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My husband

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sadwife2017

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My husband had an nervous breakdown last September and he contributed all of it to his job. He visited his doctor, which sent him to the ER and the doctor there wanted to hospitalize him, but no rooms available. He was sent home with 2 mg. tablets of lorazepam to take 3 times a day. Since last September, he has been on three different meds. Lexapro, Zoloft and now on 60 mgs. of prozac along with 2 mg. of lorazepam a day. He is still holding his job, he tells me every day he is going to be fired. Because of the change in personality and weight loss, 50 lbs. or better, he is now seeing a psycharist and has been tested for front lobal dementia by an neuropsychologist where the finding were major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder. Back in 2017 he did have a CT scan that the results were negative.
I am at the point where I can't live with his actions, we have been married almost 50 years and this is not the man I married. He has always been a big sportsman, but now he does nothing. We need firewood for the winter, he tells me he can't get any. He has a truck that has been siting in our driveway since last November, all it needs is a clutch and he says I will get it fixed eventually. He comes home in the afternoons, feeds his dogs and then sits in his chair the rest of the afternoon/evening watching T.V. , closing his eyes and being all depressed. The weekends are the worse. Sundays he doesn't do anything but sit and stare. He contributes his anxiety to his job, having to learn computer and all the other changes there. He is 68 years old, unable to retire right now because of finances. I am at my wits end and I am taking it very personal. I just can't imagine going on like this, someone please give me some advice. Many, many thanks.
 
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AMcSwain

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Anxiety and depression are very hard to understand if you have never experienced it yourself. It is very stressful which doesn't help since stress is what causes the anxiety in the first place. I have not dealt with anxiety my whole life but I have had a few panic attacks here and there and my husband would hold me and calm me down and tell me I'll be ok. Well about a month ago I had a really bad mental break down and my anxiety was through the roof. I went to my doctor and he put me on Zoloft which takes time to get in your system. In the couple of weeks that I was trying to get myself better my husband wanted to do nothing but fight because he just kept telling me its all in my head. We know it's all in our head but we can not control it. He has never dealt with it before so he did not understand how I was feeling. He would say go lay down if you are just going to mope around the house. I wasn't trying to mope I just could not get the anxiety to calm down. I know it is stressful for y'all as well but my best advice is to just be patient with him because until he is put on the right medicine that works for him he is not going to feel ok.
 
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sadwife2017

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AMcSwain said:
Anxiety and depression are very hard to understand if you have never experienced it yourself. It is very stressful which doesn't help since stress is what causes the anxiety in the first place. I have not dealt with anxiety my whole life but I have had a few panic attacks here and there and my husband would hold me and calm me down and tell me I'll be ok. Well about a month ago I had a really bad mental break down and my anxiety was through the roof. I went to my doctor and he put me on Zoloft which takes time to get in your system. In the couple of weeks that I was trying to get myself better my husband wanted to do nothing but fight because he just kept telling me its all in my head. We know it's all in our head but we can not control it. He has never dealt with it before so he did not understand how I was feeling. He would say go lay down if you are just going to mope around the house. I wasn't trying to mope I just could not get the anxiety to calm down. I know it is stressful for y'all as well but my best advice is to just be patient with him because until he is put on the right medicine that works for him he is not going to feel ok.
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AMcSwain, thank you so much for your reply. I try not to get mad with him, but we need wood for the winter, our yard looks so bad, he is just letting things go and will not help me at all. I understand what your husband is saying, I feel that way so many times and have told him he just wants attention. I know all the wrong things to say, but the main thing that gets me is him being so negative. Anyplace we go to eat, he is negative, anything we do, I have to baby him and try to make him enjoy things. In April I will be 70 years old, my husband and I have been together since we were 13 and 14 years old, but I now don't know this man. I dread to see the weekends come because I know how he is going to be. I think at times, well, it's me. He doesn't love me anymore. All these things go through my mind. I pray about it but I honestly think if either of us could go somewhere else, we would away from each other and that is so sad because I am trying to enjoy what life I have left and he doesn't. This is now his third medication and he tells me that nothing is going to help him, it is the JOB. We have a 42 year old daughter with stage 4 congestive heart failure and he doesn't say that is upsetting him, but that JOB. Thanks so much for talking to me, please don't leave. I need someone bad.
 
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AMcSwain

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sadwife2017 said:
AMcSwain, thank you so much for your reply. I try not to get mad with him, but we need wood for the winter, our yard looks so bad, he is just letting things go and will not help me at all. I understand what your husband is saying, I feel that way so many times and have told him he just wants attention. I know all the wrong things to say, but the main thing that gets me is him being so negative. Anyplace we go to eat, he is negative, anything we do, I have to baby him and try to make him enjoy things. In April I will be 70 years old, my husband and I have been together since we were 13 and 14 years old, but I now don't know this man. I dread to see the weekends come because I know how he is going to be. I think at times, well, it's me. He doesn't love me anymore. All these things go through my mind. I pray about it but I honestly think if either of us could go somewhere else, we would away from each other and that is so sad because I am trying to enjoy what life I have left and he doesn't. This is now his third medication and he tells me that nothing is going to help him, it is the JOB. We have a 42 year old daughter with stage 4 congestive heart failure and he doesn't say that is upsetting him, but that JOB. Thanks so much for talking to me, please don't leave. I need someone bad.
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Just know it is not you. Sometimes it takes trying out a bunch of different medicine to see what works and it sucks because it usually 6-8 weeks to kick in and if you are having to try a bunch of different ones you have to wait in between. I have also noticed with me being on medication things that should probably make me show at least a little emotion does not anymore. That's what the medicine does it kind of blocks your emotions for a while. I hope everything works out for y'all. I like to go for a walk with my son daily it helps clear my head and just being outside..maybe just see if you can him out of the house to do that for like 30 min a day.. It helps me so much
 
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sadwife2017

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AMcSwain said:
Just know it is not you. Sometimes it takes trying out a bunch of different medicine to see what works and it sucks because it usually 6-8 weeks to kick in and if you are having to try a bunch of different ones you have to wait in between. I have also noticed with me being on medication things that should probably make me show at least a little emotion does not anymore. That's what the medicine does it kind of blocks your emotions for a while. I hope everything works out for y'all. I like to go for a walk with my son daily it helps clear my head and just being outside..maybe just see if you can him out of the house to do that for like 30 min a day.. It helps me so much
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Thank you and best of luck to you also. Will keep you updated.
 
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Peanutbuttercup

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sadwife2017 said:
My husband had an nervous breakdown last September and he contributed all of it to his job. He visited his doctor, which sent him to the ER and the doctor there wanted to hospitalize him, but no rooms available. He was sent home with 2 mg. tablets of lorazepam to take 3 times a day. Since last September, he has been on three different meds. Lexapro, Zoloft and now on 60 mgs. of prozac along with 2 mg. of lorazepam a day. He is still holding his job, he tells me every day he is going to be fired. Because of the change in personality and weight loss, 50 lbs. or better, he is now seeing a psycharist and has been tested for front lobal dementia by an neuropsychologist where the finding were major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder. Back in 2017 he did have a CT scan that the results were negative.
I am at the point where I can't live with his actions, we have been married almost 50 years and this is not the man I married. He has always been a big sportsman, but now he does nothing. We need firewood for the winter, he tells me he can't get any. He has a truck that has been siting in our driveway since last November, all it needs is a clutch and he says I will get it fixed eventually. He comes home in the afternoons, feeds his dogs and then sits in his chair the rest of the afternoon/evening watching T.V. , closing his eyes and being all depressed. The weekends are the worse. Sundays he doesn't do anything but sit and stare. He contributes his anxiety to his job, having to learn computer and all the other changes there. He is 68 years old, unable to retire right now because of finances. I am at my wits end and I am taking it very personal. I just can't imagine going on like this, someone please give me some advice. Many, many thanks.
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Hi, I know dealing with this is tough for you especially if you have never dealt with it yourself. You probably feel very frustrated and powerless. But there are things you can do to help your husband and the situation. First, idleness is the absolute worse thing your husband can do for depression. Occupation and movement are very helpful for easing depression. Chopping wood or fixing the clutch are probably simply beyond his abilities at the moment. I know you don’t understand that, but to him they are simply unachievable. So you need to start small... get him to walk to the end of the driveway and get the mail...or a walk around the block on a pleasant evening. Have him go the grocery store with you. On the weekends have very small achievable tasks for him to do preferably outside in the sunshine (pot a plant, brush the dogs, etc) then praise him outrageously when he accomplishes them. Small things will turn into bigger things. I also highly highly recommend getting a Claire Weekes book and BOTH of you read it. She was an utter genius and should have won the nobel prize. She wrote in the 1960’s so you’ll have to excuse the dated views on women because her work is SO SO right on target. Give this a try and post back about how things are going. Remember small and easy steps at first.
 
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sadwife2017

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Peanutbuttercup said:
Hi, I know dealing with this is tough for you especially if you have never dealt with it yourself. You probably feel very frustrated and powerless. But there are things you can do to help your husband and the situation. First, idleness is the absolute worse thing your husband can do for depression. Occupation and movement are very helpful for easing depression. Chopping wood or fixing the clutch are probably simply beyond his abilities at the moment. I know you don’t understand that, but to him they are simply unachievable. So you need to start small... get him to walk to the end of the driveway and get the mail...or a walk around the block on a pleasant evening. Have him go the grocery store with you. On the weekends have very small achievable tasks for him to do preferably outside in the sunshine (pot a plant, brush the dogs, etc) then praise him outrageously when he accomplishes them. Small things will turn into bigger things. I also highly highly recommend getting a Claire Weekes book and BOTH of you read it. She was an utter genius and should have won the nobel prize. She wrote in the 1960’s so you’ll have to excuse the dated views on women because her work is SO SO right on target. Give this a try and post back about how things are going. Remember small and easy steps at first.
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Thank you Peanutbuttercup for your suggestions. I tried one of them this morning. I got him outdoors for just a bit. You are so right, dealing with this has been tough because I don't understand it. I am 69 years old, not in good health myself, and I am having to do everything. Winter is coming on, we need firewood and things that I just can't do myself. I am even thinking about putting in a heat pump because I see no other course. My husband is so depressed, rude at times and so very negative. It is hard trying different things to help him, he balks against it. I will get the Claire Weekes book and read it, but it is doubtful he will. I retired in 2015 and I feel that he isn't happy that I am retired and he is not. I take care of all my bills, insurance, etc. so he is not supporting me to say. We have a 50th wedding anniversary next year and if things keep going the way they are, we may not survive. I just do not want to live my life the way it is without any help whatsoever from him. Putting it all in the hands of God. Please keep in touch, your response meant the world to me. Thanks again.
 
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triceps

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Don't be afraid to ask for help, it's much cheaper than buying a heat pump. Check with neighbors, members of your church, your children, whoever might be willing to help. Many diseases could make it so that your husband wouldn't be able to pull his weight around the house. This disease just happens to be depression, not any different than any other debilitating disease.
 
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Peanutbuttercup

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sadwife2017 said:
Thank you Peanutbuttercup for your suggestions. I tried one of them this morning. I got him outdoors for just a bit. You are so right, dealing with this has been tough because I don't understand it. I am 69 years old, not in good health myself, and I am having to do everything. Winter is coming on, we need firewood and things that I just can't do myself. I am even thinking about putting in a heat pump because I see no other course. My husband is so depressed, rude at times and so very negative. It is hard trying different things to help him, he balks against it. I will get the Claire Weekes book and read it, but it is doubtful he will. I retired in 2015 and I feel that he isn't happy that I am retired and he is not. I take care of all my bills, insurance, etc. so he is not supporting me to say. We have a 50th wedding anniversary next year and if things keep going the way they are, we may not survive. I just do not want to live my life the way it is without any help whatsoever from him. Putting it all in the hands of God. Please keep in touch, your response meant the world to me. Thanks again.
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Keep him occupied with small things at which he can succeed. One thing I didn’t mention is that caring for someone who is depressed and anxious is totally draining at best. So don’t forget to take of yourself both physically and mentally. Take time for yourself to relax and enjoy the things that you like. This is just as important as the therapy you give your husband.
 
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Stsagris

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Hello, I am reading in this forum for my stepmom who is 74 and is experiencing these same issues. It’s has been 8-9 months now and my dad is having a very hard time coping with her. We have seen multiple doctors even Mayo with no success really. I am wondering if you ever reached a solution? Thanks for your time and any info!
 
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Joe diesel 09

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I can see ho
sadwife2017 said:
Thank you and best of luck to you also. Will keep you updated.
[/QUOTE
I can see how you would be frustrated I really do. But you honestly have no idea what is really goin on in that man's head. I feel so sorry for him because I've been there. Many times. I do feel sorry for you too, but I have to admit, and I'm in no way trying to disrespect you, but your post sounds very very self centered. 50 yrs you have been married to this fella. Man thats a long time. You gotta love somebody to stay together that long for sure. But it's hard for people to understand what's goin on in our heads. Why we are quiet or depressed or losing interest in things. I'll tell you, for me, kind words instead of griping helps kinda pull me out a bit. I know you need things done. I live in a rural setting, we raise animals, have yard work and housework to do. Don't need firewood anymore but still have much to do. We do it together. The companionship sometimes can help pull us out of our funk a little. You ain't gotta work yourself in the ground. Now obviously im not telling a 70 yr old woman to help put a clutch in a truck or pick up a splittin maul, but help him with what you can and let him know you are there for him. That may make all the difference in the world. I will pray for you all. The daughter first and foremost. God bless you all.
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