Just Who Is To Blame?

[janemariesayed]

Who do you blame for your current mental state? Do you blame anyone at all? For me, being a product of incest and the child abuse that I suffered for so many years, pushes me to blame my parents and the adults who were placed in authority over me.

Then I realise that it goes deeper than that. They did to me wrong things because of their own mental state. So I could say I should blame their parents, and their parents before them and so on.

Or should I blame society or the Government? Should I put blame on someone else? Should I be looking to put blame on someone else? If I do, that means that I surely am a victim. If I can't blame someone else, then I would think that the abuse was my fault.

It is hard to forgive and forget the past when it affects you on a daily basis. Yet, if my parents and others who have done wrong to me and made me into a victim, are victims themselves, then I should work at forgiveness at each level.

Something deep inside me, though, is that I am still angry at the ones directly above me in the chain of wrong doing. I feel I want justice but know I will never get it.

I always say that forgiveness is not agreeing with the wrong doing, but moving on from it. Not thinking about it. Yet, I find that impossible because I have symptoms that I struggle with each day because of it. I can't go back ten thousand years and punch the original perpetrator in the face and have it out with him.

Then again, I am a relatively recent convert to believing in reincarnation and karma. So maybe, I should be blaming myself?

 

[Alex]

Maybe try to look at it as 'reasons' rather than blame, because often I find if we 'blame' we vindicate ourselves and resent. My issues stemmed from my mother and the fact I was a mistake and she told me I ruined her life, and her favoritism towards my younger brother. She never liked me and had no interest in me, and that rejection continued all of my life. I learned to accept I cannot change how she feels,and a therapist advised me to change how I perceived things as in it is her loss and not mine.

Do I blame her? Yes and no, because I also see she was too rejected by her mother (left by a river to die as she was not a male), so at times someone needs to break the cycle or try. I try to look at it as a reason for why she behaved as she did and how things turned out, but don't wish to 'blame' because I don't think it was intentional, but how her reaction and choices affected my life. Maybe that is the same for you @janemariesayed ?

While we can see the reasons for why things occurred, that is also the lesson others need to learn and to ensure it doesn't get repeated. That's humanity and life where few things are perfect, and what is perfect? Is society to blame for creating unrealistic notions or for allowing certain behaviors as acceptable?

 

[janemariesayed]

Resenting is exactly what I am doing. Perhaps my therapist will encourage a change in my perception.

I'm sorry your Mother treated you that way. It certainly seems that it was instilled in her from an early age and it was just the way she thought. What I don't get is why my adopted Mother chose me out of that playground to take home and become part of her family. (She was the dinner lady at my school.) When she was so obviously against me because I had come from a children's home. She used to call me 'didicoi'. I didn't know what it was or meant, but I knew it wasn't nice. I would like to understand that. I want to understand as well, why my biological Mother and family (a few of them) want to know me when they make it obvious that I am a bad reminder of the incest situation. They treat me with a blank hostility. So reading your post, I realise that understanding the reasons behind people's behaviour may be the key to recovery, forgiveness, and healing.

Thankfully, the chain of events has stopped with me as I never had children. I wonder what kind of mother I would have been. I always wanted a family of my own and strived for that, but it was not my destiny. It hurts and at times I have had a right go at God because of the unfairness of it. I was always afraid that if I did have children, especially a daughter, that my Husband would end up sexually abusing her. Silly really, and it probably would have been fears unfounded, but I used to think that things happen in threes. First, my biological Mother was incestuous with her own father, then my adopted father with me, so I had it in my head for years that it would happen as well to my daughter.

 

[Alex]

@janemariesayed I know it can be hard and it seems as those involved with you had a tough time as well, but didn't have support or cope that well. You can't help your existence, and while it may upset others those are their issues to deal with, guilt and the rest of it. In many ways they were victims too, so while it doesn't make it easier for you, victims that have no support struggle and those who depend on them will be confused as you are.

Both my parents had rejection from a parent and I saw their resentment, but I tried to make them look beyond that. I understand how they were hurt, but denying me grandparents because they hated them, was that right? I often say in my own writings that once you have understood and accepted what has happened, you learn from it in this life and it enables you to help others that you see who maybe going through the same thing, but didn't have the support you did. You can give them what you didn't have, and that in time could heal and give you a purpose?

 

[janemariesayed]

This is why I am looking forward to my therapy in a positive light. I consider that part of healing is forgiving those we feel have wronged us. Yet to forgive, we need to understand why the events occurred in the first place. As well as moving on from the past, I need to heal with the side effects. I am sure I have PTSD, not just from what happened in Egypt but also for the abuse I went through for twenty years. Long term stress. My stepdad, though, surely knew that what he was doing was wrong. He knew the term pedophile and must have realised that he was one himself. The others who sexually abused me as well, they knew what they were doing was wrong. They have wounded me and at 53 I am still having symptoms. I'm still sick, sick in the head I know, but sick all the same. I wonder if they are still sick? I am sure, as my therapy moves on, (still waiting for it to start) that I will begin to heal. That is when the forgiveness will start I know. I'm just going with the flow of things at the moment. Believing in reincarnation and karma is helping at the moment. Because of my beliefs, I feel smug because I think they will get their come uppance they deserve. Whereas, I also know, that when I am healed, I will feel different towards them. Instead, I will feel sorry for them and wish for them to be healed. It is when I reach that point that I will know that my vibes are truly raised and I will be at peace with myself and all those around me.

 

[Alex]

Forgiving can be hard, because as much as we wish to sometimes it just doesn't happen. Someone once said to me have I really forgiven and I said I had, but deep down there was a small part of me that was still angry. Right now as both of my parents are ill (one is gravely ill, and the other feels guilty that they can't do anything) it has helped me to forgive them, as I can see their flaws and vulnerable side. Now they are depending on me, so while I did 'suffer' as a child, holding resentment towards a man on his deathbed and a woman who is broken isn't going to help anyone.

I do hope the therapy helps, but remember it takes time and sometime you may hear things you don't wish to, or to admit things that you would rather forget. That's the tough part of therapy as you can never decide how a session will go or how you will respond.

 

[janemariesayed]

You are so right @Alex and I am pretty scared about my upcoming therapy. I believe though that it is the only way I will begin to heal. There are so many stories of historical abuse on the news lately, and these people are adults now. They are still suffering. They have never forgotten and they are older than me. I shed a few tears this morning when I heard an old man tell how he was abused as a child in a children's home. I realised that I am never going to forget those things. I am hoping that the therapy will at least help me to deal with it.

Someone who is closely related by blood to me claimed that she was abused and she tried to take it to court. They didn't believe her and he went home a free man. What I don't get is that she told me her life was great and had been great. She also has a steady job, her own house, in a very steady relationship, her own business as well as her job, lots of friends. She is slim and looks fantastic. Holidays abroad and a great social life. She drives a brand new car and even her garden is perfect. She really does have a perfect life. I don't see any signs of the long term rape that she was claiming. Not one.

My biological Mother also, she had a steady job, beautiful large home, fantastic garden, two cars, lots of friends, great social life, holidays abroad every two months, a stable marriage. Both of them are popular and don't have a minute to spare for me. Yet both of them were apparently raped. My Mother even getting pregnant with me from her apparent rape.

I don't get it. I have suffered like them too so why isn't my life great and wonderful like theirs? That's what I want from my therapist. I want to be able to go for that kind of life too. If I had of stood up in front of that judge he would have given a different judgment I'm sure. He would have seen a woman with two failed marriages. Lives alone doesn't go out, suffers flashbacks, has little or no friends, cries a lot, suffers panic attacks and the rest of it.

I want to know how to be ignorant and cold hearted ******* like them. Even so, I would still never be like them. I like that I care, that is a great quality to have.

 

[Rosyrain]

Reading these posts made me so sad, and I am sorry you had to go through the childhood traumas that you did. Unfortunately you can't pick your parents, but you can take what you have learned and experienced in life to make the world a better and safer place for other kids.

I had a friend who was abused sexually as a child and as we were sitting at the park with our kids one day, she said that the abuse stopped with her, meaning that she was over protective of her kids so that she could make sure nothing bad happened to them. It was so touching to me.

 

[Alex]

@janemariesayed no one will ever know how they truly feel, but it appears that they decided not to let the abuser 'win' and fought to live her life.

She drives a brand new car and even her garden is perfect. She really does have a perfect life. I don't see any signs of the long term rape that she was claiming. Not one.

It's hard to say someone's life is perfect as you never know really what it's like behind closed doors. I have a friend who is a millionaire and she looks as if she has the perfect life. After spending time with her at home as a guest, her life is far from it but from her social media posts and how she looks to others it is. Try not to compare yourself, and while I know that is hard, each of us deals with things differently.

What is perfect to you may not be to others.

That's what I want from my therapist. I want to be able to go for that kind of life too.

Can I tell you now, that this won't be possible. Your therapist is a guide to help you to heal, but they can't do it for you. I would hate you to go in with such high expectations and get disillusioned.

 

[Concernedgal]

It's hard to move on from trauma. Sometimes it's not possible. When I was a little girl my father would beat my siblings and I after coming home late from drinking and cheating on my mother. A couple of years ago my father almost cut his leg off from a tree cutting accident. My siblings and I went to the emergency room because we were all under the empression that he was dying because we were told so. He called us all in his room 1 at a time I didn't really know what was going on. 1by 1 my siblings would exit the room crying. Then it was my turn.. . He's was apologizing for the way he was towards us when I was a child. So I looked at him straight faced while he cried , I had no emotion. I couldn't react. I didn't forgive him. I just couldnt.my point is your angry like I am. It's my opinion that if you were offered an apology then you might not except. You need closure. Have you confronted your mother with this? As hard as this is , it's my opinion that you need to demand answers. You really do. I think that would at least be the beginning of your healing. And lastly.. your only a victim if you allow yourself to be. And thank the Lord that your physically healthy . Glass half full . Think about glass half full. Think of the good things in your life instead .

 

[Decentlady]

@janemariesayed never judge a book by its cover. Truly, if cars, big house, job and good figure were all that was needed for a peace of mind, only beggars would be fighting the World Wars.

The truth is far from that. A human being needs sanity and that comes with mental peace. When mental isdues are resolved by "reasoning" and not "blaming" that's when you can sleep peacefully.

Blaming others only drags you to more resentment and bitterness. That's not what you need. You need to understand that one will reap what they sow. So, it is futile to blame others for your present condition.

You are a human being, an individual just like anyone else regardless of whose sperm and ovum's result that was.

Focus on your life. Make it better. Live in present. Struggle to achieve all that you wish. Stop wasting time for things which ultimately are irreversible. That is how you too can be happy, loving and successful. I pray for your mental peace dear.

 

[Alex]

You need closure

I think this seems to be the important thing, and getting closure is different for us all. Even if someone does apologize can you forgive them and move on? If not then you won't get closure. Anger is one thing, blame is another and while we are entitled to blame at times, we must remember others are human and flawed too. That does not excuse them, but they too must learn.

I watch my father helpless in hospital right now as I feed him, and I recall the times he was cruel to me, but that has past. He says he was young and didn't know, and it's true he and my mother were probably ill equipped to be parents, but few people are. I hope your therapy helps, but you need to take small steps and a lot of soul searching before you can get closure.

 

[janemariesayed]

Really it is true that my biological Mother and the other one in my family are very happy. At least that is the front that they put on. One is a cheerleading coach with a packed out social life. She is very happy indeed and professes that she has always had a great life. Yet she claims that she was raped. Also, my Mother raped. I just want to be like them, and not let it get to me. I don't understand how they were both repeatedly raped yet have it all? They don't show, and have never shown any kind of symptoms that abuse causes. What I want to know is how did they do it? Or rather, how do they do it? How do they trust? How do they enjoy a packed out social life? How do they manage to complete projects? How do they never show any kind of depression or anxiety? It is very rare indeed to go through repeated rape and not show any signs of trauma. Yet here there are two in just one family. What I'm saying is that I want to be like them. I've suffered trauma as well, so why can't I deal with it like they do?

My biological Mother says she was raped repeatedly, but I have heard a different story to that, and so have others heard a different story to that. So, my thinking is that she was not raped but wanton. The other female who claimed repeated rape, couldn't find any witnesses. The two witnesses that she tried to get said they had seen nothing. She even tried to get me as a witness even though I didn't ever spend even one night in the same house as her. Three of us think she was lying. Her accused came into some money, quite a bit apparently and it was thought that she was after that money in compensation.

Mostly, people who have had a stable upbringing, are able to lead the kind of life that I am talking about. A stable upbringing allows a person to trust. A stable upbringing allows a person to enjoy work, enjoy a social life. Enjoy the outdoors. Whereas, abuse victims at least have a time where they need to get over the ordeal and heal.

I don't know what is in their head, or how they feel inside. but the fact that they were truly abused is debatable.

Mostly people who have suffered trauma in their lives suffer certain symptoms as a result. At least one, not none.

I don't know if I blame them, I don't know if I blame anyone. But I do know that I am angry, hurt, traumatised and still suffer symptoms decades later. I don't want a great social life because I have a problem with trust. I don't want to go out because I'm scared, I'm a bit agoraphobic. I have bad dreams, flashbacks, panic attacks. Even more, the way that I think and feel because of the abuse. Even my work coach said to me that I needed to go and get help. I begged to differ with him because I just wanted to work. But he told me, that he gets many people saying that they are depressed to just get signed off on the sick when they are not really. He told me that although I wasn't admitting it he could tell my state of mind as he was a qualified psychiatrist. He was right, though, and I do appreciate his honesty.

I never had children, despite trying so hard to. If I had of had any, I would have been quite protective of them too. Even moreso, I would have been aware of the symptoms so I would have done something about it.

I am never going to get any apologies for what happened to me. I also won't seek any legal justice either. As my original post on this thread was saying. Just who is to blame, ultimately? We can't put the blame on anyone. Even if we are angry with them. The blame goes right back throughout generation upon generation. It is impossible to blame. Knowing this does help towards forgiveness.

Believing in reincarnation, I tend to think that I have done things in previous lives that warrants the trauma's that I have been through. Therefore, it is myself that I need to work on forgiving, not anyone else really.

 

[Alex]

Believing in reincarnation, I tend to think that I have done things in previous lives that warrants the trauma's that I have been through. Therefore, it is myself that I need to work on forgiving, not anyone else really.

At times I see reincarnation as a means to explain things possibly and it gives me a small amount of comfort even if it's not all sun and roses. People will perceive things differently even in the same situation, for instance my brother and I will recount the same incident differently perhaps in terms in how it affected us.

Apologies are words, and sometimes they aren't genuine, so where does the buck stop? Do you question whether an apology is genuine or not, if not then what? I see some bitter older people and it's no way to live. My neighbor has a friend who is full of bitterness and resentment and no one wants to be in her company; a lesson not to end up like that!

 

[janemariesayed]

There isn't any bitterness in me thankfully. I feel terribly sad, though. I wish that anyone who hurt someone could say sorry - and mean it, but that just doesn't happen. At times, when I have spoken to the universe, I have felt genuinely sorry for my wrong doings. I've said sorry to the universe and been repentful. This doesn't help anyone I may have hurt, though, either in a past life or this life.

I'm kind of glad that I believe in reincarnation. It has helped me to realise that however long it takes to recover from things in this life, that I can still work towards healing and will at least help me in the next. It has also helped me to realise that I may be responsible for some of my woes. Thirdly, it has helped me understand that those who have done me wrong, will receive their own karma. Just as I may be receiving karma rightly due to me for my wrong doings in past lives.

I never used to believe in karma because how could I be at fault as a new born baby. But when the reincarnation comes into play, it is understandable why some of us are suffering from an innocent age. I also realised that death doesn't exist. I was suicidal and believing in reincarnation has helped me to stay in the life! Purely because I understand that I will only get born again with the same kind of problems. It urged me to sort out my problems. To make myself ready for my next life.

I feel that in this life, I have not been able to function at my full potential because of my mental state. I am hoping, really hoping that reincarnation is true, because if it is, I'm really looking forward to the next life.

 

[Allenafaith]

I blame my rapist and my parents. When I was 11, it happened to me. I was also bullied in school really bad. I ended up leaving school in 8th grade to homeschool. I graduated a year early, but I never had friends. My mom wouldn’t let me talk to anyone or go anywhere with anyone. I was always at home alone every single day until they got home from work and ever since then, I’ve been socially awkward, I don’t like talking on phones with important people, and I find my depression coming back quite often as soon as I get better. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “normal”

 

[Claraviolet]

Honestly, I blame no one now. I used to blame one of my family members and they are responsible for me developing the anxiety but now they have changed.
I can't keep on blaming them now and I really don't want them to revert back. I have to forgive them for not at all supporting me and to ignore me.
Still, I should have been stronger. It's not like I came across too many traumas but naturally I am sensitive and small stuff added up and before I know it, I developed a complex, anxiety and OCD. Now, I have been trying to change myself with no result at all. It's easy to blame others but hard to accept ourselves. I am trying to accept myself and make my family accept me for who I am. I want them to accept me.

Otherwise, I wouldn't know why I have to continue living. So, instead of blaming....I would like to move forward.

 

[snowpiercer]

I don't blame, and I have to focus on getting better.
anyone anymore. I used to. At this point, whoever or whatever is irrelevant