Putting Up A Good Front

Are you familiar with the term "fake it until you make it"? This is an actual recommended therapy technique, it may not always work but the idea is to go trough those events as if you were enjoying yourself and faking the confidence that you lack until you actually start feeling good about the whole thing, this is backed up by some research of people being asked to act as if they were very social persons.

This is probably related to power-posing, are you familiar with that? It sound very silly but it appears to really work, as in, having a noticeable effect on your testosterone levels after just posing for a few seconds.

Putting up a good front? I think I have been doing this ever since I was in school. It's something which my mother instilled in me. I have to dress in clean clothes. I have to be properly bathed. I have to make sure my teeth are clean. What happens before I leave the house is nobody's business. Before I step outside, I must make sure I am at my best.

You don't have to do that to yourself, just accept the way you are. If you want to stop it then stop it, and let your friends know the way you are. I can guarantee you that they will more than likely look at you the same, but they will also keep in mind that you have a condition and they'll make sure not to make it hard for you anyway they can because they care about how you feel.


A good example would be if 6 guys went to hang out with one girl at the movie theaters, it's obviously a lot of boys, and they might be saying and doing boy things, especially stuff like sex jokes. If they cared enough, they'd make sure not to do all of that stuff around you if it makes you uncomfortable, there is nothing wrong with that.

I totally agree with what you say @hades_leae, we are what we are and we don't need to put a good or a bad front, but simple act as we always do. Sure, we live in society and we need to be clever or else we will not integrate, but there is no point in pretending to be something we are not, we will be just hurt ourselves by doing that.

You'll be surprised at how many people in life put up a front, in fact most of the population does and only behind closed doors can you truly be yourself. I have many friends who I have known for years, but until you either spend 24/7 with them or have to stay overnight with them you never see the true side to someone. People can only put up a front for so long, which is why people should have space, and people should give people that space.

All the time.  At work I'm a totally different person.  People I work with never believe that I'm really shy and anxious when I'm at home or on my days off.  It's like I step into a totally different character, one that I'm not always comfortable with but I'm so used to assuming.  Other people do this, too.  I had a friend who I believed had their act together 24/7, and then when I started hanging out with them more, I realized that they had major issues just like I did.  It was kind of a relief, to be honest.

I think everyone is has learned to put up a good front in most social scenes.  It's something learned over time.  I too do it as most of the time I'm a home body and not the most pleasant to be around.  When you meet a person for the first time, you are meeting their representative and not the real person that they are when they are in their comfortable surroundings.

When I was in high school and my anxiety was bad, I would put on a "mean" face without even realizing it. Nowadays it's harder to control because I interact with people much less than I used to, so when I'm anxious, everyone can tell, I'll start to think I'm doing a good job of hiding it until someone tells me I look scared or sad. 

CT422 said:

When I was in high school and my anxiety was bad, I would put on a "mean" face without even realizing it. Nowadays it's harder to control because I interact with people much less than I used to, so when I'm anxious, everyone can tell, I'll start to think I'm doing a good job of hiding it until someone tells me I look scared or sad. 





 

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You remind me of the way I laugh. I always thought that I laughed merrily. Then, one day long ago, I found out otherwise. It was the last day of my high school. One girl said that she wanted to buy my laugh. I was surprised and asked why. She said my laugh made other people feel stupid. It's so illuminating, isn't it? What we think we are doing is perceived so very differently by other people.

I will say, personally, my anxiety is off the charts 90% of the time, especially in public. I am freaking out on the inside! Though, I do put on a good front and appear to be a "normal person" even when I feel like falling over on the inside. Most of the time, people are clueless and have no idea. 

I grew up with a single mom who was a business woman.  She made us, my sister and me, aware that there is a professional and a causal face.  There are different expectation that you are expected to meet depending on the situation.  So on some level, everyone is expected to moderate and 'fake' it to fit the situation.  Think of how you are with a bad boss.  They don't give you a raise when you ask for it and have been working extra hours, they give that promotion to someone else.  You can't shout at your boss for being blind and stupid for not giving you what you want even if you really want to.  You have to take him to the side and ask why and what you need to do to get the promotion next time.  Plus, depending on the personalities you're working with, you have to modulate how you act to get a correct response.  I had this one coworker who was a loud and a little bullish about how he went about his work.  You couldn't softly suggest he do this or that.  You had to  bluntly talk like him and tell him that he needs to do this while he's at work, and then he would do it.  I need the reverse, I need someone to softly tell me to correct my work otherwise I take it as harsh criticism and I go into my shell.  If you judge it externally, we change how we act on a micro level with each person, plus there is a profession and non-professional selves.  Neither of these are wrong or fake, they are simply appropriate for the moment.  


Personally, I don't like having my friends dump all their problems on me because then I feel like I need to solve them unless I know they just need someone to talk to them and take it out.  I get not telling the people you work with coworkers and acquaintances about your problems, you never know if they might use your problems to help themselves get ahead.  Friends are another issue, I think part of the problem is that your friends aren't as close or you don't think they are close enough to really understand you.  You might need to reevaluate why you aren't close.  Your closest friends, one or three maybe more, should be able to handle the real you.   I sympathize with that anxiety though, I used to feel guilty about it as a kid but I've always had a cool facade that I use to keep people away until I trust them.  I just see this as a form of self protection and it's practical if you want to live a normal life.

I have to admit that I am a chameleon, I change colors and appearance depending on the situation. I come to the office well-dressed and made up and talk in a more controlled way to people from different levels of the organization. I need to show a more formal and respectable appearance at work. I am not free to express my emotions at work because I will be thought of as immature and unprofessional. So yes, I think most of us will show our best foot forward when it comes to work. It could get tiring, though, and that's why I appreciate the two-year break from the corporate world and my two-year online career. 

Absolutely. In fact I believe this is a pretty common thing to do by people. Sometimes I feel really bad and without any motivation to do things but I know i just have to do it... there's no way around it so I just try to make the best out of the situation and try to hide my feelings and anxiety. Even if people ask me, if I don't want to talk about it, I'll just say everything's fine but maybe later on I'll explain it. It's just my personality.

I'm always like this when I'm in uncomfortable situations, most of the time when I go out with my friends I do feel anxiety but I try to mask it as much as possible. It does take a lot of energy out of me but it's something I need to do to get out of my comfort zone, otherwise I'll be stuck in the same situation forever. Trust me, exposing yourself by being uncomfortable is the best thing you can do for yourself. It will help tremendously to gain confidence.

Sometimes I have to put up a good front as well, but there are times, where I don't even bother doing that. Even though I do it from time to time too, it makes me feel sad. 


I mean if you look at it - probably the most socially expected conversation goes like: 


"Hi." 


"Hi. How are you?"


"I'm fine and you?" 


"I'm fine."


This is a pattern that is formed into your brain pretty much from the moment you are born. Nobody expects you to answer differently and nobody will answer differently. Maybe this is why people feel the need to put up a good front? Just because everyone is expected to "be fine" even if in reality, they are not. This is today's society and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I have to pretend that everything is alright when it's not to the point where I don't know what I'm actually feeling. 

x0xLikeMex0x said:

Sometimes I have to put up a good front as well, but there are times, where I don't even bother doing that. Even though I do it from time to time too, it makes me feel sad. 


I mean if you look at it - probably the most socially expected conversation goes like: 


"Hi." 


"Hi. How are you?"


"I'm fine and you?" 


"I'm fine."


This is a pattern that is formed into your brain pretty much from the moment you are born. Nobody expects you to answer differently and nobody will answer differently. Maybe this is why people feel the need to put up a good front? Just because everyone is expected to "be fine" even if in reality, they are not. This is today's society and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I have to pretend that everything is alright when it's not to the point where I don't know what I'm actually feeling. 

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This is true, there is a lot of pressure in social situations to put your best foot forward, and if you don't there's always the fear that you'll be called a "downer". Pretending to be fine can get tiring fast, especially if you have to do it for a long time. 

Yes, and it is exhausting. For other people is nothing, but for me is something I can't bear for much time. I prefer to roughing it up too, don't want to ruin anyone times because I'm  a wimp that wants to go home now.

I've heard it said that if "fake it" you'll eventually "make it." The principle of the thing is you get enough practice at doing something you were not good at to the point where you actually get used to it. It might be exhausting but you at least know what needs to be said at the right time.

I did some work in retail years ago and some of it involved conversing for longer than 10 minutes with customers even ones you'd just met. Put on a facade of being sociable I had to and it's something anyone who has a social anxiety disorder should try. Exposing yourself to what makes you anxious can rob it of its power over you, gradually.

I've had people tell me (once they've gotten past the SA and into my inner circle) that they thought I was rude/standoffish at the start when they first met me - and didn't take it as anxiety but more a "I'm not interested in hanging out with you" vibe. And I guess in a lot of respects that's how some people's anxiety can come off to others. I do often go for finding a corner in social settings, and don't really make an effort to strike up conversation - mainly because I have that voice inside my head saying "why would they want to talk to you anyway?" and it's interesting to hear from the other side that a lot of the time people think it's me who doesn't want to hang out or chat with them. Perspective is useful in understanding it, I think.