What’s bothering you right now?

Something bothering me lately has been my anxious THOUGHTS. My anxiety seems to manifest as nausea and loss of appetite. My body is starving but the sight, smell, and even thought of food is enough to make me vomit. And my anxiety is sort of cyclic. So it’s this constant thought process of “do I feel sick right now? Or am I just hungry? If I eat will I get sick? What if while I’m out I feel sick? What if I have to throw up in public? Am I even nauseas?” It gets uncontrollable until I can force myself to fall asleep or distract my mind. But I just started a new job less than a month ago so the thoughts have been so bad recently. Ahhhhhhhh

Could this all have started since you started your new job? I always have difficulty with change. It seems that anxiety always works on a loop. You’re anxious, which makes you feel nauseous, which makes you more anxious, which makes you...and so on. What happens when you actually eat something. Do you throw it up, or do you just continue to feel nauseous? Can you eat small bites of saltines, rice and/or dry toast?

Great thread. Now I can really vent about my situation freely.

I am in an absolutely terrible situation right now. I'm 47, not married with no children. I have never had a career or been able to save money. Instead, I went to grad school to become a teacher but can't pass the state teacher license test (4 years trying and failing now). Meanwhile, I subsist on substitute teaching during the school year, and contract-temp-work during the summer.

This summer, I was fired from my temp job when i got into a car accident. Since I live paycheck to paycheck, I had to discuss my rent situation with my landlord. He agreed to release me from my apartment lease with no eviction, because I had been such a good tenant and communicated with him whenever my rent was late.

The car accident was a hit and run, and because I called my auto insurance before calling the police my auto insurance subjected me to an investigation regarding insurance fraud (still pending -- the guy who hit me fled prob b/c he didn't have car insurance).

Then, because I've seen so many specialists for my multiple health problems, my state medical assistance and healthcare program put me on "restricted access" so I have to get referrals from one doctor to see my specialists, and only go to 1 hospital, and 1 urgent care - or I have to pay for those visits out of pocket.

Then to add to all of THAT stress, I got another contract job a week ago, and because i don't have any real friends to crash with while I save money to find another cheaper place to live, the ONLY place I can go to was my toxic mother's 1 bedroom apartment. She and I have a history of toxic emotional abuse (she is the emotional abuser, I'm the scapegoat and recipient), and I have had to live with her before but that was when she owned a 3 level house with 2 bathrooms and 6 bedrooms. There was plenty of space for us then 20 years ago. But now, when i'm 47 and she's 78, we're stuck in close quarters of 860 square feet.

Initially, I thought if i could stay busy and only come to her apartment at night to sleep, that it would be no problem. But so far, I am home every night as I have no money to go and do anything with. Her building manager told her of a 2 bdrm apartment available but THERE IS NO WAY I would EVER live with her on a lease!!!! So, I politely declined my mother's "demand" (she called my cell phone, and demanded I see the 2 bdrm with her tomorrow and sign the lease because SHE wants to move). I told her, "I have to say no, but if you want to move into it, by all means go ahead." She did not like my answer. So she raged at me when I arrived to her apt after my contract job ended. I suggested we go to therapy together to work out our difficulties, to which she responded, "why would I do that! you're the one with the problems! you can't keep a job, you don't have friends, and you are horrible to live with." Just a ray of sunshine isn't my mother?!

So, I have to set goals for myself to keep me out of her apartment until its time to come home and sleep. I think i will see if I can volunteer during the evening at some places, get involved in my hobbies again for low-cost (hobbies can't really be free unfortunately), and try to splurge on a cheap gym membership nearby so I can go there and exercise and walk off my anxiety and panic attacks. Plus, i think i will do walk-in counseling twice a week every week so that i have another person to talk to about all of this stress.

I still owe money for car insurance, am three months behind on car payments, owe my electricity bill, moving out next week from my apartment officially, putting my furniture into storage which will be a monthly expense, and trying not to lose it at my contract job, which is with a very well known global company that has offices on every continent. They are known to hire their contractors full-time, so I have to keep all of this chaos in my personal life a secret from my coworkers, so that i can get them to act as good work references to our supervisor.

Meanwhile, I hope I don't have a heart attack from the stress and anxiety. My cat is 18 and once she passes away, I will lose my mind. I can go to pet grief support groups at the Humane Society but not having her there to be my emotional buffer at my mother's apartment is going to be horrible, if she passes away in the next 2 to 3 months we are here, until I can save the money to leave. I feel like I'm an abuse victim. Emotional abuse is a horrible thing.

Today should have been a good day, but it went down the drain in the last couple of hours.

My extended family had a dinner today to see off one of our 18-year-olds to a major life opportunity. I had a similar opportunity when I was his age, but didn't see the opportunity for all it was and squandered some of it. I know it isn't fair for the person I am now to stand in such harsh judgement of the person I was 30 years ago, but sometimes that is easier said than done. Those regrets rose to the surface today, and my head was swimming in regret-induced anxiety on the drive home.

My son whined through most of the ride home, because it was too late to stop to find a collectible he has been obsessing over recently. That didn't help my emotional state.

While making a turn, my wheel side-swiped a curb. It damaged only the wheel cover (pending having the alignment checked), but hitting that curb took me to my emotional limit. I don't know if the rising anxiety played a part in my misjudging the curb.

I had another 15 minutes of driving ahead of me. If my wife drove, I would have asked her to take over. But she doesn't drive, despite her promise to learn to drive when we moved here. So that too rose to the surface for the rest of the ride home. There are several other things that fall entirely on me because I'm the only person who can do them, only because she won't. That isn't a good life situation for a person with anxiety.

While I was driving through a construction lane with concrete barriers on both sides of the lane, it started raining heavily with very little visibility. Thankfully, I didn't have any other mishaps. But after hitting that curb, it took a lot to not just pull off the rode and sit in a parking lot until the rain slowed down.

By the time I got to my neighborhood, I wanted to give up driving. It's not that I doubt my driving skill (I think I'm a good driver overall), but that I just didn't want to shoulder it anymore. The reality of my situation is that I can't give up driving anytime soon. But I do need alternatives, because I'm not Atlas. There are days that I can't shoulder it all, and shouldn't have to.

Vincent - I understand completely. When you are feeling anxious EVERYTHING is bothersome. You were feeling anxious and a series of events occurred that set the anxiety spinning faster. I shoulder a lot of the responsibilities both at home and at work and wish sometimes that someone would come along and say "let me do that". Of course, being a perfectionist of sorts I would probably correct them as what they would do wouldn't be as good as what I would do. Take a deep breath, have a talk with your wife when you are calmer and tell her you need her to help. Asking her to learn to drive isn't a big ask. I hope today is a better day for you.

Rinka said:

I thought it would be a good idea to open a thread for everyone’s daily ranting.

Well I will just start:
Just recently I started a new job, in June actually. As it is with all new things for me, it makes me more anxious and stressed, then when I’m already established in the job. Then come my three days annual leave. On the day of my annual leave starting, I got the notice that my partner and I had to move within the next two months out of our flat. The landlord wanted to sell the flat. Then my mom was visiting and every day was just total power and total activity with no time to relax and regain energy. On my first day back to work, I was so anxious, that I was shivering and could not focus at all. I had to request one day sick leave. Funny thing though on the day before, my new manager started. So she met me for the first time when I just came back from annual leave requesting sick leave for the day. Nice start really. The whole following week was just an anxiety rollercoaster. Since then I have the feeling that my new manager, does not like me and thinks that I am stupid and don’t belong in my job.

Well that’s me that’s my rant for the day. How are you doing? What’s doing on today that you want to share and let the steam out?

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I'm new here and have been struggling with anxiety to the point where I throw up. I don't know what's the cause, I look at my life and everything is great. Why can't I enjoy the moments of my days?

I IMPULSIVELY SPEAK.. AND MAKE RARELY ANY SENSE.. AND AS IM DOING THAT, I LOOSE TRACK OF THOUGHT AND I DONT HAVE A BIG VOCABULARY ANYWAY, SO IM socially awkward and anxious as is!!! Anyone else feel stupid!?

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What’s bothering me right now, is that I don’t have that go-to person I can just send a quick text to when I’m feeling anxious. People don’t understand it when they don’t have it. I need pen pals :/

Rinka said:

I understand. It’s always hard to talk about anxiety with people who have never experienced it themselves. But well that’s what we are here for. We support each other and listen without judging.

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I just need some people to become “real”. I don’t want to just blast on forums 100% :/

What isn't bothering me right now? That's a better question. It's almost 1 pm and I'm trying to sleep, which is obviously a problem, though I can't sleep and I'm not sure why and nothing helps at all. I can't even remember the last time I actually had proper sleep. My heart has been beating too fast almost constantly lately, it's like it doesn't let up at all and I can feel it beating throughout my entire body. I even feel some pain in my chest from time to time, like right now for example. Sometimes I just wish it would stop, as in stop beating completely. I'm tired of these illogical fears holding me back, but I can't fight them. I'm tired of not having someone around in person to do anything with, and not being able to meet new people because of those fears. Right now my only source of happiness is talking on the phone with someone I met here, that's it, that seems to be all I have that I can even enjoy anymore. Wishing I could fall asleep, and never wake up again. I'm just so tired of everything.

LostMyWay said:

What isn't bothering me right now? That's a better question. It's almost 1 pm and I'm trying to sleep, which is obviously a problem, though I can't sleep and I'm not sure why and nothing helps at all. I can't even remember the last time I actually had proper sleep. My heart has been beating too fast almost constantly lately, it's like it doesn't let up at all and I can feel it beating throughout my entire body. I even feel some pain in my chest from time to time, like right now for example. Sometimes I just wish it would stop, as in stop beating completely. I'm tired of these illogical fears holding me back, but I can't fight them. I'm tired of not having someone around in person to do anything with, and not being able to meet new people because of those fears. Right now my only source of happiness is talking on the phone with someone I met here, that's it, that seems to be all I have that I can even enjoy anymore. Wishing I could fall asleep, and never wake up again. I'm just so tired of everything.

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I really hate to hear you saying that... I understand 100%. I have only been dealing with this severe anxiety for a little over a month but I was feeling the same exact way a couple of weeks ago.. I scared myself thinking like that because I do love my life I have an amazing family and a great son but I wanted it to stop so bad.. I have been on Sertraline for a little over a month and I have still had horrible days but this week I have finally realized that I can feel ok... I know mine is medicated and I am not sure if you are on anything but maybe you just need to find the right thing that works for you...like on my bad days I would just take off walking outside...it just helped clear my head...I still don't sleep very well and I think it makes the anxiety worse.. I hope you start feeling better soon.

LostMyWay said:

What isn't bothering me right now? That's a better question. It's almost 1 pm and I'm trying to sleep, which is obviously a problem, though I can't sleep and I'm not sure why and nothing helps at all. I can't even remember the last time I actually had proper sleep. My heart has been beating too fast almost constantly lately, it's like it doesn't let up at all and I can feel it beating throughout my entire body. I even feel some pain in my chest from time to time, like right now for example. Sometimes I just wish it would stop, as in stop beating completely. I'm tired of these illogical fears holding me back, but I can't fight them. I'm tired of not having someone around in person to do anything with, and not being able to meet new people because of those fears. Right now my only source of happiness is talking on the phone with someone I met here, that's it, that seems to be all I have that I can even enjoy anymore. Wishing I could fall asleep, and never wake up again. I'm just so tired of everything.

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It's a vicious cycle and I'm caught in it too -- insomnia and anxiety. Anxiety causes insomnia, and insomnia produces anxiety symptoms. What's even worse, is the longer the insomnia, the higher likelihood of oxidative stress build-up in the body. There is a lot of research on the link between anxiety and oxidative stress.

Have you tried sleep meds or OTC sleep aids? Or alternative therapies to help you? I am trying to cut off the tv and computer an hour before bedtime and just read to wind down my mind. But, I"m living in a state of constant stress -- living with an emotionally abusive mother for financial reasons -- so I know that is something I need to get a grip on, so that I can get a good night's sleep.

I hope that whatever is bothering you, you can find a way to cope with better. Anxiety messes with all the body's systems, especially when it comes to getting deep sleep.

@AMcSwain

Thank you. I do have my moments of feeling okay too, though just not that often anymore. The anxiety has become so bad I can't even push myself to do something simple like walk outside, and I haven't gone outside at all in about a year. The lack of sleep definitely makes the anxiety worse, it makes a lot of things worse. The sleep problem really started last year, and while it might not be a constant every day thing it's often enough that it's just driving me crazy. I hope yours doesn't get too out of control and settles down soon, it's awful having to deal with it at all no matter how minor or serious it may be. Maybe do things with your son and family, I'm sure there are lots of things you could do together that would be good for you and for them too. Hopefully the medication continues to work for you.

@Peacelily

I hope it doesn't make you feel as bad as it does me, though either way it's just a mess and frustrating to deal with. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had to deal with it? Hmm oxidative stress, something else to worry about now haha.

I've tried lots of things including various different sleeping pills, different supplements including valerian root, different things to tire myself before trying to sleep, avoiding anything with a screen too soon before trying to sleep, listening to music and even things on youtube that supposedly help you relax and sleep. None of it worked, or even seemed to help. The very first time I tried a sleeping pill it seemed to help, but then after that I could take more of the pills than you should (which I honestly did try multiple times) and they would do nothing at all.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing as well, it's no fun though I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Having to deal with someone that is emotionally abusive must really be hard on you, and I'm sure it's not something you can avoid easily either. Do you at least have any friends or anyone that can help you cope with all the stress? I hope you can find some way to reduce the stress, and hopefully the insomnia and anxiety would improve as well.

LostMyWay said:

@AMcSwain

Thank you. I do have my moments of feeling okay too, though just not that often anymore. The anxiety has become so bad I can't even push myself to do something simple like walk outside, and I haven't gone outside at all in about a year. The lack of sleep definitely makes the anxiety worse, it makes a lot of things worse. The sleep problem really started last year, and while it might not be a constant every day thing it's often enough that it's just driving me crazy. I hope yours doesn't get too out of control and settles down soon, it's awful having to deal with it at all no matter how minor or serious it may be. Maybe do things with your son and family, I'm sure there are lots of things you could do together that would be good for you and for them too. Hopefully the medication continues to work for you.

@Peacelily

I hope it doesn't make you feel as bad as it does me, though either way it's just a mess and frustrating to deal with. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had to deal with it? Hmm oxidative stress, something else to worry about now haha.

I've tried lots of things including various different sleeping pills, different supplements including valerian root, different things to tire myself before trying to sleep, avoiding anything with a screen too soon before trying to sleep, listening to music and even things on youtube that supposedly help you relax and sleep. None of it worked, or even seemed to help. The very first time I tried a sleeping pill it seemed to help, but then after that I could take more of the pills than you should (which I honestly did try multiple times) and they would do nothing at all.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing as well, it's no fun though I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Having to deal with someone that is emotionally abusive must really be hard on you, and I'm sure it's not something you can avoid easily either. Do you at least have any friends or anyone that can help you cope with all the stress? I hope you can find some way to reduce the stress, and hopefully the insomnia and anxiety would improve as well.

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Being completely exhausted usually makes me sleep quickly, have you tried going to the gym or go running in the evening before bed?

Chris said:

Being completely exhausted usually makes me sleep quickly, have you tried going to the gym or go running in the evening before bed?

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Well as I said, the anxiety has basically made me agoraphobic and without the ability to push myself I don't see myself getting out any time soon. I did used to try and get in some exercise before sleeping, before the anxiety basically ruined that too. At one point I was regularly doing push ups right before bed, and also doing whatever I could in the limited space I have in my room, unfortunately that didn't help either. I regularly find myself staying up for over 24 hours just to try and be as tired as I can before sleep, but again it just doesn't work.

LostMyWay said:

Well as I said, the anxiety has basically made me agoraphobic and without the ability to push myself I don't see myself getting out any time soon. I did used to try and get in some exercise before sleeping, before the anxiety basically ruined that too. At one point I was regularly doing push ups right before bed, and also doing whatever I could in the limited space I have in my room, unfortunately that didn't help either. I regularly find myself staying up for over 24 hours just to try and be as tired as I can before sleep, but again it just doesn't work.

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Boy, I sure go thru the same stuff. I try to get off my property twice a week going to an AA meeting and to an understanding friend's house for coffee. Every task (do the dishes, a load of laundry, pay a bill, etc.) seems monumental. The amount of thinking I do about my next task is embarrassing. What I try to do each day is do something constructive that I know can be finished that day and anything beyond is gravy.

LostMyWay said:

@AMcSwain

Thank you. I do have my moments of feeling okay too, though just not that often anymore. The anxiety has become so bad I can't even push myself to do something simple like walk outside, and I haven't gone outside at all in about a year. The lack of sleep definitely makes the anxiety worse, it makes a lot of things worse. The sleep problem really started last year, and while it might not be a constant every day thing it's often enough that it's just driving me crazy. I hope yours doesn't get too out of control and settles down soon, it's awful having to deal with it at all no matter how minor or serious it may be. Maybe do things with your son and family, I'm sure there are lots of things you could do together that would be good for you and for them too. Hopefully the medication continues to work for you.

@Peacelily

I hope it doesn't make you feel as bad as it does me, though either way it's just a mess and frustrating to deal with. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had to deal with it? Hmm oxidative stress, something else to worry about now haha.

I've tried lots of things including various different sleeping pills, different supplements including valerian root, different things to tire myself before trying to sleep, avoiding anything with a screen too soon before trying to sleep, listening to music and even things on youtube that supposedly help you relax and sleep. None of it worked, or even seemed to help. The very first time I tried a sleeping pill it seemed to help, but then after that I could take more of the pills than you should (which I honestly did try multiple times) and they would do nothing at all.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing as well, it's no fun though I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Having to deal with someone that is emotionally abusive must really be hard on you, and I'm sure it's not something you can avoid easily either. Do you at least have any friends or anyone that can help you cope with all the stress? I hope you can find some way to reduce the stress, and hopefully the insomnia and anxiety would improve as well.

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I've dealt with insomnia-induced-anxiety since I was in 4th grade. I attribute it to the anxiety from living with my emotionally abusive mother and emotionally absent father (he never protected his children from his wife's angry wrath, so we're all screwed up emotionally as a result). I've had sleep studies completed and was told that I am a naturally segmented sleeper. Supposedly segmented sleeping is healthier for us than sleeping a straight 7 to 8 hours or more, because our ancestors used to sleep in shifts, so to speak. I was also told that I don't hit Delta or deep sleep until late morning which is super inconvenient when I have to work an 8 to 5 job. But I would never work overnights b/c those can destroy your health for a myriad of reasons.

I'm going on two weeks of no sleep and haven't started hallucinating yet or hitting paranoia. But I'm getting close b/c I can feel it starting to happen. I have tried sleeping medications, antidepressants with sedative effects (which made me crazy so no thanks), OTC melatonin (gave me nightmares actually) and nothing's worked AT ALL. The only time I am able to get a good solid night of sleep is when I am not stressed, haven't eaten 3 hours before bedtime, and have cut off my computer usage and tv watching at least an hour before bedtime. If I could do that every night I assume I'd sleep well. But now that i"m living with the wrath of mom (wordplay on the wrath of khan), who is the meanest, nastiest, 78 year old you'd ever meet, my cortisol is causing my heart to race, my face to flush, my asthma to go into overdrive, and my skin to break out in rashes every day. So, lots of fun living with mom albeit only for 6 months. I have to find a way to get to sleep again.

I don't have a social network anymore. I let it go about 8 years ago when I quit doing everything that brought me happiness because of lack of money (and excuses). So, now I am motivated to stay out of the wrath of mom's apartment except for sleeping, which means i will force myself to socialize and volunteer and do what I can do to rebuild a social network. Which takes time. If I had friends, I'm sure I would have just crashed on their sofas instead of the wrath of mom's. I may try to start walking in the mornings too. Exercise supposedly helps get rid of anxiety. I just need to find outlets for all this stress of living in a chronic state of stress. Thanks for asking.

Jones said:

Vincent - I understand completely. When you are feeling anxious EVERYTHING is bothersome. You were feeling anxious and a series of events occurred that set the anxiety spinning faster. I shoulder a lot of the responsibilities both at home and at work and wish sometimes that someone would come along and say "let me do that". Of course, being a perfectionist of sorts I would probably correct them as what they would do wouldn't be as good as what I would do. Take a deep breath, have a talk with your wife when you are calmer and tell her you need her to help. Asking her to learn to drive isn't a big ask. I hope today is a better day for you.

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Thank you, Jones. The last few days were better.

My wife's refusal to drive is a longer story, so I won't derail this thread with it. The bottom line is that I'm planning for us to go back to her country (she's from a big city with excellent public transportation), because she has consistently demonstrated over the years we've been here that she just won't pull her weight here.