Eavie
New Member
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2017
- Messages
- 8
- Reaction score
- 3
I have never joined a forum or chat room so here goes.
The thoughts that runs through my head all day, everyday will never cease. The repetitive bad things I heard over and over most of my life. You're stupid, you'll never amount to nothing, see you made me hit you, why do you make me so angry? And they go on and on and on.
When I went to my dad to tell him what my uncle (his brother) had done to me, my daddy just told me to shut up and quit making sh** up or I will give you something to shut you up.
When I was a teen and we'll into young adulthood I would safety pin my braw together to smooth my boob because I thought it was my fault. No one believed me. My beautiful cousin who was my uncle's youngest daughter committed suicide because of what he did to her.
But that's not why I hate myself and believe I am worthless. It is and always be that way.
I sought out a couselor well you can say shrink and have been seeing one for almost 2 years and have been on every type of anti depression or anti anxiety meds you can name but the thoughts in my head have never ceased. In fact they have gotten worse.
I believe that I deserve to hurt in all ways. I don't want anyone to feel pity on me and that is why I am here to be anomosis. I cannot tell anyone else because I feel I should hold this burden.
When I was about 14 I beGan cutting myself. Me and that very same cousin. Then I began to burn myself. Then I would starve myself. And even as far as attempting to kill myself by overdosing on medicine where I had lost my hearing for a short time. I tried to hang myself but I was so dumb I couldn't get the rope right. But my beautiful cousin and best friend who went through this with me did commit suicide by overdose. She was always doing things before me. But I hurt for her because I was not there for her like when she forced me to vomit up the pills I had taken. She was found in her apartment days later. She had choked to death on her own vomit.
But I was good for a few years and then the feelings and thoughts have come back. I want to disconnect with the world and sometimes go to sleep and never wake up.
I have recently began self harm and it is far worse then what I did as a child. I take a hammer and hit a specific part of my body over and over. Recently I did it to my back and when my husband seen it he rushed me to the ER which I had to lie. I told them I had fallen. The bruises were black in some places and the swelling was even worse. But even through all that pain I felt like I deserved it. I haven't told anyone for fear of being judged, shamed, locked away. I only self harm myself. I can't even swat my kids behind and have never and never will because of my dad beating me. As I would never want my children to ever feel what I did so I am the push over, but that's okay.
I think my pain is my own and that I should keep it to myself. I would never want anyone to have to hold this burden ot feel sorry for me. So my husband doesn't even know.
The reason why I am here is because I had to tell someone even if it is anomosis.
Sorry for the rambling....
The thoughts that runs through my head all day, everyday will never cease. The repetitive bad things I heard over and over most of my life. You're stupid, you'll never amount to nothing, see you made me hit you, why do you make me so angry? And they go on and on and on.
When I went to my dad to tell him what my uncle (his brother) had done to me, my daddy just told me to shut up and quit making sh** up or I will give you something to shut you up.
When I was a teen and we'll into young adulthood I would safety pin my braw together to smooth my boob because I thought it was my fault. No one believed me. My beautiful cousin who was my uncle's youngest daughter committed suicide because of what he did to her.
But that's not why I hate myself and believe I am worthless. It is and always be that way.
I sought out a couselor well you can say shrink and have been seeing one for almost 2 years and have been on every type of anti depression or anti anxiety meds you can name but the thoughts in my head have never ceased. In fact they have gotten worse.
I believe that I deserve to hurt in all ways. I don't want anyone to feel pity on me and that is why I am here to be anomosis. I cannot tell anyone else because I feel I should hold this burden.
When I was about 14 I beGan cutting myself. Me and that very same cousin. Then I began to burn myself. Then I would starve myself. And even as far as attempting to kill myself by overdosing on medicine where I had lost my hearing for a short time. I tried to hang myself but I was so dumb I couldn't get the rope right. But my beautiful cousin and best friend who went through this with me did commit suicide by overdose. She was always doing things before me. But I hurt for her because I was not there for her like when she forced me to vomit up the pills I had taken. She was found in her apartment days later. She had choked to death on her own vomit.
But I was good for a few years and then the feelings and thoughts have come back. I want to disconnect with the world and sometimes go to sleep and never wake up.
I have recently began self harm and it is far worse then what I did as a child. I take a hammer and hit a specific part of my body over and over. Recently I did it to my back and when my husband seen it he rushed me to the ER which I had to lie. I told them I had fallen. The bruises were black in some places and the swelling was even worse. But even through all that pain I felt like I deserved it. I haven't told anyone for fear of being judged, shamed, locked away. I only self harm myself. I can't even swat my kids behind and have never and never will because of my dad beating me. As I would never want my children to ever feel what I did so I am the push over, but that's okay.
I think my pain is my own and that I should keep it to myself. I would never want anyone to have to hold this burden ot feel sorry for me. So my husband doesn't even know.
The reason why I am here is because I had to tell someone even if it is anomosis.
Sorry for the rambling....
