depressedanon
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- Aug 8, 2018
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Currently I'm 19 years old, and ever since I was about 13, my depression and anxiety has gotten progressively worse. Doctors have diagnosed me with irritable depression.
I graduated high school, do not attend college, and currently work a full-time job. I have faced hardships that I'd rather not go into detail unless somebody asks, but even if I did share, I myself can't seem to find the source of what's going on with me.
But throughout the help I've tried to seek; passed therapists/counselors, medication, meditation, and so much more. I honestly feel like I can't go on. I'm repeating the same thing every day, and I feel like I serve no purpose. I wake up sad, spend my day sad, and go to sleep sad. Sometimes my sadness reaches its peak when my chest starts hurting. I have tried hanging myself twice in the past but those attempts have clearly failed.
I've made very recent attempts to seek therapy but all therapists in my local clinic are booked for months and months out and refuse to schedule me in. I constantly hate my life, feel alone, as I lost all of my friends to either suicide, or I cut off the ones who still make the bad decisions I used to make. I don't connect with my parents whatsoever so it's extremely hard to talk to them about any of this. I used to use drugs to cope, until I couldn't feel anything anymore, but I found that was probably the worst way to deal.
As I haven't found any successful way to deal, and my daily mood, motivation, and goals are affected, I'm just about close to ending it all. I'm still extremely indecisive but I also feel that if I put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, I either, one, won't experience a thing afterwards and just darkness so I won't have to worry about the pain and sadness, or two, I'd have a far better time in an afterlife if there is one.
'Cause if God was real, I personally doubt he'd intend for any creation of his to feel like this.
I graduated high school, do not attend college, and currently work a full-time job. I have faced hardships that I'd rather not go into detail unless somebody asks, but even if I did share, I myself can't seem to find the source of what's going on with me.
But throughout the help I've tried to seek; passed therapists/counselors, medication, meditation, and so much more. I honestly feel like I can't go on. I'm repeating the same thing every day, and I feel like I serve no purpose. I wake up sad, spend my day sad, and go to sleep sad. Sometimes my sadness reaches its peak when my chest starts hurting. I have tried hanging myself twice in the past but those attempts have clearly failed.
I've made very recent attempts to seek therapy but all therapists in my local clinic are booked for months and months out and refuse to schedule me in. I constantly hate my life, feel alone, as I lost all of my friends to either suicide, or I cut off the ones who still make the bad decisions I used to make. I don't connect with my parents whatsoever so it's extremely hard to talk to them about any of this. I used to use drugs to cope, until I couldn't feel anything anymore, but I found that was probably the worst way to deal.
As I haven't found any successful way to deal, and my daily mood, motivation, and goals are affected, I'm just about close to ending it all. I'm still extremely indecisive but I also feel that if I put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, I either, one, won't experience a thing afterwards and just darkness so I won't have to worry about the pain and sadness, or two, I'd have a far better time in an afterlife if there is one.
'Cause if God was real, I personally doubt he'd intend for any creation of his to feel like this.
