I Had A Dream Last Night.

[Concernedgal]

I'm

I don't love myself very much either. I've been brought up to believe that I don't deserve good things. I was taught that I should be punished just for existing. So I have grown up not loving myself. I've always put others before myself and been really considerate. Not that it has ever done me any good. It bothers me in a depressive way that others (some) can be so selfish.

Don't hate yourself @Concernedgal because in your dream you liked who you were. But you don't like who you are now. In time things will get better and hopefully, you will begin to see that you are very likable. You come across as a nice kind of person.

Can I give you a challenge? Will you write down a list? On a piece of paper draw a line down the middle and title each collum. Once collum title 'Like' and the other 'Dislike', then under the 'dislike' title I want you to put down what you don't like about yourself. Then, for each thing you don't like about yourself, think of one thing that you DO like about yourself and list them under 'likes'. So if you find 5 things about yourself that you don't like, your challenge is to find 5 things about yourself that you do like.

I bet you start to think of all your good points, and you can write them down too. When you read back your list to yourself I think you should feel proud of yourself to have grown up to be a good woman of morals and values. For Sure!

I'm gonna be super honest with you right now. I love my husband but, he seems to be the common denominator in all my problems. I've tried to leave before but, he would threaten suicide. Now i'm stuck or he takes his own life. It's just that simple. I can't live with that on my concious.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Oh my God that is a heavy thing to put down on you,to kill himself he if you leave him,suppose just for the sake of saying you didn't love him anymore or you didn't get along then what,.I hate it when my mom says she knows of ways to kill her self she doesn't say kill she just says ways of doing it,However I know what she means,do you think he would really do it?THat is a lot of pressure to put on you. I know it cannot be easy for you,I am so sorry you have to live like this.

 

[Concernedgal]

I do. He had the gun in his hand last time. Needless to say my life has been in a downward spiral since. It's a form of blackmail. I tell him all the time i'm not happy. I constantly try to make him mad enough at me to want to leave himself. All I know is that I don't lie to the man . I constantly tell him i'm not happy. This is truly emotional blackmail. Makes you wonder .... does he really love me or is it control he craves?

 

[XmasCarol52]

He sounds like he demands your attention or you know what,No man has any right to control a woman sick or not sick.Men can be such jerks at times.. It is a shame that you have to live this way,i feel for you i really do,if we were neighbors I would come and sit with you and maybe we could help each other out.

 

[janemariesayed]

I'm

I'm gonna be super honest with you right now. I love my husband but, he seems to be the common denominator in all my problems. I've tried to leave before but, he would threaten suicide. Now i'm stuck or he takes his own life. It's just that simple. I can't live with that on my concious.

Gosh, it sounds like he needs help as well. If he loved you he wouldn't want you to stay if you wanted to leave. He sounds very insecure which is such a shame. It sounds like he craves control rather than loves you. You are right, it is emotional blackmail. What are his insecurities? If you could help him get to the bottom of them then you could end up being happy in your marriage.

 

[Concernedgal]

He's seven years older than I am that might have something to do with it. Maybe he thinks he's my father or something. I guess my part of it is , I never really had a father and when he came along maybe I thought it was love when it wasnt. It kunder of sickens me to say but, I think I married my father figure.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Oh dear lord I hope he doesnt think that way.Years shouldnt really matter when you love someone that is all that should matter.I dont mean to hurt your feelings but maybe it is time for him to grow up he needs to understand that your illness is very real and not something you just made up in your head i wish we could get all of these non believers to read up on our mental illness's.

 

[Concernedgal]

Could he be the reason for this mental illness ? Or is it just coincidence? Could years of feeling unsafe and insecure be the reason? You see everything was practically perfect before himand I got married. Why do things all of the sudden change after marriage? Why do men stop showing there love for you? So many questions with no answers. And most of all... Why do I even care so much?

 

[janemariesayed]

He's seven years older than I am that might have something to do with it. Maybe he thinks he's my father or something. I guess my part of it is , I never really had a father and when he came along maybe I thought it was love when it wasnt. It kunder of sickens me to say but, I think I married my father figure.

Seven years isn't really that much of a difference in years. You are not a generation apart, he couldn't have fathered you at seven years old. Many relationships are couples who are around 5 years age difference and I think that is considered normal. It isn't like you are 15 or 20 years difference in age. You would have both experienced similar things in your peripheral lives like music, gadgets news etc. I don't think there is much gap in your ages.

You care so much because you do love him. You married him and you must have loved him at some point. Both men and women sometimes feel that they don't have to try any more when they get married. If you want things to be different, why not try to change it yourself?

Perhaps you could make a special evening for the two of you to bring back some spice to your relationship? Go out on a date. Do something that you used to enjoy doing together. I don't know what his mental illness is but if he was threatening to take lives if he lost you means there is a fear of losing you in his mind. I'm not sure if this is because he truly loves you or if he is just afraid of being alone.

 

[janemariesayed]

Good idea but, I can't help but wonder if my former self was telling me to leave my husband or not. Maybe subconsciously my former self is telling me to.

Was he in your dream? Your dream was yourself looking at who you are today and feeling ashamed. You told yourself to look at who you are today. Yes, you are a wife but if it was a dream telling you to leave your hubby the dream would have been different. Marriage isn't shameful. But not working at a marriage can at times be considered as shameful. Maybe the two of you could go to marriage counselling together. It could help you both to bring back the love you once had.

If your dream was about your marriage, it would be saying to you to sort it out.

 

[Concernedgal]

Seven years isn't really that much of a difference in years. You are not a generation apart, he couldn't have fathered you at seven years old. Many relationships are couples who are around 5 years age difference and I think that is considered normal. It isn't like you are 15 or 20 years difference in age. You would have both experienced similar things in your peripheral lives like music, gadgets news etc. I don't think there is much gap in your ages.

You care so much because you do love him. You married him and you must have loved him at some point. Both men and women sometimes feel that they don't have to try any more when they get married. If you want things to be different, why not try to change it yourself?

Perhaps you could make a special evening for the two of you to bring back some spice to your relationship? Go out on a date. Do something that you used to enjoy doing together. I don't know what his mental illness is but if he was threatening to take lives if he lost you means there is a fear of losing you in his mind. I'm not sure if this is because he truly loves you or if he is just afraid of being alone.

Oh no . You misunderstood. I meant father figure . Not my actual father. You see I never really had a father so, i'm thinking that since there is such an age difference maybe it's the fact that he used to be good to me and look at er me. And maybe I mistaken love for the love love of how much he cared.

 

[Concernedgal]

Was he in your dream? Your dream was yourself looking at who you are today and feeling ashamed. You told yourself to look at who you are today. Yes, you are a wife but if it was a dream telling you to leave your hubby the dream would have been different. Marriage isn't shameful. But not working at a marriage can at times be considered as shameful. Maybe the two of you could go to marriage counselling together. It could help you both to bring back the love you once had.

If your dream was about your marriage, it would be saying to you to sort it out.

Nope. He wasn't present in my dream. I'm going to talk to him about the dream. See what his opinion is.

 

[janemariesayed]

Oh no . You misunderstood. I meant father figure . Not my actual father. You see I never really had a father so, i'm thinking that since there is such an age difference maybe it's the fact that he used to be good to me and look at er me. And maybe I mistaken love for the love love of how much he cared.

I know you meant 'father figure' @Concernedgal and what I meant to say is that if he was twenty years older than you, for example, then perhaps you could think that you look at him as a father figure. But as your hubby is around your age then I don't think you are looking at him 'subconciously' as a father figure. I don't think 7 years difference is very much. My first husband was 6 years younger than me, and my second husband 5 years younger than me yet they weren't 'toy boys'. A toy boy would have been about twenty or more years younger than me. I think it works the other way around too. For your husband to have been a father figure, I think he needs to be at least 20 years older than you.

I am beginning to understand though. Maybe subconsciously you were looking up to him and putting him on a fatherly pedestal. even though there is no need to feel that you are with a man so many years your senior. He isn't really that many years older than you. He is of the same generation, he is of the age where he could have been an older brother rather than a father. But still, you look up to him.

You may depend on him, but he depends on you too. If you can both be there for each other then you both have the ingredients for a fantastic marriage.

I think it is a great idea to tell him about your dream. I still don't think your dream was about him though. I think it was a dream telling you to work at healing your mental illnesses. I hope you can sort things out with your hubby. Good luck.

 

[Concernedgal]

That's a good point on all of it. We talked about my dream last night and i had figured out that I don't hate him... I think I hate marriage. I got married at such a young age and I thought at the time it was the right thing to do. You see he's the only man i've ever"been with". So I guess as a Christian women. . I felt some sort of obligation to do it. I bet that what it is.

 

[janemariesayed]

That's a good point on all of it. We talked about my dream last night and i had figured out that I don't hate him... I think I hate marriage. I got married at such a young age and I thought at the time it was the right thing to do. You see he's the only man i've ever"been with". So I guess as a Christian women. . I felt some sort of obligation to do it. I bet that what it is.

I am so very glad that you have spoken with him about your dream. Even better that you realise you don't hate him. Stay with him and work at it, you will appreciate it when you are old and grey and think back over the lives you have led together. Marriage isn't easy as you know, but if he is the only man you have ever known, keep it that way. That is where the true love comes in. When you have been through trials and tribulations together and come through the other end. It sounds like a marriage worth saving to me. Well done for what you have achieved and what so few have managed.

Ever since you started this thread I see your words 'I had a dream last night' and it reminds me of the song by Patsy Cline. I've finally given way and instead of singing it, I found it on Youtube! I've just sung along with it much to the enjoyment of my dog Loopyloo (in the avatar pic) who started barking along with me!