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Anxieties about partner (gaslighting)

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purupura

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Hello everyone, I hope you're all well and I hope it's okay for me to ask about some relationship advice on here.

I know this is long but I would appreciate any opinions.
(Ps. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and health anxiety )

I'm a 23yo female and I've been with a guy (23) for 2 years, this is my first relationship, we met at uni and I really do love him, we've had some ups and downs but over all he's really good to me and he's sweet and loving and never says a mean word to me, he encourages me to grow and reflect and is supportive especially about my mental health issues.

But I have been having major anxieties about him lately, I feel very Paranoid about the little things he does or says or if he does something a little contradictory and question if he's lying to me and putting up a different personality up front despite being manipulative and abusive somehow ??? I know this makes me sound a little crazy considering I just described him to be the complete opposite.
A little context, there has been one or two times in the two years where he felt uncomfortable with me hanging out with guy friends, he said it makes him uncomfortable and we fought about it coz I felt he was trying to control who I'm friends with, we then made up and it didn't come up again, ever since then I started to wonder if he secretly wants to control me. Sometimes I would hear stories of ppl who were victims of physical or emotional abuse, victims of psychopaths...etc and freak out about that happening to me.

The most recent thing that happened was : I was on the phone with him before bed and he had said he was in bed about to sleep, but I thought I could hear the sound of a computer mouse clicking and the keyboard, I asked him if he's on his computer and he said no, then after a bit I heard it again and asked him again, he got a bit annoyed and said that he feels that I always accuse him of lying and I don't trust him , which is true because I have been bringing up issues and confronting him more often lately (due to my anxieties ) . Anyways he denied it again but I keep thinking I'm sure I heard it and why would he lie about something like that?? To slowly make me feel like I'm losing my mind or hearing things?? Therefore gaslight me and controlling me??? I cried so much after because I'm starting to feel I'm going crazy, and that if it's all in my head and that I must be putting him through a very hard time.

I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I wanna speak to a professional coz every week there's a new issue I'm worried about but therapy costs so much. I feel like I don't know how to trust myself or him and somethimes I feel I want to end the relationship to feel safe but I'm worried I'll regret it because what if I lose a great person??? I've brought up this with him and he reassured me but it only helps ease the worries momentarily.

My question is : is it possible for someone to be manipulative or have bad intentions but be able to mask it really well?? Like I worry that when we get married that's when he will show his true self because then we would be living together and he could do whatever he wants??

Again I'm sorry about the lengthy post.
Thank you if anyone has read this
 
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purupura

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Update : so it's 4 hours after call, it's 3am and my partner has messaged me apologising and saying that he had lied and that I wasn't imagening the sounds and that he was on his computer, I felt so sad because I was really questioning things and myself, he said that he felt that I always question him about small details and he felt under pressure so he thought it was an innocent white lie, and when I said I felt crazy for imagining it he told me I wasn't crazy at the time, but still didn't come clean then but I stead a few hours later coz he couldn't sleep because he felt guilty??

I feel like I can recognise that his behaviour was bad and that the lie was small and maybe it unintentionally hit a sensitive nerve (worries about being manipulated) and I feel I can see that he felt guilty and apologised sincerely. Would a real manipulative person apologize and acknowledge his mistakes like this?? Am I being too harsh and picking on too many details ??
 
Cuchculan

Cuchculan

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You heard him on the computer. Simple as that. No doubt he was both on the phone to you and on the computer. Maybe wanted you to feel that he was only talking to you. Which was what you would have wanted. Not to know he only half listening to you. Doing something on the computer at the same time. He might have known it would have annoyed you. So said he wasn't on the computer. Just to keep you happy. It worked the other way because you heard what you heard. Just tell him to be more honest in the future so it doesn't cause any more problems.
 
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purupura

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Cuchculan said:
You heard him on the computer. Simple as that. No doubt he was both on the phone to you and on the computer. Maybe wanted you to feel that he was only talking to you. Which was what you would have wanted. Not to know he only half listening to you. Doing something on the computer at the same time. He might have known it would have annoyed you. So said he wasn't on the computer. Just to keep you happy. It worked the other way because you heard what you heard. Just tell him to be more honest in the future so it doesn't cause any more problems.
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thank you :)
 
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Joshua1

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purupura said:
My question is : is it possible for someone to be manipulative or have bad intentions but be able to mask it really well?? Like I worry that when we get married that's when he will show his true self because then we would be living together and he could do whatever he wants??
Click to expand...
It is possible to mask intentions, but usually when intentions are negative, they are easily read. There are things to consider, there are subtleties that he will do if he has bad intentions. There are actions he will take, for example if hes cheating on you, there are signs for that, like not showing yo his phone, not wanting sex. Etc. Whatever is going on, work on it, and speak up, a relationship is give and take.
 
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purupura

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Joshua1 said:
It is possible to mask intentions, but usually when intentions are negative, they are easily read. There are things to consider, there are subtleties that he will do if he has bad intentions. There are actions he will take, for example if hes cheating on you, there are signs for that, like not showing yo his phone, not wanting sex. Etc. Whatever is going on, work on it, and speak up, a relationship is give and take.
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thank you for the reply :)
 
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Strawberry Banana Sundae

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purupura said:
Hello everyone, I hope you're all well and I hope it's okay for me to ask about some relationship advice on here.

I know this is long but I would appreciate any opinions.
(Ps. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, OCD and health anxiety )

I'm a 23yo female and I've been with a guy (23) for 2 years, this is my first relationship, we met at uni and I really do love him, we've had some ups and downs but over all he's really good to me and he's sweet and loving and never says a mean word to me, he encourages me to grow and reflect and is supportive especially about my mental health issues.

But I have been having major anxieties about him lately, I feel very Paranoid about the little things he does or says or if he does something a little contradictory and question if he's lying to me and putting up a different personality up front despite being manipulative and abusive somehow ??? I know this makes me sound a little crazy considering I just described him to be the complete opposite.
A little context, there has been one or two times in the two years where he felt uncomfortable with me hanging out with guy friends, he said it makes him uncomfortable and we fought about it coz I felt he was trying to control who I'm friends with, we then made up and it didn't come up again, ever since then I started to wonder if he secretly wants to control me. Sometimes I would hear stories of ppl who were victims of physical or emotional abuse, victims of psychopaths...etc and freak out about that happening to me.

The most recent thing that happened was : I was on the phone with him before bed and he had said he was in bed about to sleep, but I thought I could hear the sound of a computer mouse clicking and the keyboard, I asked him if he's on his computer and he said no, then after a bit I heard it again and asked him again, he got a bit annoyed and said that he feels that I always accuse him of lying and I don't trust him , which is true because I have been bringing up issues and confronting him more often lately (due to my anxieties ) . Anyways he denied it again but I keep thinking I'm sure I heard it and why would he lie about something like that?? To slowly make me feel like I'm losing my mind or hearing things?? Therefore gaslight me and controlling me??? I cried so much after because I'm starting to feel I'm going crazy, and that if it's all in my head and that I must be putting him through a very hard time.

I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I wanna speak to a professional coz every week there's a new issue I'm worried about but therapy costs so much. I feel like I don't know how to trust myself or him and somethimes I feel I want to end the relationship to feel safe but I'm worried I'll regret it because what if I lose a great person??? I've brought up this with him and he reassured me but it only helps ease the worries momentarily.

My question is : is it possible for someone to be manipulative or have bad intentions but be able to mask it really well?? Like I worry that when we get married that's when he will show his true self because then we would be living together and he could do whatever he wants??

Again I'm sorry about the lengthy post.
Thank you if anyone has read this
Click to expand...
My best bet is to go with your gut. Examine as much as you can about him and what he’s doing. Pay attention to his surroundings. Your anxiety may be telling you concerning his behavior. Think of Prince Hans from Frozen for example. He might be putting up a facade to fool you. But don’t quickly jump to conclusions or call him out on his bluff unless you have enough evidence that he’s betraying you.

I personally am not into romantic relationships, although I’ve faced this type of gaslighting before from my parents. More often than not, when there was something I wanted from them, they make me do favors for them. And even if I do their favors, they’ll just go right back to complaining about everything. Like for example, when dad asked me to carry the groceries home for him, he complains over how I don’t leave my outdoor light on, even though I told him the kitchen light is enough, and then complains on how I don’t wash the jugs. Don’t matter if I reason with him, he’ll reply “it’s YOUR milk, you do it” as if I’m responsible for what he’s supposed to do. Mom’s no better either, as she’ll defend him saying “but he does everything for you. Don’t you ever feel sorry for mommy and daddy for having to put up with you? Cause we don’t really feel sorry for you having to put up with us”. First off, no. It’s mainly them straining their stresses on me, and second, why should I feel sorry for them? They pretty much deserve it.

But enough about me. The best advice I can give you is to take good care of yourself and stay safe. And I hope you can find a better relationship someday. You’re welcome.
 
M

MATD

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I think you answered your own question. If you are constantly questioning him and his motives, I am sure it is getting on his nerves. Thus the white lie. He may be getting tired of being questioned about every little thing. Your anxiety is pushing you to do this. It is hard enough to maintain a relationship under normal circumstances, the anxiety issue makes it even harder. You do need to get pro help, do you want to live your life this way? Or do you want a better way of living. Help is available. But you have to seek it and be willing to work on yourself. As to the boyfriend being an abuser, I think you would have seen real signs by this time. Abusers are often good at disguising their inner self, but after two years, I think the disguise would have slipped a good bit by now.
 
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