Work, job providers and all that nonsense

[Snapdragon]

I'm just venting, but I often feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of having a job. It's not that I don't want to work or be productive, it's just with both mental and physical illnesses to content with even the most simple tasks feel way beyond my ability.

I have a new job as a cleaner at a fast food restaurant. I've done cleaning before, however I've always worked outside of opening hours in previous jobs, away from people, now I'll be working during opening hours during a busy time.
Because of that, I gotta put on a good face and greet customers, and I can't be slow or make mistakes. There's a lot of pressure working around other people, and I'm not sure I can cope with it. I'm so anxious that I'll screw everything up, and I know the noise alone is going to have me freaking out all the time.

One of my major fears is having a panic attack in front of everyone, because unlike in social situations, there's no way for me to leave early. I have to work, I won't be allowed to run away.
But I know from experience that when I can't escape, I tend to lash out instead, or I'll even get to the point I curl up in a ball and just cry. I think if that happened, I'd be humiliated. I don't think I could stand it.

Another fear I have is how physically and emotionally draining work is. At my last job, I would go to work, and then once I was done, I couldn't do anything else. I starved some days because I was too tired to buy food or cook. I just couldn't look after myself, because I put all my energy in to working. I barely kept in contact with anyone either, I just felt too overwhelmed.

I've tried talking to my job provider about all these fears too, but they just don't care. They just see me as lazy and overly sensitive, as if I'm exaggerating or making things up. They don't understand what it's like to have an illness, and because of that, they show no sympathy.

I often wish I was well, that I wasn't so afraid of everything, and that I didn't have a physical illness that makes me so tired and sore. I want to be like everyone else, to have a job I'm good at, that doesn't leave me incapable by the end of it.

Having mental and physical illness is hard enough, but living up to the expectations of people who don't have these problems, that's the real hell.

 

[janemariesayed]

Depression and mental illness can make you feel that the most simple tasks are beyond our abilities. I wish I could work right now but it is impossible for me. I feel useless myself at times. If it wasn't for my dogs and my brother needing me I would have no responsibilities at all. Yet I have had jobs that have been stressful and demanding and performed brilliantly, even so, that seems to make no difference when I am in a depressive state of mind.

Cleaning isn't a demanding job, it isn't really stressful so your mental disability that you are suffering at the moment must be quite full on. I'm sorry that you are suffering like that. Of course, you need to avoid having a panic attack. Do you know what triggers them at all? If you can avoid the triggers then you may find that you are okay and enjoy the day's work. I suppose the fear of it in itself is enough, though.

to address your eating problem, this is normal for depression. we don't feel like doing anything. We don't feel like cooking or preparing food. We don't feel like going out to buy food and the illness even makes us feel too lazy to put it in our mouths. As well, it makes us not fancy eating what we have in the cupboard. I totally understand what you're going through there. I get low blood sugar so I can't go without food or I would collapse and suffer organ failure. When I am off food I find it easier to eat carbs. You know comfort food. Bread and cakes suffice. I eat them for a few days then it brings back the desire to eat again, and I end up getting some fruit and veg and maybe a bit of meat. A couple of times lately I've been thinking about cottage pie. Yummy mince and onions with creamy buttery mash with cheese on the top with a nice sprinkling of oregano. Does that make you feel like eating @Snapdragon ?

It is easy to say, but try to not care or worry about what others think. I am the same as you could see with the problem with my mom and aunty. The lack of awareness across the globe about mental awareness frustrates me. people don't seem to be naturally compassionate which isn't fair. If we had a physical disability, they would sympathise because they could see from a distance that we are not well. Maybe, we can be bigger than them because we are sensitive. We understand and can spot the signs and symptoms.