Can’t cope with living anymore

I have a relatively good life. Got good pare ts, have a decent life. I like to travel and ride bikes, eat food alot, play video games, watch YouTube, watch movies. I don't ask for much and I try to live completely peaceful as possible. But sometimes more often then not I think, even dream of killing myself. I go to sleep angry and scared and hope I don't wake up.
I am in my early twenties and I am scared of everything. Most importantly failure so I don't try much and I don't defended myself. I been called all sorts of name and have betrayed and been betrayed do to my own mistrust and disgust of others. Ever since collage started I can't realy have the drive and determination to do anything. All I do is cry at night and self loath for everything that I am not. I have generalized anxiety disorder( or so that's what they tell me.). I'm also reminisce to all the dlbad things that happen to me and more times than not dream of hurting my self and more terrifying others.

I am at the point that I should have my life together but all I can think of is giving up and ending all so I don't have to go through all this trouble. I feel like I can't connect with anyone and hell I almost thought of cutting my self today. I always think I am so useless and I even stopped pray now a days. I haven't done anything yet becuase it might hurt everyone else even more and I always think that I am better off dead anyways. Maybe all my hobbies and drinking excessively at special times numbs the pain and makes me forget. I smile everyday but I feel miserable inside becuase I can't got no purpose, and I am fine not believing in anything.

bsf710 said:

I don’t know whether this is the right place to talk about this but it’s all anxiety related.
I’m finding it so difficult to manage my anxiety, I don’t feel like I can anymore.

I’ve already had CBT for my illness phobia/OCD which I thought worked but everything I learned there is useless at this point. I know it’s a huge jump to conclusion but I feel certain I have some kind of brain disease, I have so much that aligns with it, and I’m so scared of getting tested for them to confirm it, or just continue suffering. I’ve just accepted my fate at this point.

It’s really depressing and I don’t want to go on anymore, but the thought of leaving family behind pains me so much. I don’t know where else to turn, I have no one to talk to, I can’t see my drs right now.
I can barely eat, sleep or function, I constantly have intrusive thoughts about dying in front of my family so I just stay away from them.

Again I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to talk about this here but I had no idea where else, it’s all just too much now. I just needed to vent before I do anything extreme.

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I know the crazy feeling is and talking to some one quickly is the best thing even though sometimes they don't want to listen. I may be some loser but I know the pain and I just distracted my self from the feeling at times. But hey I am a Gemini and I am happy and sad all the time. I think the best place is with your family and the best place to hide is insanity all at the same time. I call my self insane and don't feel to ashamed about it. I know it's hard to talk to people especially what been going on.

I may have suicidal thoughts but I am a stubborn bastard. Foolish, young, and dumb at the same time. Everytime I try to act on those feeling something stops with a ton of force to it. Maybe it's my inner self telling to stop. Maybe be it's an angel or deamon that is holding my hands down trying to tell me, " I ain't done with you yet". Or maybe just maybe, I want to fight through the pain one more day. Also side note eating helps me forget even tho I'm relatively skinny.

You don't have to take my advice if you don't want to. Your a free person it's your right to act on what you feel. I love my family even tho I feel emotionally tired if everything and I don't even care about my self at times. But Like I say I'm crazy and that's who I am. And sometimes you have to accept your inner demon and make him apart of you. I hate the world and everyone in it, but my hope is someday I will find my purpose and Finally be happy. And sleep without pain or worry. Even tho I still want to kill my self from time to time.

So doing what eve it takes to fight the feeling is important but bottling it in with all the anger and fear just turn you into something your not. What do you like to do, focus on that. Who do you love/like, tell he/ she. Got **** faced drunk but still made it home and still got your belongings and did not break any laws. I call that a win( joke but still). Focus on what you want to be and do positively, bit hey I'm just an insane person trying to be normal, just wanted to help as best I could.
Not today one more day at a time.

hy..so sad to hear indeed anxiety is a very tough disorder to cope with but such conclusions need to turn them into a weapon against anxiety let anxiety do the extreme not yourself jst tell the anxiety to do it if it can and wait if it can.

List your medications OP

I've known people who can't get over some phobias so they just learn to live with them. I gave up on the idea of ever getting married years ago. I'm sure I will always live alone. I've learned to deal with it.

bsf710 said:

I know it’s a huge jump to conclusion but I feel certain I have some kind of brain disease, I have so much that aligns with it, and I’m so scared of getting tested for them to confirm it, or just continue suffering. I’ve just accepted my fate at this point.

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First, please call a suicide prevention hotline if you feel like you're at risk of harming yourself.

You said you're certain about something that you acknowledge is a conclusion you've jumped to. Only a medical professional can confirm whether you have a brain disease, so for now there's no certainty. You're jumping to a conclusion. Even if you do have a brain disease, it would probably be treatable. But don't even go down that route yet. You might not even need to see a psychiatrist. Your family doctor could probably quickly determine whether you're barking up the right tree.

bsf710 said:

I’ve already had CBT for my illness phobia/OCD which I thought worked but everything I learned there is useless at this point. I know it’s a huge jump to conclusion but I feel certain I have some kind of brain disease, I have so much that aligns with it, and I’m so scared of getting tested for them to confirm it, or just continue suffering. I’ve just accepted my fate at this point.

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Do not accept your "fate" you can turn things around. Do think about dying but think about what you could do to change things. When you have anxious attacks, work on your breathing exercises.