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(trigger warning) Depressed Thoughts

Kelculator

Kelculator

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I can't do this anymore. I know I have to, and I wouldn't be selfish enough to end this life and leave burden and sorrow to my parents. But I'm so, so tired. Anxiety makes my routine unpredictable, some days I'm healthy enough to accomplish basic stuff, some days I feel like garbage and can't move a muscle. I have a huge test to attend to in 3 months. It determines whether I can go to college. And I'm so unprepared and anxious, and hopeless.
My mom asked me why I'm still like this after everything people have made easy for me. I have a psychiatrist to go to, my school understands my situation and make special arrangements at certain times, and I have friends. And I do feel guilty for that. People tried to fix me, but I have never fully stopped feeling this way. I feel like I was born with anxiety, and will die with anxiety. No one can help me and I feel like I am wasting their time and hope.
I can never contribute back to the society, or just pay back to things people have done for me. I feel so useless, and scared. I want to stop being like this. Since I'm feeling down, I kept telling myself I don't really matter. My friends will get better friends, and my entire school or just my entire social group, won't care if I died. I keep finding evidence to support this statement, and just keep telling myself "they don't care they don't care". It must be really tiring to deal with me. I feel like an outsider. All I want is to feel normal and loved and motivated and strong, like how I am supposed to feel.
Even when I'm typing this, my brain is convincing me that people on this forum don't care.
I'm sorry you had to read this.
 
T

triceps

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Kelculator said:
I can't do this anymore. I know I have to, and I wouldn't be selfish enough to end this life and leave burden and sorrow to my parents. But I'm so, so tired. Anxiety makes my routine unpredictable, some days I'm healthy enough to accomplish basic stuff, some days I feel like garbage and can't move a muscle. I have a huge test to attend to in 3 months. It determines whether I can go to college. And I'm so unprepared and anxious, and hopeless.
My mom asked me why I'm still like this after everything people have made easy for me. I have a psychiatrist to go to, my school understands my situation and make special arrangements at certain times, and I have friends. And I do feel guilty for that. People tried to fix me, but I have never fully stopped feeling this way. I feel like I was born with anxiety, and will die with anxiety. No one can help me and I feel like I am wasting their time and hope.
I can never contribute back to the society, or just pay back to things people have done for me. I feel so useless, and scared. I want to stop being like this. Since I'm feeling down, I kept telling myself I don't really matter. My friends will get better friends, and my entire school or just my entire social group, won't care if I died. I keep finding evidence to support this statement, and just keep telling myself "they don't care they don't care". It must be really tiring to deal with me. I feel like an outsider. All I want is to feel normal and loved and motivated and strong, like how I am supposed to feel.
Even when I'm typing this, my brain is convincing me that people on this forum don't care.
I'm sorry you had to read this.
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Hi Kelculator. No need for me to express how difficult it is to go through high school with anxiety. As alienated as you feel right now, you've taken some good steps in letting your school know and seeing a psychiatrist. I didn't know I had anxiety in high school, just thought I was going crazy. It ruined my self esteem, never spoke to my parents about it or even my friends as I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me.
There are other kids in your school who need special accommodations for their ailments. They don't feel guilty about it and nor should you feel guilty on any level over your disease. As far as your high school friends, I have pounded into my kids that you'll only have a couple "true friends" in your lifetime and many of the ones you value now will be going their own way after high school or college. So don't sweat the friends thing. Your true friends will rise to the top and the others shouldn't be contributing to your low self-esteem unless you let them.
I can tell by the the quality of your posts that you'll do well enough on your ACT or SAT test to qualify for college. Honestly college is overrated in my opinion. I ended up with a bachelor's degree in Earth Science which by itself never got me a job. Interviewing skills get the job along with a nicely prepared resume. You have plenty to contribute to society when you find a compatible niche that fits with your anxiety limitations.
Our brains are amazing. Can you imagine what gyrations your brain must go thru to convince you that a forum full of anxiety sufferers don't care?
 
T

triceps

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Hi Kelculator. I forgot to put my two cents in about your mother. Unless she has anxiety or depression, she just can not fully understand what you're going through. Cut her some slack if you can, I'm sure she thinks she's doing things in your best interest.
 
Kelculator

Kelculator

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triceps said:
Hi Kelculator. No need for me to express how difficult it is to go through high school with anxiety. As alienated as you feel right now, you've taken some good steps in letting your school know and seeing a psychiatrist. I didn't know I had anxiety in high school, just thought I was going crazy. It ruined my self esteem, never spoke to my parents about it or even my friends as I just couldn't understand what was wrong with me.
There are other kids in your school who need special accommodations for their ailments. They don't feel guilty about it and nor should you feel guilty on any level over your disease. As far as your high school friends, I have pounded into my kids that you'll only have a couple "true friends" in your lifetime and many of the ones you value now will be going their own way after high school or college. So don't sweat the friends thing. Your true friends will rise to the top and the others shouldn't be contributing to your low self-esteem unless you let them.
I can tell by the the quality of your posts that you'll do well enough on your ACT or SAT test to qualify for college. Honestly college is overrated in my opinion. I ended up with a bachelor's degree in Earth Science which by itself never got me a job. Interviewing skills get the job along with a nicely prepared resume. You have plenty to contribute to society when you find a compatible niche that fits with your anxiety limitations.
Our brains are amazing. Can you imagine what gyrations your brain must go thru to convince you that a forum full of anxiety sufferers don't care?
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Thank you so much for your reply. I can tell you really care and understand. This might come across as cocky but your statement on me being potentially good on the SAT and ACT tests (although this is not the system we use, weird eh, oof), because to a large degree I taught myself english, as it is not my native language. I live in east asia, but ya know, power of the internet, so I have been able to learn English well throughout the years. Thank you so much once again.
 
T

triceps

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Kelculator said:
Thank you so much for your reply. I can tell you really care and understand. This might come across as cocky but your statement on me being potentially good on the SAT and ACT tests (although this is not the system we use, weird eh, oof), because to a large degree I taught myself english, as it is not my native language. I live in east asia, but ya know, power of the internet, so I have been able to learn English well throughout the years. Thank you so much once again.
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Well, maybe english is my second language. I'm sure I've been accused of that in the past. Hopefully some of my suggestions and statements are universal, as anxiety is anxiety, no matter what language those negative thoughts are in.
 
Kelculator

Kelculator

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triceps said:
Well, maybe english is my second language. I'm sure I've been accused of that in the past. Hopefully some of my suggestions and statements are universal, as anxiety is anxiety, no matter what language those negative thoughts are in.
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Oh noOoo I meant it as in "I don't mean to sound cocky but it means a lot of me since I pretty much taught myself" but I think I lost myself mid-sentence or something. I'm sorry if I came across as mean. Your reply is perfectly fine and helpful.
 
T

triceps

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Kelculator said:
Oh noOoo I meant it as in "I don't mean to sound cocky but it means a lot of me since I pretty much taught myself" but I think I lost myself mid-sentence or something. I'm sorry if I came across as mean. Your reply is perfectly fine and helpful.
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I truly didn't take your response as mean or cocky, I was tremendously impressed by it. You've got so much potential if you're able to not let your depression/anxiety drag you down. I only wish the very best for you.
 
Daniel rodriguez

Daniel rodriguez

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triceps said:
I truly didn't take your response as mean or cocky, I was tremendously impressed by it. You've got so much potential if you're able to not let your depression/anxiety drag you down. I only wish the very best for you.
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H

Hurt&Hopeful

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Hey there @Kelculator - so sorry you're going through this. And congratulations on excellent English as a second language skills! I can tell you're a hard worker and very smart - unfortunately being smart and analytical (driven to succeed) and anxiety sometimes go hand in hand. It's so hard in the teen years - all the stress and the tests and the performance that is expected of you. It may not mean much coming from a complete stranger, but it will all be in the distant past someday. You are good enough just as you are. I have no doubt you'll get into college, but in the long-term your health is more important.

I'm really proud and impressed that you reached out here so honestly. Please don't stop - people care, and it WILL get better.
 
Kelculator

Kelculator

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Hurt&Hopeful said:
Hey there @Kelculator - so sorry you're going through this. And congratulations on excellent English as a second language skills! I can tell you're a hard worker and very smart - unfortunately being smart and analytical (driven to succeed) and anxiety sometimes go hand in hand. It's so hard in the teen years - all the stress and the tests and the performance that is expected of you. It may not mean much coming from a complete stranger, but it will all be in the distant past someday. You are good enough just as you are. I have no doubt you'll get into college, but in the long-term your health is more important.

I'm really proud and impressed that you reached out here so honestly. Please don't stop - people care, and it WILL get better.
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Thank you so much. I know it's such a cliche to say this, but I really needed this today. I'm crying as I'm reading. (Perhaps in a good way)
 
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