I've been having health problems that involve pain every month, most recently to the point of tears, if not some level of pain every day. I'm trying to see doctors about it and am looking forward to much anxiety caused by having to see different people in different places for different tests, not to mention the borderline terror of what may be my very first pelvic exam. When I was first confronted with that possibility I thought, and still kinda do, that no matter what the reason for it I'd be left with a feeling of rape, because I do NOT want a stranger feeling around inside my privates!
Now I might have depression to top it off because Dad likes to tell me that it's my fault. It's my fault I'm in pain, it's my fault I didn't exercise, it's my fault I didn't listen to him, it's my fault I didn't listen to the doctor (who didn't tell me anything except who to go see), it's my fault I'm not taking care of myself despite being at a certain age, it's my fault that my current efforts are too little, never enough, perhaps even pathetic and not sincere, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. Whether it is or not, I'm starting to feel horribly guilty and sad. It's my fault that I'm hurting every day and not standing up to him. Before he gave me his latest 'it's your fault' mini-speech, I was ready to get a good sleep and was slightly less pre-traumatized about the possibility of a pelvic exam. Now I don't want to sleep (partly because I wouldn't be able to stop the flood of even more bad thoughts), I'm freshly terrified of my next appointment, and my anxiety over visiting new places for every little test has been refreshed as well. Self-hatred is starting to creep up a bit too.
I wish I was the type to cry easily because right now I feel that tears are the only thing that would bring some relief.
Now I might have depression to top it off because Dad likes to tell me that it's my fault. It's my fault I'm in pain, it's my fault I didn't exercise, it's my fault I didn't listen to him, it's my fault I didn't listen to the doctor (who didn't tell me anything except who to go see), it's my fault I'm not taking care of myself despite being at a certain age, it's my fault that my current efforts are too little, never enough, perhaps even pathetic and not sincere, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. Whether it is or not, I'm starting to feel horribly guilty and sad. It's my fault that I'm hurting every day and not standing up to him. Before he gave me his latest 'it's your fault' mini-speech, I was ready to get a good sleep and was slightly less pre-traumatized about the possibility of a pelvic exam. Now I don't want to sleep (partly because I wouldn't be able to stop the flood of even more bad thoughts), I'm freshly terrified of my next appointment, and my anxiety over visiting new places for every little test has been refreshed as well. Self-hatred is starting to creep up a bit too.
I wish I was the type to cry easily because right now I feel that tears are the only thing that would bring some relief.
