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My life is a joke

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ForeverAlone

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Hi this is my first post here and well...the first time I have spoken to anyone online or offline about my problems.

I feel like my life is some sort of sick joke which never ends.

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember now. In fact I can't even remember the last time I was happy. I am almost 21, have never had a job, car, girlfriend, am a virgin, never even kissed a girl. I rely on money from my parents to just get by even though i realize I should have been supporting myself a long time ago.

Its near impossible for me to get a job...because of my age and the fact that I have no experience on my resume and because I have no job = no money = no car or nice clothes = no chance in hell of even thinking about getting a girlfriend. I'm a really shy person and I think I have social anxiety disorder or something because I always prefer to be alone and not go out. I am slowly losing my friends because I am not making an attempt to put myself in social situations because I am depressed. Every time i meet with them (the last time was a while ago) I always get asked questions like do you have a job yet or girlfriend, got your license etc and it just makes me feel worse to always give the same answers. I cant carry conversations well so I find it hard to meet new people as well and I try to avoid these situations.

I've also realised that no matter how much I work out in the gym I will still look stupid. I have a narrow bone structure (narrow shoulders, extremely long and skinny arms and legs) from bad genetics, its really hard to even put on weight. I'm 6' 1 and only about 155 pounds...also I have acne which just refuses to go away, even though im 20. The only compliments that I have ever got from girls was there I had really nice eyes and another girl told me I "would be extremely hot IF i put on some muscle". Well I have put on some muscle but I still dont feel better about myself and I can NEVER see myself in a relationship because I never open up to people. I've always wanted to have a girlfriend so badly, i yearn for the emotional connection but there must be something wrong with my brain because I'm socially retarded and just can't be myself around anybody except when I'm at home. I always worry about what other people are thinking of me when im out in the public, its gotten so bad that I don't even know what to do with my arms when I walk or sit down. I think everyone is judging me and staring and so everyday tasks which people take for granted (like eating, walking, talking to check out people at the supermarket etc) are hell for me. Every single moment I am outside of the house is horrifyingly painful, awkward and stressful.

I have spent every day in the last 10 years (no exaggeration) thinking about suicide. I'm not religious but I'm finding myself increasingly curious about death and I am almost looking forward to it now. I feel like my life is some sort of sick joke, everything which can go wrong has gone wrong and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing which has stopped me from my doing it over the last 10 years was the pain which it will put on my family, my mother in particular. My biggest regret is that I feel like I have let my parents down. I hate myself for this. I had all the promise in the world and felt like I was destined for big things, someone who could change the world and BE somebody. But now I've let myself down and become a 20 year old nobody with no job and no future. I wish I could have just made them proud of who I was, proud to be their son...but I have failed in every department. Knowing this just destroys me from the inside.
 
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s89ilver

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If you have somebody you can trust, talk to them about your issues. It can be helpful to vent to somebody in person.

Regarding the feeling of being watched all the time, I find that goes away the more time you spend in public.
For example, at the beggining of each semester at uni I always feel the exact way you described for the first week. For me its because I dont make any efforts to leave my house during the breaks, so the sudden change truggers my anxiety. But the more time I spend in public, those feelings of anxiety start to diminish.

I know that can seem daunting at first, but try to leave your house everyday for 15 minutes. Maybe to fill up the gas tank for your parents, or help them with errands. At first, dont feel pressured to make conversation with people. Once you feel more comfortable just existing in public, then move on to dumb small talk about weather, news, etc. Step by step you'll be able to get away from the fears.

In regards to your job search, maybe ask your parents if they have a family friend that can hire you. If not, try volunteering at a pet shelter or a library. Since you dont have work experience, this would be the best way to put a couple things on your resume. The economy is in a good place right now, so there is still a pretty demand for unskilled labor which can help you land your first job.
I suggest going to your county's career center eith people that can help you build a resume.

Furthermore, you should not feel ashamed that you dont have a girlfriend. Everybody has a different situation. Having a significant other does not equal absolute happiness. Human relationships are complex, and boiling it down to something so black and white is silly. As you work to lower your social anxiety, you will find yourself meeting someone special, or finding it easier to approach someone you find interesting. Dont count yourself out, youre still very young.

Finally, if youve seen progress at the gym, dont stop. The best way to build confidence is to do something. You should be proud of the progress you made!! Making gains all natural takes many years, its just a matter of long term committment and good eating!!

If you continue having suicidal thoughts, i urge you to see a medical professional or to call a suicide hotline. You do not have to suffer through it alone. The number is:
800 273 8255 in the US.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk
 
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triceps

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ForeverAlone said:
Hi this is my first post here and well...the first time I have spoken to anyone online or offline about my problems.

I feel like my life is some sort of sick joke which never ends.

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember now. In fact I can't even remember the last time I was happy. I am almost 21, have never had a job, car, girlfriend, am a virgin, never even kissed a girl. I rely on money from my parents to just get by even though i realize I should have been supporting myself a long time ago.

Its near impossible for me to get a job...because of my age and the fact that I have no experience on my resume and because I have no job = no money = no car or nice clothes = no chance in hell of even thinking about getting a girlfriend. I'm a really shy person and I think I have social anxiety disorder or something because I always prefer to be alone and not go out. I am slowly losing my friends because I am not making an attempt to put myself in social situations because I am depressed. Every time i meet with them (the last time was a while ago) I always get asked questions like do you have a job yet or girlfriend, got your license etc and it just makes me feel worse to always give the same answers. I cant carry conversations well so I find it hard to meet new people as well and I try to avoid these situations.

I've also realised that no matter how much I work out in the gym I will still look stupid. I have a narrow bone structure (narrow shoulders, extremely long and skinny arms and legs) from bad genetics, its really hard to even put on weight. I'm 6' 1 and only about 155 pounds...also I have acne which just refuses to go away, even though im 20. The only compliments that I have ever got from girls was there I had really nice eyes and another girl told me I "would be extremely hot IF i put on some muscle". Well I have put on some muscle but I still dont feel better about myself and I can NEVER see myself in a relationship because I never open up to people. I've always wanted to have a girlfriend so badly, i yearn for the emotional connection but there must be something wrong with my brain because I'm socially retarded and just can't be myself around anybody except when I'm at home. I always worry about what other people are thinking of me when im out in the public, its gotten so bad that I don't even know what to do with my arms when I walk or sit down. I think everyone is judging me and staring and so everyday tasks which people take for granted (like eating, walking, talking to check out people at the supermarket etc) are hell for me. Every single moment I am outside of the house is horrifyingly painful, awkward and stressful.

I have spent every day in the last 10 years (no exaggeration) thinking about suicide. I'm not religious but I'm finding myself increasingly curious about death and I am almost looking forward to it now. I feel like my life is some sort of sick joke, everything which can go wrong has gone wrong and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing which has stopped me from my doing it over the last 10 years was the pain which it will put on my family, my mother in particular. My biggest regret is that I feel like I have let my parents down. I hate myself for this. I had all the promise in the world and felt like I was destined for big things, someone who could change the world and BE somebody. But now I've let myself down and become a 20 year old nobody with no job and no future. I wish I could have just made them proud of who I was, proud to be their son...but I have failed in every department. Knowing this just destroys me from the inside.
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Heck, you're 20 years old and in your mind it can't get any worse, only better if you can get it together. You've got plenty of time to make your parents proud (which they probably are and at a minimum they love you). Are you up to explaining things to a doctor who can help steer you to counseling and/or a good anti-depressant?
 
A

Aerith

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It all seems impossible and overwhelming right now, but if you truly are trying to get a job all of those things can change too. The questions suck, but avoiding them isn't going to keep you from the responsibility of making those things happen eventually. Do you not have a license? If not, that and a job should be your priority because of the feeling of freedom that will come along with it. Your self esteem will probably improve as you take more responsibility over yourself. You'll have extra money to spend on your wardrobe or other areas you want to improve. I know it doesn't fulfill the social desires you crave, but it gives you something to do and a goal to work toward. Keep yourself busy.
 
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Chris

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Maybe fitness is something you'd really like to get into? Some body types put on muscle more easily than others, but it seems like it's harder for you. It will take careful counting of calories and weight lifting, and especially diet. I think this could be a really good experience for you. It will keep you very busy, working hard, give you a goal, and it's so rewarding when you track your measurements and improvement. :)
 
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JCP

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Wow this post really struck a chord with me. You sound almost exactly like me when I was your age. Minor differences here and there. However, you are having my experience. Sad I am terribly sorry you're going through this. I wish you best of luck.
 
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