Sibling rivalry

My family background is very strange indeed as I was born out of an incestuous relationship. My grandpa is my dad, which makes my mum, aunties and uncle, my siblings. As well, my mums children from her marriages are also my siblings. (as well as being my nieces and nephews). I was adopted as well, which also makes the children in that family my 'step-siblings' or adopted siblings. (I'm not sure of the official name).

Is it any wonder that I have grown up confused?

I am not in touch with my adopted family anymore, so I haven't had any contact with any of them for 17 years. I wonder how they are sometimes but would not want to see them again. My brother and sister in that family never really kept in touch with each other. I see my aunties and mum and am in touch with them, but they ignore the fact that I am their sister and it feels strange.

The siblings from my mums children mostly don't speak to each other. I have a brother and a sister who talk to me, but only when they have to. My brother from that family however, is my best buddy. We share the same birthday although we are not twins, it kind of feels like it. We get on very well and keep in touch every few days. Both of us want to keep in touch as we share a deep understanding of what we have both been through. There isn't any rivalry between us as he is not in touch with our mum.

When I met my sister for the first time in 38 years, my mum was making the odd comment which I took as encouraging rivalry between us. It upset me as I thought it was childish and stupid to try to create a problem.

So my brother that I get along with, I see as a friend as well as family, but the others I see as obligatory. If you only have the one brother and the relationship isn't so great at the moment, give it time. Years can help with changing someone. It is big of you to walk away when you argue, but it needs someone like you to keep the relationship going. He may just appreciate it some day.

I am the 8th child of 9. Growing up my older siblings had already gotten married and moved out, the siblings closer to my age grew up with me. We are all pretty close to this day although growing up sometimes was a competition it seemed, because there were so many of us, we would fight etc. But if an issue would occur such as someone picking on one of us for example, we were thick as thieves, and would take up for each other. I think all siblings have fights now and then, especially when there is a lot of them.

I have an older sister who is 2.5 years older than me. We are the only two children in our family. When we were growing up, my parents always made sure to be fair to both of us, such as buying two birthday cakes and getting gifts on each of our birthday every year. Regardless of that, my sister had always been quite distant. Not only did she not want to hangout with me when we were young, but she also told her friends not to hangout or talk to me. I remembered she even made up lies about me to her friends over the phone, making up rumors about me. For example, I went on a date with so and so (but I was only in 6th grade at the time!).

This only got worse. When I was in the 7th grade, my mother said that she needed to speak to me. I wasn't sure why, but eventually I found out that my sister had complained to her about how I kept talking to her friends. I was sad because it was not me who initiated the talks--her friends would approach me and tried to make friends with me. I was also very sad with the fact that my friends also talked to her, and it didn't bother me at all. I liked us being all friends.

I know it seems all silly to be bringing up old memories, but these memories were so confusing and hurtful that they stayed with me for a long time. A couple years ago, she apologized for the ways she had treated me before, saying that it was because she wanted me to be "better than other people's sisters." However, I know it is just an excuse because two years ago I got accepted to a program at an Ivy league school, and she was truly not happy. She did not congratulate me; instead, she asked why I didn't apply to somewhere elsewhere the tuition was cheaper (she had graduated from UC Berkeley herself). I understand that she's a finance analyst and cares a lot about money--everything I've gotten from her were either things that her friends gave her or discounted coupons--but I've always been supportive of her and it's just hurts me so much that she never likes anything I do.

Today we are both married, and things have gotten a little better with her. However, it is now her husband who dislikes me a lot, so much that it became a family issue. Previously her husband had a beef with my cousin, whose personality could be a bit sassy but she's a genuine person. I learned about this particular incident from my sister after her husband threw a tantrum at me (it was the first time we met, too). According to her, her husband was mad at my cousin for making ironic comments about a cake that my sister had bought for thanksgiving dinner. Knowing my sister's personality, I'm sure she had complained to her husband about it. And I'm also sure that he hates me because my sister made negative comments about me as well. I've heard her complain about my other relatives over the years and I just don't understand why. To me, as long as you're my relative, I'd be generous to you (including my sister despite what she has done). But clearly this isn't the case for her or her husband. Now I only feel worse that they've teamed up to talk ill behind me and other family members.

I'm happy I found a way to express my feelings via this forum because I've never told other people about it, but I know it's not healthy for me to keep it all to myself. I don't like speaking ill about my sister, but this is something I have to let out so that perhaps I could move on...until something else happens in the future. I've always respected her and looked up to her, yet at the same time, I'm afraid of her. I feel sad every time I see my friends getting along with their older sisters so well, who take good care of them like older sisters do.

Hello @Rinka ! Thank you for the warm welcome and sharing your experiences with me as well. I agree with you that sibling rivalry is a big issue. I do not hate my sister, but I'm afraid of her and can't really grasp what exactly she wants or prefers. It just strikes me that even though my parents tried very hard to be equal, she still feels like I am being treated better, and she often compares herself to me. To me, she's always going to be my older sister. I respect her and look up to her. I just don't want her to feel jealous because she really doesn't have to.

It's good that people are using this forum as an opportunity to express their thoughts that would otherwise be hidden. Thanks so much for the wonderful forum

Hello @Anna Daley and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to say that your sister doesn't sound like a very nice person. We don't choose our family but we can choose our friends. I hope you don't let your sister get to you too much. You are a better person than her and she doesn't deserve you as a sister.

Hello @janemariesayed, thank you very much for your comment. I think as we got older things got a little better compared to the past because we're no longer living under the same roof. @Rinka is right on that parents tend to have more ease on the second child since they've already gone through with the first one.

I have been distancing myself from her for the past few years, although she constantly expresses that she wants to be close with me. I still like her but I'm always afraid she's going to judge me, like she often does to other family members. @Rinka has made a really good point. I felt like I've been constantly trying to impress her but she's just not able to give it to me. Thank you both for sharing your insights with me!

I agree! Perhaps distancing yourself would be a good idea. You don't have to give up on the relationship completely. But there is nothing stopping you from being just far too busy to meet up all the time!

I'm the youngest sibling and I'm the least favorite! My parents have always had a preference toward my brother. It may have to do with the fact that my parents are religious and I'm gay I think they've known that I was for most of my life and that may explain the favoritism toward my brother and sister.

When we are different from the rest of the clan it makes us become the black sheep. I'm the black sheep too, but it is because I was born out of incest that makes me different from the rest of them.

_Lukas said:

I'm the youngest sibling and I'm the least favorite! My parents have always had a preference toward my brother. It may have to do with the fact that my parents are religious and I'm gay I think they've known that I was for most of my life and that may explain the favoritism toward my brother and sister.

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From the moment we are born , we have no chose but to rely on our parents for love and support we have no chose but to look to them for care and understanding and when children( like most of us here) don't get that.. it causes us to grow up insecure . It also makes matters worst when your parents show favoritism towards the other sibings. In my case... I have a heroine addict sister, an hiv positive brother and anot her sister that's a pill head. Yet... everyday they get called and checked on and they get anything and everything that they want. Just like you. .. I am also the youngest in my family and for some reason they decided that I was not good enough to have my pictures taken as a child or I was always the one that was in the back burner. At Christmas it was especially painful. My brother and two sisters got so many more presents than I did . To me... it's almost like I didn't matter at all. And when something was done for us.. it was my mom and her side of the family that would do those things for us because my dad was too busy getting drunk cheating on my mom and then coming home and beating us up.. because ( just in case).. we did something wrong that day. (Ass hole)... anyways... . Life as a child can be tough if you don't have the love that all children so deserve. There is no reason why your parents should treat you this way. That like them saying that God got it wrong. Aren't we all created in his image? So what... your gay.... big deal. I hate how this world try to tell you who to love and how to love. You be you, you be happy and don't worry what anyone else has to say or how you are treated by anybody else. What makes them so special that they can treat a person differently because of there sexual preference. How dare they. This type of stuff pisses me off.

Concernedgal said:

From the moment we are born , we have no chose but to rely on our parents for love and support we have no chose but to look to them for care and understanding and when children( like most of us here) don't get that.. it causes us to grow up insecure . It also makes matters worst when your parents show favoritism towards the other sibings. In my case... I have a heroine addict sister, an hiv positive brother and anot her sister that's a pill head. Yet... everyday they get called and checked on and they get anything and everything that they want. Just like you. .. I am also the youngest in my family and for some reason they decided that I was not good enough to have my pictures taken as a child or I was always the one that was in the back burner. At Christmas it was especially painful. My brother and two sisters got so many more presents than I did . To me... it's almost like I didn't matter at all. And when something was done for us.. it was my mom and her side of the family that would do those things for us because my dad was too busy getting drunk cheating on my mom and then coming home and beating us up.. because ( just in case).. we did something wrong that day. (Ass hole)... anyways... . Life as a child can be tough if you don't have the love that all children so deserve. There is no reason why your parents should treat you this way. That like them saying that God got it wrong. Aren't we all created in his image? So what... your gay.... big deal. I hate how this world try to tell you who to love and how to love. You be you, you be happy and don't worry what anyone else has to say or how you are treated by anybody else. What makes them so special that they can treat a person differently because of there sexual preference. How dare they. This type of stuff pisses me off.

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It pisses me off too, and my parents did the same thing to me as a kid- no pictures of me! There were probably about fifty pictures of my siblings in my parents' house and maybe three or four of me.
I'm sorry to hear you went through the same thing with your family, it really sucks when parents play favorites!
My siblings always got more and better presents for Christmas and birthdays, more money, etc. It made me really sad and pissed off!
I'm so sorry your dad did that to you, that's despicable I can't stand people who abuse their kids.
For the longest time my parents refused to acknowledge that I had a boyfriend, he wasn't allowed to come to family functions and he wasn't allowed in my parents' house unless they were home at the time. It was only when we moved in together and got engaged that my parents (reluctantly) acknowledged the existence of our relationship and allowed him around the extended family. Most of my family members are very homophobic too unfortunately (my family is from Poland, which is not the most LGBTQ-friendly country), but I do have an aunt and uncle who are very accepting of me and also love my fiance. We're actually going to a cocktail party at their house this weekend.
My brother is also an asshole to say the least He always embarrasses me in front of my family by making fun of my stutter and speech issues (I pronounce my L's and R's like W so my brother has always called me "Wukas" because that's how I pronounce it ). He used to traumatize our dogs when we were growing up, and then he would flip out when the dogs bit him
My sister isn't as bad, I know she doesn't like me but she at least has the decency not to be obvious about it. She seems to think that my physical limitations are also intellectual limitations. A lot of people think that about me though so I try not to take it personally. A few people have asked me if I've had a stroke or if I have brain damage.
Sorry for rambling, I get carried away when I start talking lol. If only it was this easy for me to talk in real life!

janemariesayed said:

When we are different from the rest of the clan it makes us become the black sheep. I'm the black sheep too, but it is because I was born out of incest that makes me different from the rest of them.

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What people don't seem to realize is that there's nothing inherently wrong with being different. If we were all cut from the same cookie-cutter mold, life would be pretty boring!

Concernedgal said:

when children( like most of us here) don't get that.. it causes us to grow up insecure .

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There you go, that is me in a nutshell. Pushed about from pillar to post like a bit of rubbish on the street. That was me, from family to family. That is what has made this little girl insecure.

_Lukas said:

It pisses me off too, and my parents did the same thing to me as a kid- no pictures of me! There were probably about fifty pictures of my siblings in my parents' house and maybe three or four of me.
I'm sorry to hear you went through the same thing with your family, it really sucks when parents play favorites!
My siblings always got more and better presents for Christmas and birthdays, more money, etc. It made me really sad and pissed off!
I'm so sorry your dad did that to you, that's despicable I can't stand people who abuse their kids.
For the longest time my parents refused to acknowledge that I had a boyfriend, he wasn't allowed to come to family functions and he wasn't allowed in my parents' house unless they were home at the time. It was only when we moved in together and got engaged that my parents (reluctantly) acknowledged the existence of our relationship and allowed him around the extended family. Most of my family members are very homophobic too unfortunately (my family is from Poland, which is not the most LGBTQ-friendly country), but I do have an aunt and uncle who are very accepting of me and also love my fiance. We're actually going to a cocktail party at their house this weekend.
My brother is also an asshole to say the least He always embarrasses me in front of my family by making fun of my stutter and speech issues (I pronounce my L's and R's like W so my brother has always called me "Wukas" because that's how I pronounce it ). He used to traumatize our dogs when we were growing up, and then he would flip out when the dogs bit him
My sister isn't as bad, I know she doesn't like me but she at least has the decency not to be obvious about it. She seems to think that my physical limitations are also intellectual limitations. A lot of people think that about me though so I try not to take it personally. A few people have asked me if I've had a stroke or if I have brain damage.
Sorry for rambling, I get carried away when I start talking lol. If only it was this easy for me to talk in real life!

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How rude!!! People asking you if you've had a stroke or have brain damage. I would ask them if they had brain damage. And listen to @janemariesayed . She's right. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same.

Concernedgal said:

How rude!!! People asking you if you've had a stroke or have brain damage. I would ask them if they had brain damage. And listen to @janemariesayed . She's right. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same.

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Yeah, it's super rude, I usually just don't talk when I'm in a new social situation because I know people are going to react to the stutter and speech impediment. My challenges are all physical, not intellectual, but I always get called "retarded" and "mentally challenged." When I was younger I was in a wheelchair for a while and with that combined with the way I talk everyone treated me like I was low-functioning and talked down to me. People still do that sometimes though.
People also always make fun of my last name because it has the word "stank" in it. Real mature. It's pronounced differently in Polish than it is in English, but unfortunately I always get the English pronunciation which is "Stank-a-witz." Because kids are super immature and super mean, I got called by my last name for most of my childhood.
My fiance gets an incorrect English pronunciation of his last name all the time but his isn't embarrassing.
Polish last names can be really difficult to pronounce, I get that, but it annoys me a lot when people make a joke out of my last name.
You would think my first name would be pretty straightforward to spell but I always get "Lucas" and "Luke."
Anyway, that's my rant about names.