I don't know if anything I'm saying right now is going to come out coherently because I just had a huge meltdown but I'm going to try because I really need someone to talk to. 
So I had a take-home exam in one of my classes, and I finished the exam tonight and it took me two and a half hours. The exam was in a Word document that I had to download to my computer. I'm doing really well in all my classes and I currently have an A+ in this class. I'm really serious about my grades and about school in general and I don't like to make mistakes on assignments. I graduated from college with a 3.8 GPA and I beat myself up constantly because it wasn't a 4.0
I answered all the essay questions and even every single extra-credit question on the exam and spent an hour re-reading my textbook and my notes to make sure I knew all the answers inside and out.
When I went to submit my assignment to my professor, I realized that MICROSOFT WORD DIDN'T SAVE IT EVEN THOUGH I PRESSED SAVE!!!
I got really hysterical because I spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!! working on that exam and I put so much effort and so much detail into it and I even did all the extra credit questions so I would have had like a 110% or an A++ on that exam!!! And stupid damn Microsoft Word didn't save it!!! >:[
So now I have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow and make sure I submit it by tomorrow at 11pm.
I started screaming and punching the wall when I found out that the exam didn't save, and I was sobbing hysterically and collapsed on the floor having a full-blown panic attack. I was hyperventilating and shrieking and I couldn't form a coherent sentence. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing and I was shaking violently. Dave had to restrain me because I wanted to hurt myself.
Now I feel really ashamed and really guilty because something as stupid as my grades and a silly exam really isn't something that I should have panic attacks and meltdowns about.
I feel even more sorry for Dave than I do for myself, because I think I really traumatized him. He still looks really pale and shaky. He said "You scared the living **** out of me, Lukas." He was really sweet and understanding about it though and made me some tea and wrapped me in a blanket and cuddled and kissed me. He said we should both call out of work tomorrow and he'll stay home and take care of me and make sure I don't hurt myself, but I was like "NO WAY! I'm going to work. I'm not going to let a [effing] exam ruin my life." He's really concerned about me and thinks I should talk to my therapist as soon as possible.
The thing is though, I'm not sure I want to admit this to my therapist, because I'm afraid I'll get hospitalized and I don't want to end up in the hospital less than two weeks before my wedding. I know that my meltdown was totally irrational and I feel very stupid. I can just re-type the exam tomorrow after work, and the problem will be solved- the rational side of me knows that, but the irrational side of me thinks the sky is falling and I'm going to fail the class and everything is going to go down the drain.
I think I'm going to go for a walk with Dave and our dogs and try to calm down. Then we'll just watch TV until we fall asleep. I took my PRN a while ago so I think I'm feeling a little more stable now.
I haven't had a massive flipout like this in a very long time. I feel very ashamed
So I had a take-home exam in one of my classes, and I finished the exam tonight and it took me two and a half hours. The exam was in a Word document that I had to download to my computer. I'm doing really well in all my classes and I currently have an A+ in this class. I'm really serious about my grades and about school in general and I don't like to make mistakes on assignments. I graduated from college with a 3.8 GPA and I beat myself up constantly because it wasn't a 4.0
I answered all the essay questions and even every single extra-credit question on the exam and spent an hour re-reading my textbook and my notes to make sure I knew all the answers inside and out.
When I went to submit my assignment to my professor, I realized that MICROSOFT WORD DIDN'T SAVE IT EVEN THOUGH I PRESSED SAVE!!!
I got really hysterical because I spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!! working on that exam and I put so much effort and so much detail into it and I even did all the extra credit questions so I would have had like a 110% or an A++ on that exam!!! And stupid damn Microsoft Word didn't save it!!! >:[
So now I have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow and make sure I submit it by tomorrow at 11pm.
I started screaming and punching the wall when I found out that the exam didn't save, and I was sobbing hysterically and collapsed on the floor having a full-blown panic attack. I was hyperventilating and shrieking and I couldn't form a coherent sentence. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing and I was shaking violently. Dave had to restrain me because I wanted to hurt myself.
Now I feel really ashamed and really guilty because something as stupid as my grades and a silly exam really isn't something that I should have panic attacks and meltdowns about.
I feel even more sorry for Dave than I do for myself, because I think I really traumatized him. He still looks really pale and shaky. He said "You scared the living **** out of me, Lukas." He was really sweet and understanding about it though and made me some tea and wrapped me in a blanket and cuddled and kissed me. He said we should both call out of work tomorrow and he'll stay home and take care of me and make sure I don't hurt myself, but I was like "NO WAY! I'm going to work. I'm not going to let a [effing] exam ruin my life." He's really concerned about me and thinks I should talk to my therapist as soon as possible.
The thing is though, I'm not sure I want to admit this to my therapist, because I'm afraid I'll get hospitalized and I don't want to end up in the hospital less than two weeks before my wedding. I know that my meltdown was totally irrational and I feel very stupid. I can just re-type the exam tomorrow after work, and the problem will be solved- the rational side of me knows that, but the irrational side of me thinks the sky is falling and I'm going to fail the class and everything is going to go down the drain.
I think I'm going to go for a walk with Dave and our dogs and try to calm down. Then we'll just watch TV until we fall asleep. I took my PRN a while ago so I think I'm feeling a little more stable now.
I haven't had a massive flipout like this in a very long time. I feel very ashamed
