nothing and just being nothing. The second reason was in middle school before that when I got jumped by my so called friends I knew ever since kindergarten. Granted middle school is the age almost all kids become assholes.

Now I'm ****** up in the head and now I can't trust anyone. Its bravery that your your not well, it's just common instinct of human beings. I missed out on alot and regret not partaking in things that would help me. It's not a bad thing atleast for me to admit your not good enough. It lowered my expectations and saved me from alot of headaches, heartaches, and emotional stress. I get stressed out easily if things get to hard so I avoid things that put to much responsibility on me.

I could pray for every little thing but even those can't pay Bill's or stop a repeating problem. How can I believe in something if I can't believe in my self. All I see at the end of the road is bbn blackness. I die nothing but black. No soul no feeling and no memory of anything. Just nothing but none existence for someone as wretched as me. I learned this from this point on. Those who don't have the power or the skills to stand on thier own two feet will never go far. And those who are imprisoned by thier feelings and the past will miss the future.

I live in the here and now and want to forget the past and avoid the future. But I'm just barrowed tine just waiting for the day when I'm dumb enough to take my own life. Or just forget about it and continue with my hobbies.

School coming up and the good news is I dont have to pay any loans. Peel grant money and financial aide is hear this time around. My life is get good grades, five days a week. Get two days off. Work hard, smile, eat sleep, play video games, watch YouTube REPEAT. I'm tired of working for a goal that may not even happen. Tired to help out for others even tho I know I can't do anything relevant. Tied of being a good person evm thi my real feeling telling to be not but to much of a coward to act upon them. Telling myself and people telling me it's okay but me telling myself its realy ******* not.

Relapsing in happy sad happy sad happy but to being ******* crazy depressed becuase I have to do a simple job, assignment, act. I never really try ANYTHING with effort or passion. I work to pass, not succeed( if that makes sense). I am know I am needed and loved. But I never think that I am and I am starting to care less and less every day. Driving dating, learning, it's all a ******* hassle and more and more I am sleeping in and wishing I won't wake up. I use to have so much energy I barely slept. Now it's hard to learn any skills, getting up in the morning, hell smiling. Hell I almost got into a panic attack just by looking at my school email, a fricken email.

I'm a loser who has no right or desire to do so. I want to end it soooooo bad. Ending the mundane routine, the false dreams, and the lying fo my self. Those around me don't want to admit it. But I can tell when some one hates me. It's alot easier to hate someone then to like them. Why I do it, becuase I want to matter, screw that. Becuase I want to be heard, forget that. To learn to love and find my purpose, **** dat. I just want to stop or atleast reset my life even tho I can't do that. I we ant to be someone else but I can't. I want to die yet living is less scary. I sleep I blackout and nothing but blackness.

Non existence feels better than feeling, no more bad feeling of anger, sadness, anxiety, just nothing. That's what I truly want, to be nothing and just fade in it. That's the truth I learn. Nothatter how big or small you did in your life means nothing in the end. In about two or three generations your name will be forgotten. Your dead that's it and if I speed up the clock oh well. What's the point of doing anything when thiers nothing after. You forget who you are and what you did and fade into nothing. People want new beginnings, Pat's on the back and telling them self, " I can do it if 8 just try"
But no I just want to end thiers no point of doing anything. No praying, no god, no hell, just you and your pathetic hopeless goals and dreams. I played slot of video games and rewatched alot of shows and movies. It game over now. But I will continue to distract me from my problems and just repeat the cycle over and over and over again and put on that fake smile yea
what a mess of a life I live

Sometimes I feel like quitting school and just get a 9 to 5. More specifically college, they say it's the best four years of your life. Bit all I am experiencing is student dept, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and struggling to learn ANYTHING. Most of the people are living thier lives and already doing what they want and being what they want. Granted all of it is my fault. Can't drive, can't work, can't do anything thing right, and childish as all hell. I want to change but it's hard and I give up in anything I do.

I see all around me people living better lives than me. No matter how hard I work thiers some one above me, as it always has been. I climb to the top thiers a bigger mountain I need to climb. While a 2 ton bolder of depression, anxiety, and seth loathing and doubt. Sometimes I want to fall asleep and I woke wake up. I see movies and youtube and video games to distract me from lifes woes and problems. Watching and playing people who can do amazing things. Being brave, confident, powerful, driven, hell beautiful.

Maybe I'm just studying game desgin is just me clinging on false hope. I let everybody down. I'm not the man, son, brother, and friend I should be. Especially around this time. People dying everyday left and right. People who deserve to live dies. And those who deserve doe keep on living. I should be the one to die, the guy who can't offer nothing to. Not the people in the protest, not the innocent victims dying form this sickness, and not those who putting thier lives o the line to help others.

The guy who can't speak Spanish l, who can't drive, who can't write well, who's lazy, childish, dumb, cowardly, selfish ill-tempered, overly anxious, and a whiny little bitch. What the **** does god keep me alive.

I don't want perfection, I want piece of mind and a purpose/goal

But I can forget all of that. Fro most of my hobbies to the most trusted people I know, none of them gives me the most confidence then my dad. I mess up a lot and complain and whine,but he is always there to pick me up and say something to get me motivated. Yes I DID AT ONE TIME AT SCHOOL SAID i WAS SUICIDAL. But that day my dad was not the big strong confidant man I know, he was scared for me and at home he pored his heart to me.I scared him and I didn't, mean to because I was unhappy. He taught me what a man is and that no matter what happens he will always be supporting me. More than god just talking to him gives me hope and determination. he has that affect upon people. He busts his ass for us, and what do have to show for his sacrifice. Letters and false promises to him. I should work just as hard as him for my family. I am having trouble with my new classes. Have to download a bunch of programs and a few subscriptions for my game design course. Its so much information I feel like time fly's. I had sleepless nights and emotional break downs just to learn one damn concept. But sometimes I ask my self "What would papa do?".I would say He would man up and take care of business. Work hard and never give up. Fight through the pain and be brave. Push pass his limits, and go for the goal. That is one of the main reasons I want to live,to be like him someday and live my life proudly with out fear or worry. Not someone like me could be that great. I will try if not, at least he will pick me back up and say he his proud of me like he always does.

PRguru_cfj said:

But I can forget all of that. Fro most of my hobbies to the most trusted people I know, none of them gives me the most confidence then my dad. I mess up a lot and complain and whine,but he is always there to pick me up and say something to get me motivated. Yes I DID AT ONE TIME AT SCHOOL SAID i WAS SUICIDAL. But that day my dad was not the big strong confidant man I know, he was scared for me and at home he pored his heart to me.I scared him and I didn't, mean to because I was unhappy. He taught me what a man is and that no matter what happens he will always be supporting me. More than god just talking to him gives me hope and determination. he has that affect upon people. He busts his ass for us, and what do have to show for his sacrifice. Letters and false promises to him. I should work just as hard as him for my family. I am having trouble with my new classes. Have to download a bunch of programs and a few subscriptions for my game design course. Its so much information I feel like time fly's. I had sleepless nights and emotional break downs just to learn one damn concept. But sometimes I ask my self "What would papa do?".I would say He would man up and take care of business. Work hard and never give up. Fight through the pain and be brave. Push pass his limits, and go for the goal. That is one of the main reasons I want to live,to be like him someday and live my life proudly with out fear or worry. Not someone like me could be that great. I will try if not, at least he will pick me back up and say he his proud of me like he always does.

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But I ain't him

Siphonophorae said:

Well then life's not quite as much of a heck as you think it is then. You've got someone. That's always good.

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Ya its comes with the territory of college. I guess I'll do my best. I want to so much things and I ain't dying yet. I'll try to relax more and take things slow. Since your still young I suggest you party as long as your young. I'm grown and tons of emotions badder you again and again. But I learned that you need to find your passion and let those you like/ love you. No fear and all gusto as it stands. But all and all you seem like a good kid who has nothing to worry about. So enjoy with nob fear thanks for your kind words much appreciate and respect

I have been getting more angry and more depressed more and more lately. I am stubborn but even my stubbornness has its limits. I care about my grades but I am giving up more and more and starting to expect failure even more than usual. I never do everything because I know I will always fail EVERY TIME. I had excellent grades in school. But now I see I just did them so my parents would let me do what ever I wanted so long as I play by the rules.

I always talked a big game and I say I am going to do something yet when it gets tough I give up. I hate struggling in anything. I can never be the champion. I only work when the times comes to it but I know no matter how hard I work I will lose and the bar gets raised to high for me to reach. Things are going down hill academically, and if one thing slips up, the whole thing falls. Maybe this is as big as I'm gonna get. At this point, I'm tired of struggling for a dream I can never reach.

I want to give up so bad and hey it's what I do. No body ever takes me seriously, I can never get a companion in life. I will just be the guy who lives from pay check to pay check. College is to fast pace for me anyway. You fail once, you fail the rest of the way. I just did the bare minimum and that was enough. The average, the subpar, the C list outcast. I will never be a leader or a somebody. The two things I must come to terms with is one: I am lazy, I just do the work so I get things done. Two: I am a coward who is to scared of failure to do anything.

I don't want to kill myself anymore more, I am just th tired of doing things that I hate and try to do something I can never do. I can't do anything right. I just want in her piece and be loser in peace.

Joshua1 said:

You are not worthless. Put a price on your life and how much someone can buy you for. We are priceless. You have the power to change your life and make it better. Its not easy but its completely doable. You must believe in yourself. Faith is not just about God, its also about you. Its a system that encourages belief of ones self.

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Its kind of hard to believe in one slef ifbthe self keep failing every single time he tries. I'm tired of the cycle. I'm tired of trying and failing over and over again. I'm always at last place and I avoid certain activities in fear of loosing and I take ever loss hard and just give up and move on to the next problem. That's my problem, I never give myself a chance or others. I feel like a failure everyday and I am on borrowed time. I became a very spiteful person and became VERY unpopular and annoying.

I stopped pray and believing in everything entirely. All I know is the things I like makes me happy. And some day the party and pleasure will end and all that will be left is a dreamless sleep.

I'm about to do my first therapy session tomarrow, don't know what to expect, does anybody have advice on what to expect. I'm scared and strangely enough I'm ******* scared. I'm afraid they think I'm a monster or somthing. I'm gonna be completely honest and its gonna hurt physically and emotionally. I hate doing things that cause me pain .But if I don't do this I will never change or grow. I want to be a better son, a better brother, student, person, lover, and not be a pessimistic bitter asshole. I want to go to sleep at peace and live with purpose.