The Shakes

[janemariesayed]

. I cry because i miss my husband he passed 13 years ago right in front of me,I was leaning over to hold him well he stopped breathing,I feel like it is my fault he died. Everyone says it isn't but it still hurts.He took me down to the marina on Sat nights and Sunday mornings a lot,We use to get breakfast and eat it there. View attachment 50I am just trying to cheer you up with this pix

That is so very sad @XmasCarol52 It must have been awful to see your Husband die in front of your very eyes. Of course it isn't your fault. It is obvious that you couldn't have done anything, and I think it sounds like it was his time to go. You did your best for him, all the time he was alive you cared for him and you were beside him when he passed. Why don't you try going to these places on your own where he used to take you? I am sure your Husband would be overjoyed to see the same places you both used to go to ~ through your eyes! The reminiscing will make you feel closer to him and you may not miss him quite so much?

 

[Concernedgal]

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. I'm with janemariesayed here. It is not your fault. How could it be. God just decided it was his time is all. There is nothing anone can say or do to change gods will. You are a good person. I know that by the way you speak so gently to others. We have all been beat up by life. Please if anything, keep the faith and keep the hope in your life. Those things keep me going everyday. Those things are why I get out of bed every morning.

 

[XmasCarol52]

I wish that I had someone to take me to the Marina,they use to have at the park if you can believe this,a volcano which would make a lot of noise and you could see the smoke coming out of it.My husband and I were always talking about how cool it would be to see a car boat well one day we saw this car driving into the water it was so funny everyone was amazed by it. You are not suppose to go into the water but one day this kid jumped right into it,the fish are even jumping to get out of it it is so dirty. Right across the street was my favorite Dunkin Donuts.. they have closed since then.The closet i have been to the Marina in 13 years is on the pc i have looked up pix of it.. Every 4th of July they show fireworks Bob and I use to park outside the Marina to watch them. Well you are a good person yourself I can tell too.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Oh my husband had Parkinsons, I had to help take care of him because he had trouble walking and getting up. I miss him..I have his ashes with me which my kids gave me when he passed away along with a beautiful prayer candle right next to it.. I know it was his time but just before he died he felt ill and I told him I was going to call 911 and he said no if i did he wouldn't speak to me again so I didn't call maybe if I had he would have still been alive I don't know .He just stopped breathing.He passed 13 years ago on July 29th.However I do talk to him a lot It is a good thing he doesn't answer me other wise I would be in big trouble lol.Just asking are you feeling better today?

 

[Concernedgal]

Iam. Thank you for asking. And you know we all have a good days and our bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. I found myself feeling sorry for myself to be honest with you. But. What alot of people don't understand is that anxiety and depression involves hard core suffering, I mean real suffering. And you calling 911 may have made no difference at all. I don't understand alot about Parkinsons but, I still believe it may have made no difference. Ask yourself this. Would your husband want you to blame yourself? Would your husband want you to suffer on his behalf? From what it sounds like to me while he was still with you , it sounded like he done all he could to elevate your suffering. I'm married too ,but, I don't have that support. It's almost like he's mad at me for this. Mad at me for having depression and anxiety. But, it sounds to me like you guy was one of the good ones. He would want you to live a full happy life and suffer no longer on his behalf. There will always be , shoulda ,woulda, could of in life but, just know this you are a strong woman no matter what. And I know that 1 day the suffering will end and that you will once again enjoy a moderately anxiety free life. Moderately. Lol

 

[XmasCarol52]

I had just had a yelling attack because of this stupid computer it froze the sound was off which i never shut off.ugh Sorry but I was upset not now though good thing I could control my urge not to buy any thing.lol When I get upset I usually spend money .Well most of the time it is for my two grand kids i love them so much.The boy is 6 and the little girl is 4.No Bob would not want me to feel like this blame myself.I know he was having a very hard time getting out of bed that morning he was a heavy man but then again so am I lol I tried to lift him but I just couldn't besides he had congestive heart failure too.It just breaks my heart he never got to see his grand kids but I suspect he is watching over them now.I am so sorry your husband doesn't understand this is not your fault I was told it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.I usually say what brain?lol Seriously though I feel for you I really do ,well let me tell you something I will always support you and be here for you.I mean that too. I love helping people. It is always a pleasure to talk to you.Oh maybe this sounds korny I don't know but every night I look up towards heaven tell him I love him and then throw him a kiss.I wonder if he felt it??

 

[Concernedgal]

I'm here for you too. And I am sure he blow a kiss back too you.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Thanks you I am sure he did..

 

[XmasCarol52]

Just want to say God Bless and I do hope you have a nice and peaceful night.

 

[Concernedgal]

Hi carol. Today was even harder than yesterday and you being there for me meant alot. I thought of suicide again today. I'm tired of being sad and afraid of life. I was going to town with my husband today and I felt so detached and like it was just so unsafe to be out. I made it through but, I hated every minute of it. What can you say to a man that's unsupportive? Can't say pull over or let me out. I'm suffocating, help me please. !! I was in the shower shaving my legs and I looked at my razor and said to myself, (it would be so easy) but, then I thought about you and the group and said to myself (just because my husband doesn't understand doesn't mean that nobody does) but, sometimes you can feel lonely from this. That to me is the hardest part. .. the loneliness of it all. I need better help than what i'm getting because the paxel, and the SSRI medications are not helping. Hope i'm not bipolar like my dad. Deep in my heart though, let's face it, i'm too big of a coward to comic suicide. So don't worry. I will probably never do it.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Oh I am so sorry that you felt suicidal today.I am glad you didn't do it we need you here.I just met you and need you.You are such a kind and caring person.I wish someone could just knock some sense into your husbands head.Maybe you should give him a book to read about anxieties and depression,Now see my mom doesn't want to know anything about my mental illness you never guess why,because she is afraid she will catch it.I tried telling her you cannot catch it but it does no good. I would feel so bad if you did something to yourself ,I want to tell you something If I lived next to you I would come and sit with you when u r feeling down,i have done it before,if you needed to hold my hand or just a shoulder to lean on I would give it to you. You are a good person. There were times when my husband didn't understand me either especially when it was time to go out and I had to cancel sometimes he would ge tmad ,this is something we cannot help i mean we never did asks for this,I am bipolar ugh .It is awful.
I am like you I have felt like killing myself with what a plastic knife.Then I think of my kids and grand kids I cannot do it and like you I am a to afraid to kill myself,although there are some days when I wish I was dead. When I die I hope it is in my sleep.It is so hard when u don't get the support but like I said I am here for you always.unless I lose power or my pc breaks..I care about you so if your husband doesnt just know that you got someone who does care me.I just wish someone would take him aside and explain to him what you go through .. I am so sorry he treats you so bad.Your friend,love,carol xo

 

[Concernedgal]

While reading this , I felt friendship. You have become my friend too. When there are plans made, even if it's months in advance. I just don't know if I can do it. I secretly wish they would cancel so I won't have to feel guilty about not attending. And as far as your mom... catching a mental illness. ... lol. That's silly. With friends like you... there will always be a reason to live. I might divorce him if things don't change maybe if he understands it though , maybe I may get the support I need from him. Your friend, Michelle. My real name.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Hi Michelle I am Carol .I feel the same way they would just cancel it but now i just say I am postponing it sounds better cause you are anyway just changing it to another day,OH wait to you hear this one my doctor calls telling me i have to come n and see them duh I have told them a hundred times i cannot because I had no rides this is my regular doctor so guess what they did they went and called my son telling him I was ignoring them i had blood work done all they kept harping on was that my ultra sound showed something in my adomen well unless someone came to my apt when i was sleeping to do a ultra sound they made a huge mistake,and I told my son that but he got all upset so i called them when they weren't there that is when I usually call that way I don't have to deal or talk to them i don't do to good on the phone I yelled at them telling them they had no right to call my son and to scar him last night and further more I didn't even have ultra sound i know there is another woman who has my name perhaps it was her and told them when I am ready to come in I iwll on my time not theres can u imagine telling someone there ultra sound showed something and u did't even have anything done ? I was so angry..That is one reason why I hate doctors they never listen around here I told them if she wants to see me so much then come to my apt well you knew that wasn't going to happen.I got belly ache since yesterday it feels bloated and heavy around my naval.I have been tking equates version peptobismo .

 

[Concernedgal]

Dang. They did the same thing to me 1 time. I had blood work done and they called me back saying they found something. And when I was in the office waiting for my results. .. they were reading my file to me and i had the same name as the other person except our first names were spell different, mine was" michelle" and hers was " michele" this of course was a relief to me of course but, what are the odds? You knw what I mean? And your right about 1 thing... they had no right to bring your son into this. It was between you and the doctor. What a low blow. . You are a human being, you can do whatever the heck you want. If you don't want to come in then you don't have to. I just wish people would leave people like us alone and try to understand that some days you can do it, and some days you can't. It not there choice how we live our lives, its ours

 

[XmasCarol52]

Good point i feel the same way I hate it when people push us.Why can't they just see that some day we cannot do anything,Sometimes I have that awful anticapority for a couple of months before an appointment then i have to cancel because I start to shake from it and u know what i do cancel I feel 100% better. Here they wont give me my meds after a certain amount of time because i hav e to see them and i have talked these peoples ears off telling them i cannot come in because of my phobia or no rides they just will not listen.That is why I hate doctors so much they say they understand about our illness when clearly they dont.and it just isnt fair.

 

[Concernedgal]

If they had to live it , they would understand better. You remember that exederine headache medicine Comercial of the woman who gave her mom a virtual reality thing and made her see what it was like to have a migraine. I wish they had an accurate program to show people first hand how it feels . Then they wouldn't be so dismissive about what we go through.

 

[XmasCarol52]

I don't believe I ever saw that commercial,I got a idea to bad we cannot tape ourselves when we are suffering so.Then u could show your husband me with my doctors. If only we could

 

[Ellen]

I can remember shaking so bad that it actually felt like my insides were moving - like my entire stomach area. The shakes are very very scary. -- Carol - I love your "may God be with you" drawing. How many times have we called on God over the years to help us? I would say for me - probably about one million.

 

[Concernedgal]

If only we could. Your preaching to the q

I don't believe I ever saw that commercial,I got a idea to bad we cannot tape ourselves when we are suffering so.Then u could show your husband me with my doctors. If only we could

If only we could you are preaching to the choir sister. Lol. I'd have to get him to care enough to watch.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Hi honey shaking is the pits especially when it effects your walking like your legs collapse I did fall a few times from the shaking it is awful Glad u like my pix me I pray every single day and night .It gets bad when u feel like jumping out the window,last week it was so bad I was up all night just could not fall asleep I went from the couch to my chair to the bed to the chair again back to the couch nothing,