Don’t Want to Keep Living This Life I’m Living

I don’t want this to be a sob story of any kind, but at this point, I just need to vent and get this off my chest.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I become incontinent twice during the night last night, which is the seventh straight night I’ve become incontinent at some point.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I dread going to sleep knowing that I’m just going to become incontinent again and have to do the same routine over and over.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I fear the possibility of not being able to sleep because I’m considering the possibility of getting up every few hours just to empty my bladder.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I have to keep changing my bed sheets because my guard doesn’t hold all of the incontinence, which is an added stressor and continued hassle.

I don’t want to keep living this life where my bladder is retaining urine and not giving me clear signals all the time of when I need to go to the restroom and when I have fully emptied my bladder.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I fear the possibilities of what could come from this retention/incontinence. My physician’s assistant mentioned the possibilities of a Foley catheter, which would drastically change my lifestyle.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I’m dreading the results of a simple ultrasound.

I don’t want to keep living this life with a mother who’s frustrated constantly. For starters, I tell her I ran out of cleansing wipes I use for my body that I didn’t know were going to run out, and she raises her voice. I’m putting added stress on her that she didn’t deserve.

I don’t want to keep living this life where I have irrational fears that want to make me anxious, so I obsessively look at forums for 40 minutes just to reassure myself about them. (Not saying these forums are bad, I love them)

I don’t want to keep living this life where I can’t even look at the positives that have been happening and smile at them. I’ve actually started driving for the first time since this anxiety started. My actual anxious feelings, panic attacks and physical symptoms of anxiety have not happened for a full month now. But I can’t even be excited about that....

When will there be answers? If there are answers, it seems like I’ve been waiting an eternity for them.

When will there be change? When will my life go back to the way it was before all this started?

I don’t want to keep living this life I’m living right now....

Just to clear up some confusion from another forum.....
I don't want to make it seem like I'm suicidal, my apologies if that is how it was perceived. I perhaps should've worded it differently.
I have talked with my parents and expressed my distress as well, and they comforted me, and I am doing good now. I just feel like my anxiety and thoughts in the morning are worse because I just continue to get frustrated with the incontinence and it continuing to happen.
When I say I don't want to keep living my life like this, I just want things to change for the better, which is taking some time, and I'm really impatient right now about that. I just want to stop the cycle of this happening. That's all. I perhaps was being too dramatic.
I'm currently in therapy and had a session yesterday, where we are continuing to work on my problems.
Again, thank you for you concern

Cuchculan said:

When I was in hospital in May, as I could not move from my bed, they made me wear adult diapers. I hated it. Big time. But I saw their point. I wasn't the only one made wear them either. There was always the chance we would want to go badly and the nurse would not make it in time. After a few days I was glad I had one on. Can't always hold it in. Or at times it just happens. With me I simply couldn't move from the bed. So nothing I could do but just lay there. Not sure if you have ever thought about them? Nobody has to know you use them. You mother and father maybe. But other than that it can be one secret kept. Seriously never thought I would see myself needing such things. My first thought was ' Has my life come to this '. But then it was explained about what else could I do as I could not walk to the bathroom. Full of drips and strong drugs been pumped into me. When needs must.

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Man do I feel your pain. The several times that I've been in the hospital after surgeries, they've had to catheter me and then I would have to work my way back into getting control of my bladder again. Those times are not fun whatsoever.
At this point, we are not considering those just because I still have full control during the day and we don't feel it is necessary just yet. But of course, it's been a thought that's popped into my mind.

triceps said:

Hi adamden. Sounds like you're experiencing a bit of a pity party. Everyone over 60, like myself have to deal with many of your symptoms every single day. On top of it, we know as we age that it's only going to get worse. I am thankful that I'm still able to clean up after myself, as should you.

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Pity party indeed. LOL. I'm very thankful that I am able to clean up after myself at this point, and I just hope that this doesn't continue to get worse. That's exactly why we are addressing it now.

Prayers have been answered. Double time. I feel blessed right now.
Just a few moments ago, I just got a call back on my ultrasound that they did yesterday, and everything came back normal. Nothing physically going on in my bladder.
They don't see any reason to take action and they will close the file unless I feel the need for a follow-up appointment. HALLELUJAH!
After that, I received a call back from the neurology department at the clinic in Tennessee that I go to.
In case I forgot to mention it here in this forum, also during this anxiety battle, I have noticed some changes in my leg function, including less weight bearing that I am able to put down in my legs. They were concerned something was changing, so they did bloodwork to make sure there wasn't anything concerning going on.
Anyways, they called back and said all the bloodwork came back normal on that and that they don't have a full understanding yet of what could cause that, just may be my body changing. But again, great satisfying news.
Thank you all for dealing with my BS today. Everything has gotten much better.