Starting new job on Monday. First “real” job in a long time. Just need some support.

Jones said:

How was your first day?

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It’s was a 5/10... not great by horrible. Learning to deal with personalities after being isolated for a while is difficult.

It also feels a bit like high school. Everyone is 28-35 years old, but they sort of have personalities and interact with each other much like highschool.

My problem is how I react to people. I tend to be a chameleon, and laugh when I’m suppose to and morph my personality to fit in. Zero confidence that the true me is worthwhile.

Also, here’s an example of how people are. There’s one guy who when one women coworker went out to smoke, he went in her computer and was going to do something to play a little joke on her. It was my first day so I didn’t say anything, neither did the other 2 people who were there. She came back and caught him. She seemed a little uncomfortable? Since I don’t want anyone touching my stuff without permission, I would understand why that might make her a bit uncomfortable...

Then the type of person she was is to turn to me and say in a joking tone “why didn’t you stop him?” So now I’m apart of this as someone who let it happen. And now I have to “be cool” and play along with the joke, which tbh made me uncomfortable, or be the serious lame new guy...

Keep in mind this was all a practical joke, but for me I take work seriously and I enjoy fun, but nice interaction. I also have issues with people invading my personal space, so knowing that that guy did that means it could happen to me? (Probably not cuz I’m not a girl). So now I have an extra step to remember to log out of my computer when I leave so no one can access it. Not something I should have had to do worry about, I thought.

So I need to learn how to deal with various personalities and how I fit in. Without changing mine?? First time ever I’m doing this without using escapism to cope... so it’s stressful.

I also had all the normal stuff I usually have. Like judging myself thinking I’m too quiet, not funny enough, awkward, spaced out or zoned out, introverted, don’t know where to eat my lunch, not friendly enough or social enough, not the same personality as during my interviews, feeing less than and like a scared little kid.

This morning I woke up and the first thought I had was pain. And I said “F this. This Sh*t is so Fing stupid!” Instantly this was my first thought. And I wanted to turn off alarm and sleep for ever...

But I’m gonna power through and I’m up now starting my day. Here’s day 2!

Oh and every night I’m not getting enough sleep, cuz I’m tossing and turning all night, still have night sweats, and can’t fall asleep quickly cuz I’m anxious about not falling asleep quickly... so I’m tired. And wish I could get more sleep. Which makes my emotional state worse.

triceps said:

Congrats Master. I'm sure you figured that first day would've been a 2/10. So happy for you and hope today goes even better with some of the unknowns behind you now.

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Thanks. Yea true.

I’m doing journaling right now and I realized here’s like A million more things that I wish I could spend a few hours debriefing. But not enough time for that.

So basically I’m working on reframing my thoughts so I can show up to this job tired, and anxious but not crumble and act introverted and scared. Hopefully I can just be myself and not for some reason change into an introverted scared person just cuz I’m tired and anxious.

Difficult to even explain it yet. Still trying to unpack all of this.

I’m freaking out. Driving to work right now. Crying. Already overwhelmed with all the social anxiety and trying to figure out how to deal with everyone’s personality sacrifice who I am but also fit in.

And then I realized that I forgot my lunch. And I’ve been to try to help with my health so I can be is mentally stable as possible And I won’t have a lunch to eat freaking me out.

So hard this is too much I’m so overwhelmed I hate this

And we’re supposed to wear clothes we don’t care about for the morning because we’re going to go to a homeless encampment and hike there. But now I’m freaking out because I don’t know if I’m supposed to have a change of clothes if I’m supposed to change my clothes, or where do I Change my clothes, am I supposed to?

And I’m already running late with my morning schedule and won’t be able to go to the coffee shop like I wanted to. It’s only day two…

triceps said:

You'll make through it and it will be a 6/10 day

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Uggg... the freaking social aspect of all of this is the worst part of it... I have no idea how to act with others...and all my anxiety seems to be based around social interaction and messing up social ques.

Today I have to speak in front of a room of people (about 50-100) while using a microphone and introduce myself. It’s freaking me out. I already have knots in my stomach....

I’ve been not able to sleep well and have been waking up at 5am to prepare my morning routine... which has left me completly exhausted. Since I don’t fall asleep until 10:30 and toss and turn all night. And every morning have woken up 30 minutes before my alarm goes off...

So this morning I decided to hit snooze until 7am. And I feel more rested but I have zero Tim for my morning routine... so I feel like I’m slipping back into my old ways. Which sucks. And dealing with recovery from depression anxiety and addiction, I feel like I need to do my morning routine so I don’t end up relapsing... I feel better now that I’m more rested, but am afraid that I can’t do my morning stuff.

I’m really trying to have a relaxed attitude towards life, this job, and myself but I can’t seem to force that attitude. So instead I’m just incredibly anxious!!! I wish I could just sit back and relax and have a “it’s all good. who cares?” attitude... that would make this way easier. But I don’t know how to get that...

Day started bad. I forgot the code to get into the building, got super introverted and scared. Employee opened door, asked if I worked there, I muddered quietly while looking st my shoes “yes” and she let me in but gave me a weird look...This freaked me out and made me feel like a weirdo.

I also, have issues with going to shared bathrooms . So that was difficult today. (In the past I would hold it in all day, as I did today mostly). Something to work on.

Also, eating. I haven’t liked eating in front of others and freak out that I’m going to be judged by my food or people will talk to me or what ever... so I didn’t eat lunch until 3:30pm... another thing to work on.

But the day ended at a 7/10. So maybe this first hump is over for now.

I’m not only dealing with a new job, but it’s a new career path, and the first time I’ve been apart of a real organization (been self employed). On top of that it’s the social aspect, since I’ve been incredibly isolated for about 8 years... so the first 3 days are an avalanche of all these. As the social stuff gets ironed out I’ll feel more comfortable. And then I’ll learn about office life and then I’ll learn about my position.

Thanks everyone for the support