Honeycomb913
Junior Member
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2016
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Warning! Very brief and sparse mentions of Religious figures in two or three places. For anyone who doesn't have any affiliations this is to spare you having to see that, BUT to be fair the parts mentioned make up no more than even just a QUARTER of this sentence so heeeeeyyyy maybe you can pretend it's not there! It's not preachy I promise! Have a Great Day!
A few months ago when things were at their most challenging--life has the tendency to come with a lot of those
brings a small smile to my face to know that fact--I was bombarded with a whole lot of thoughts as I most often was at the time and still am sometimes during those very normal, very human moments that my grip slips and my little feet get to stumbling. I was sweeping salt off the floor of my mother's living room (I'd SAY this wasn't normal, to maybe try to save face but no no... this is very very normal to my unusual little self -- I salt my house every now and again to neutralize the negative/nervous energy that builds up when many people with many mixing and changing energies stank it up after a little while) and my mind was racing from one topic to the next trying to wrangle up what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
My thoughts yanked me from one extreme to another about what I'm supposed to be achieving to assure that I was being sufficiently 'Useful' with my existence. (Self worth and Value was a summit I've often had the pleasure of having to climb,--fall down--dust my shoulders--thank my Creator--and get right back up to climbing this past year.. Although don't get me wrong the Lord knows I threw in my own little spins of fun here and there to keep things interesting like; Whining, Agonizing, Tantruming, Very nearly giving up, questioning my capability, questioning my capability.... and questioning my capability But I've found that exposure to discomfort and struggle can be a beautiful thing if you stick around long enough and love yourself enough to open your heart to what it's all trying to teach you. Life isn't THAT cruel... she's just very VERY no BS when it comes to her teachings.
'Dang, Mama why you gotta be so rough??'
Anyway, in the middle of all that hodgpodge and stressing and ruminating over what I SHOULD be doing, I started actually LOOKING at everything I was listing off (Or rather rapid firing straight into my brain one pellet after the other) and I started picking up a recurrent theme in all of them: None of it made me happy.
Everything was just stuff I thought people would expect from me, what people HAVE expected from me:
Go to school
Get a good job
Make sure you're earning a decent compensation
Learn about this
Learn about that
Blah Blah Blah
While yes true SOME.... SOME of that stuff (The stuff I didn't list down) made very valid points I was (or rather my Father) redirected me right back to the same simple and ONLY relevant fact at the time: I needed to take care of MYSELF first.
Why was I so insistent on making sure I met Outside requirements/ Obligations to OUTER society when I hadn't even taken the time to nurture my own needs? I had near paick attacks every day, why was I emphasizing being 'good enough' for others? I didn't even know how to take care of and listen to my own deeper emotional needs and insecurities, why was I skipping over to meeting the financial bills that had no immediate effect on me? I constantly belittled berated and hated myself, mocking my own very REAL very VALID and very HUMAN vulnerabilities, why was I discarding my needs like a soiled handkerchief?
Over the past year I learned the importance of loving myself first, accepting myself, and not being so downright demanding of myself to "BE LIKE YOU"RE SUPPOSED TO BE!" (how I THOUGHT I was supposed to be relative to the outerworld, anyway.) I learned to stop saying "This is what we're supposed to do/ I need to make sure I do this/ AH I"m behind because I'm not like this yet" and checking in with myself to see what I need and what MY wellbeing demands of me e.g. what am I so insecure about, why am I feelinf worried, why did that particular thought make me feel that way? And then answering my First and Foremost Responsibility to MYSELF as a Human Being with Worth and Value simply for being alive (Yes such creatures exist and You yourself can glimpse one if you stroll on over to your bathroom and look in the mirror and say "Crikey! That's a Rare one right there, mate!" (excuse my corniness)) and taking the steps that I needed to help me calm back down, be comforted, and to assure that whatever was troubling me wasn't what I thought it was.
That day I stopped in the middle of my Tangent and had a moment of stillness and asked myself: Ok well... What are you asking from me?
(Yes I have conversations with myself sometimes... ok a lot I have conversations with myself a lot.)
And over a short time I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to be Happy.. and then I asked myself again: What is Happiness to you?
And after some contemplation I took out my journal and I wrote out: Happiness, to me, is being healthy.. mentally. Mental stability, emotional stability and physical stability. Happiness to me is being able to rise up in the A.M. and going through a whole day without having to feel fear, or being overwhelmed by excessive thoughts. Happiness to me is being able to feel Joy and Wellbeing and not having that tarnished by things I make up or come up with in my mind. Happiness for me is living in a healthy mind a healthy body and a healthy spirit. Happiness to me is knowing who I am and having that sense of security in my heart and mind and carrying that wherever I am. Happiness to me is saying Everything is Ok, Always. And being able to have faith in that fact without doubt or question. Happiness to me is having no fear or worry about in the world but for The Most Highs.
I paraphrased a good amount of that but the gist is still the same. What I wanted most at that time (and still now) was health and wellness and healing from the state I was in at the time, taking care of myself and making sure that I was ok first because I knew that whatever pretty things I managed to build and create on the outside, if my foundation, if my own Wellbeing wasn't right it would all crumble straight to the ground and I'd get to dust myself off, and start again and have the chance to do it RIGHT this time.
So, tuning out all the irrelevant outer views of what Happiness SHOULD be, what is happiness to you? TRULY?
A few months ago when things were at their most challenging--life has the tendency to come with a lot of those
brings a small smile to my face to know that fact--I was bombarded with a whole lot of thoughts as I most often was at the time and still am sometimes during those very normal, very human moments that my grip slips and my little feet get to stumbling. I was sweeping salt off the floor of my mother's living room (I'd SAY this wasn't normal, to maybe try to save face but no no... this is very very normal to my unusual little self -- I salt my house every now and again to neutralize the negative/nervous energy that builds up when many people with many mixing and changing energies stank it up after a little while) and my mind was racing from one topic to the next trying to wrangle up what I'm supposed to be doing with my life.My thoughts yanked me from one extreme to another about what I'm supposed to be achieving to assure that I was being sufficiently 'Useful' with my existence. (Self worth and Value was a summit I've often had the pleasure of having to climb,--fall down--dust my shoulders--thank my Creator--and get right back up to climbing this past year.. Although don't get me wrong the Lord knows I threw in my own little spins of fun here and there to keep things interesting like; Whining, Agonizing, Tantruming, Very nearly giving up, questioning my capability, questioning my capability.... and questioning my capability
But I've found that exposure to discomfort and struggle can be a beautiful thing if you stick around long enough and love yourself enough to open your heart to what it's all trying to teach you. Life isn't THAT cruel... she's just very VERY no BS when it comes to her teachings.'Dang, Mama why you gotta be so rough??'
Anyway, in the middle of all that hodgpodge and stressing and ruminating over what I SHOULD be doing, I started actually LOOKING at everything I was listing off (Or rather rapid firing straight into my brain one pellet after the other) and I started picking up a recurrent theme in all of them: None of it made me happy.
Everything was just stuff I thought people would expect from me, what people HAVE expected from me:
Go to school
Get a good job
Make sure you're earning a decent compensation
Learn about this
Learn about that
Blah Blah Blah
While yes true SOME.... SOME of that stuff (The stuff I didn't list down) made very valid points I was (or rather my Father) redirected me right back to the same simple and ONLY relevant fact at the time: I needed to take care of MYSELF first.
Why was I so insistent on making sure I met Outside requirements/ Obligations to OUTER society when I hadn't even taken the time to nurture my own needs? I had near paick attacks every day, why was I emphasizing being 'good enough' for others? I didn't even know how to take care of and listen to my own deeper emotional needs and insecurities, why was I skipping over to meeting the financial bills that had no immediate effect on me? I constantly belittled berated and hated myself, mocking my own very REAL very VALID and very HUMAN vulnerabilities, why was I discarding my needs like a soiled handkerchief?
Over the past year I learned the importance of loving myself first, accepting myself, and not being so downright demanding of myself to "BE LIKE YOU"RE SUPPOSED TO BE!" (how I THOUGHT I was supposed to be relative to the outerworld, anyway.) I learned to stop saying "This is what we're supposed to do/ I need to make sure I do this/ AH I"m behind because I'm not like this yet" and checking in with myself to see what I need and what MY wellbeing demands of me e.g. what am I so insecure about, why am I feelinf worried, why did that particular thought make me feel that way? And then answering my First and Foremost Responsibility to MYSELF as a Human Being with Worth and Value simply for being alive (Yes such creatures exist and You yourself can glimpse one if you stroll on over to your bathroom and look in the mirror and say "Crikey! That's a Rare one right there, mate!" (excuse my corniness)) and taking the steps that I needed to help me calm back down, be comforted, and to assure that whatever was troubling me wasn't what I thought it was.
That day I stopped in the middle of my Tangent and had a moment of stillness and asked myself: Ok well... What are you asking from me?
(Yes I have conversations with myself sometimes... ok a lot I have conversations with myself a lot.)
And over a short time I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to be Happy.. and then I asked myself again: What is Happiness to you?
And after some contemplation I took out my journal and I wrote out: Happiness, to me, is being healthy.. mentally. Mental stability, emotional stability and physical stability. Happiness to me is being able to rise up in the A.M. and going through a whole day without having to feel fear, or being overwhelmed by excessive thoughts. Happiness to me is being able to feel Joy and Wellbeing and not having that tarnished by things I make up or come up with in my mind. Happiness for me is living in a healthy mind a healthy body and a healthy spirit. Happiness to me is knowing who I am and having that sense of security in my heart and mind and carrying that wherever I am. Happiness to me is saying Everything is Ok, Always. And being able to have faith in that fact without doubt or question. Happiness to me is having no fear or worry about in the world but for The Most Highs.
I paraphrased a good amount of that but the gist is still the same. What I wanted most at that time (and still now) was health and wellness and healing from the state I was in at the time, taking care of myself and making sure that I was ok first because I knew that whatever pretty things I managed to build and create on the outside, if my foundation, if my own Wellbeing wasn't right it would all crumble straight to the ground and I'd get to dust myself off, and start again and have the chance to do it RIGHT this time.
So, tuning out all the irrelevant outer views of what Happiness SHOULD be, what is happiness to you? TRULY?
