Ashamed to me

[Concernedgal]

When I think about my anxiety and depression and all the things, activities, and life that i've avoided. I simply feel ashamed of myself. I feel guilty when I can't do simple things like getting in a car and going for a ride, going to the store and sometimes getting up and doing around the house. Why can't I enjoy life anymore? Why can't I ride in a car without my heart palpitations and difficult breathing. I think of my family, I think of my friends and I cry because they remember who I was before and I can't be that person for them anymore. Whatever happened to that confident out going girl I used to be? I miss that girl. My family deserves better than who I am now. At 17 I had a panic attack. .. and I have never been the same since.

 

[Alex]

No need to feel ashamed, but I get how you feel that you may feel embarrassed. The thing is, many people go through the same thing but never talk about it or hide it with other things such as eating, or drinking. Many smokers hide behind a cigarette, and if the don't have one they have panic attacks. Now I'm not saying you should smoke as it doesn't solve the issue, but hides it.

Don't be too hard on yourself, and take things slowly. It sounds as if you are getting anxious about how others think about you. I too was in your shoes once, and I look back at who I was before, and it's okay that I'm not because deep down I know I am capable of doing those things again one day. I've withdrawn from some friends because I know some will not understand the healing phase I am in, but I have taken control and will initiate contact again when I am ready. Decide for yourself what path you wish to follow, and take very small baby steps and don't rush.

 

[Concernedgal]

My biggest anxiety trigger is being a passenger in a car. Last night before I wrote the thread. I suggested to my husband that we go to town. My goal was to look my fear in the eyes and say" I win"... but, before I entered the vehicle. . my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I chickened out. And I chicken out almost everytime. Wish this would resolve.

 

[Natasha0717]

Odd that you mention the age of 17. That was the age when I was, (believe it or not,) COMPLETELY NORMAL. I had problems before that, (my anxiety attacks began at the age of 12)....but then something happened at the age of 17 when I remember being completely normal. I'll just say it. I had it all. I was the most popular girl in school, a cheerleader, very outgoing, dating many guys, had lots of friends, no sleeping problems, no eating problems, I think my biggest worry was what to wear to school so I'd look my best. But then after high school, I slowly began switching back over to that scared 12-yr-old girl with constant fear and panic. It almost makes me wonder if all of the activities I was involved in (in high school) had a way of "normalizing" me....temporarily. So maybe start small. When it starts warming up outside, maybe get a bike and start going to more places, local places. You can't just "jump back into life" and try to be like you were when all was well. People like us with anxiety/underlying anxiety just aren't equipped to handle big changes. But we do surprisingly well with small ones. That's what I'm trying to do. I can't go out and work in the general public. But I like to work. So I work from home. If I just gave up on the whole idea, I wouldn't work at all. So working from home, is still work. It's a small change, from not working at all. To me, that's progress. That's how I deal with myself. When I like a guy, maybe I can't go into the store to talk to him. So instead, I just go into the store and smile at him. That's something. The alternative, is nothing. I keep reaching for the "somethings"....see what I mean? You can too.

 

[Concernedgal]

I get what your saying. I myself was substantiallyworst before I got my job ... 3 years ago. To me.. it was such a huge victory for me. That's the 1 thing I can say I have to be proud of. And the only thing that changed in my life when I was 17 is I got engaged the my now hubby of 13 years. Sometimes I wonder if there's a connection. I was never popular in high school , but, I was still happy. I used to go to the beach all the time and go anywhere and do anything I pleased without the worry of anxiety and panic. I don't have a license to drive. To afraid to learn. I'm 32 years old and have no drivers license. I remember back in kindergarten that I had what my mom called being severely shy. I made no friends and didn't involve myself in class I had to repeat kindergarten out of not being"emotionally ready" to go to 1st. I believe that was my first "run in " as us alabamians would say. Lol. With anxiety. Thinking back, it makes sense. Anyway. . You got a good point when you say "small steps" if anything , I 'm not a very patient person I want instant results everytime. Maybe if I cage my train of thought and learn to be more patient with my life and yes.. even myself. Maybe, things will start to get better for me. Thank you for your advice.