Feeling Stuck

I’ve been feeling like nothing will ever get better lately. I feel like I don’t have the strength anymore to move forward. I had such high hopes for my life and I feel like I’m pissing my potential away just like my parents are constantly telling me. I don’t feel like I’m good enough as I am and I’m not confident enough in myself to do better. I feel like there must be something fundamentally wrong with me that’s keeping me from being a better person. I hate myself and it’s all my fault, I’ve had so many opportunities to change and be better, put in more applications, try harder, socialize more. Yet I’m still working the same crappy job, still making barely enough to afford the gas to get to school, and feeling more alone than I ever have. And you wanna know why? Because I’m too depressed and unsure of myself to put in any effort towards the things that matter to me. I feel like less of a man because of it.

My therapist says maybe getting on some medication might help, but I heard that it can take years to find the right medication that doesn’t make your symptoms worse, or barely do anything at all, or make you sick from the side effects. I’m scared to go through all of that honestly. I have at most 3 years to figure myself out before my parents retire and move away. I’m not sure if I have the time to find the medication that’s gonna get me off my a** and grow up. I want to do something more with my life, I want to be independent and have a family some day, but it’s so hard when it feels like nothing matters, when even the things I used to enjoy don’t even make me happy anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I really have anxiety or if I’m just lazy and worthless.

Every time I think about the future I just end up seeing myself living with my parents when I should have a house and a family and putting a gun in my mouth just so I can do something right for once and at least stop being a burden. I’m almost 21 years old and I have a job that mostly retired folks and high schoolers take because the schedule is flexible and they don’t need much money to get by. I still live with my parents and everyday my dad is more and more disappointed in me. And sometimes I just want it all to stop. I feel like I have a million different options in front of me and I’m too scared to choose any of them. I want to get better, but I’m afraid to ask for help because I don’t even know how. I don’t want people to worry about me or think that I’m weak or making excuses for myself.

I just don’t know what to do. I used the last of my willpower to find a therapist and continue going. I don’t have any left to take anymore steps. I’m ashamed of who I am and how far I’ve fallen from what my parents wanted for me. Sometimes I even wonder if it’d be easier on them for me to just kill myself now and save them the heartache of me becoming more and more of a failure. Maybe it’d be better for them to remember me as I am now than hate me for I am down the road. The only thing keeping me from it is how little I accomplished ironically. I wanted to leave a legacy before I died, I wanted to at least know what it was like to start a family, get married, raise a kid, but the closest thing I’ve had to that was planning all that with a woman that no longer wants or cares about me. I want to accomplish all the things I dreamed about, but if this is as good as it gets for me and it’s all down hill from here I’m not sure if I want to live anymore.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I used to work hard for the things I wanted in life. I once spent a whole summer mowing lawns just so I could buy an iPad when I was like 13. I used to have nervous breakdowns whenever I’d have a C on my report card. I was the one kid in class that cried because he got an award for 3.9 GPA instead of a 4.0, but now it’s like nothing matters to me anymore. The old me would be running around all over town trying to find a full time job, and now I have to force myself to put in one application every once in a while and I haven’t even done that in weeks. The fact that I used to be so motivated and driven tells me that something is wrong with me and it isn’t just my personality or something ingrained in me I can’t escape, but part of me wonders if I’m even worth helping. Why should my parents or anyone else care how much I’m hurting? Most of this was brought on by me being lazy and stupid. Maybe if I die at least there’s a chance people will forget how disappointing I am.

I’m sorry this is so long by my mind’s racing right now and thoughts are coming into my head faster than I can type and I feel cold and numb and scared and I think I’m having a nervous breakdown or something I don’t know. I just hate my life and I don’t know if I can make it better or if it’s even worth fixing.

I just want to say I’m not drunk this time. These thoughts are coming to me without any alcohol. I figured I should clarify that considering my last post. I’m safe right now I’m just having a minor panic attack and I’m not feeling myself. I’m really sorry, but I didn’t know where else to go for advice.


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Zoeb23 said:

Hi.
I can really relate with what you've said.
I'm in my second year of college currently, and I graduate in about a years' time. I really don't know what the hell I'm gonna do when that time comes because i really cannot picture myself having a job. I'll either most likely end up jobless or I'll be forced to take a low paying job that I hate. Why do i feel this way? Well not only do i not really have the drive to get some work experience, I also suffer really bad social anxiety. I can barely speak in front of people so honestly, I'm pretty much already screwed in terms of landing a career. I also live in fear that I'm gonna disappoint my parents and be living with them till i die probably.

I also think I'll most likely never get married or have kids. I can barely maintain a friendship, so what makes me think i even have a chance of finding love? That person will most likely get sick of me eventually - like most people do - and I'll be alone. It doesn't help that my grandpa passed recently and i loved that man. Idk how I'm going to live the rest of my life without him and its lead me to even question what the point of life is. I just...idk.

I don't know how to break these thought processes. But honestly, I've considered maybe its mostly in my head and when the time rolls around, i might be pleasantly surprised. I know its very very cliche to say think positively, but honestly it helps. I also pray a lot too, i have no clue whether you're religious or not but it provides me comfort. Also I'd suggest you open up to people about your feelings. Don't pretend to be okay when you're not. Your parents love you, and I'm sure they'll understand.
I think medication can help you. My mother suffered from depression really badly and the pills did help her - shes fully functioning now and finding it better to cope with the stress of everyday life, so yes maybe thats something you should consider.

But pls, pls stop beating yourself up. I know life can be really crappy and its not easy and its hard to have hope, but it gets better. I promise. And you're not alone. There are people that feel and are going through the exact same thing as us. I also feel we were all put on this planet for a reason. Maybe we just haven't discovered that reason yet. But pls, focus on the now and focus on yourself. Your mental health comes first and once you get in a right frame of mind, everything else will fall into place.

Remember, what is meant for us will gravitate toward us no matter what xo.

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Just about everything you’ve said sounds like me. And to answer your question yes I’m a Christian and I pray every night. Sometimes I wonder if anyone’s even listening, because I keep praying and I keep feeling worse and worse, but it’s nice to have hope in something every night, to ask for peace and think maybe just maybe you’ll get it for once. To be honest I think just about the only difference between you and I is that I lost a girlfriend and you lost a grandfather. I genuinely hope you’re right about us being meant for something more. It’s nice at least knowing I’m not the only person feeling like this. I spent today keeping to myself mostly. After feeling how I did last night I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and yet in biology class someone went out of their way to talk to me just to ask a question about the lab. They had people in front of them they could’ve asked but this person turned their chair around to ask me specifically about it and we even joked around a bit. I haven’t had someone go out of their way to talk to me in so long I forgot how nice it feels to talk with a kind stranger. Maybe things will get better, I hope they get better


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