A Sad Bad Day. Needing Love And Hugs.

[janemariesayed]

My birth mother gave me up to a children's home when I was four years old and I never saw her again until two years ago. That is a massive 49 years that I didn't see my mom. Practically half a century.

Today should be a wonderful day as we are in touch again. But she is so evasive of me. She and my aunt were following me on Facebook which I noticed two years ago. I friended them both on Facebook and we met up. The meetings have been a bit strained, but they would never admit that it a million lifetimes. I tried to call her regularly to make the effort to get to know each other but she wouldn't answer the phone. Whenever we spoke afterwards she would tell me she didn't recognise the number and laugh.

That would upset me and eventually, I gave up trying to call her altogether. Now I wait for her to call me.

Mothers day has come around again and I sent her a choker necklace and a pretty card. I have very little money and she knows that yet I still go without gas heating and hot water for a week so I can send her a present. She called me this morning and she didn't even mention that she had received it. I asked her if she had got it in the end and she just said oh yes I got it. Not one word of thanks or sign of appreciation.

Her and my aunt said happy moms day to me too and then laughed and reminded me that I am not a mother. I replied with the fact that I have lost six babies and this day is a sad day for me and they both just said oh yeah in a 'couldn't care less' type manner.

I've not spoken with her since a few months and today's call from her to me only lasted 5 minutes and 31 seconds. Wow! What a mom to be proud of. How nice (sarcasm here) to have such a lovely chat with my mother! Do you think it's obvious she hates me or what?

 

[Snapdragon]

How you're mother is treating you does sound evasive and unkind, you do deserve better. She (and your aunty) definitely shouldn't make fun of you not being a parent, and to wave off your stresses like that is so selfish and cruel. It's any wonder you feel so upset about it all.

But yeah, I can empathize how you must feel about Mother's Day. Any kind of celebration about family can be triggering when you don't get along with them. Also the stress you've had in hopes of becoming a parent yourself must be difficult. It's a lot of grief to deal with.

It may not be good advice, but sometimes it can help to spend time with people you know that do care about you on these days. Hang out with friends or even your pets, and cherish time with them instead. Maybe even do something for yourself.

Whatever happens, know you still deserve to be loved. Don't let your mum make you feel worthless, it's her being the pain in the butt, not you. *hugs*

 

[AnxietyMuffins]

Maybe the guilt is making them awkward. They are shameful for treating you that way.

Sent from my Z963VL using Tapatalk

 

[Concernedgal]

Your mother has done a shameful thing and you are the reminder of it. She doesnt hate you.. she hates herself. She gave you up . She don't deserve you. It sounds to me like they are bad people. You are a kind and gentle person. And although your life has been tough.. it was gods will. They are bad people, I hate to say that but, they are. No matter the reason for what she did. You deserved better than what you got. I honestly can't understand why you keep trying with these people. Look at it this way, she didn't leave you... you left them. And I think that if your mother wants a relationship than you let here make the effort , her, not you . It is not your job to make the effort. From whatbi've heard so far I don't like this woman. I don't . I'm sorry if you don't like hearing that. This is her responsibility to fix things between you 2.

 

[janemariesayed]

Awww, thank you @Snapdragon @AnxietyMuffins & @Concernedgal I got to spend the day with my dogs who gave me plenty of hugs. We watched a doggie program where my puppy Carl sat with his eyes glued to the TV watching the dogs running about on it, (so sweet!). I had a quick coffee with a neighbour and a nice chat with my brother who said exactly the same thing as you guys.

I think I am going to take the advice of you all and not let it get to me. At least to try to not let it get to me. I feel bad though to just give them up and walk away and never have any contact again. The subject is sure to come up with my therapist but it will always hurt me. For sure forever it will hurt me. Because of going into a children's home I clung to the hope for the last half century to be reunited with my family but look at it. It is dysfunctional and sad. I don't know what it is to have a mother. At least not one that I read about or watch in films. It doesn't seem real. What is this thing that mothers and fathers are supposed to have? I mean this unconditional love that both parents are consumed with when they give birth? It's strange to me. I can't even grasp it from my own experiences. Not on the side of a daughter especially, but I do feel love and pain for the six babies that I lost. It pains me on mothers day to have lost them and I wonder what kind of a mother I would have been.

I know for certain, though, that I would have cared about my children. I would never have given them up. Not in a million years, not in a million lifetimes. I would have been there for them any day that they needed me. Any hour of the day or night. I would have supported them no matter what. Whether I agreed with what they did or not, I would have supported them and helped them through whatever.

It helps to learn that none of you like them. It makes me realise that it isn't just me. It isn't me imagining things and overreacting. Thanks for that - much needed and feeling a bit better today!

 

[Concernedgal]

Sometimes having tjem there though doesn't make much of a difference either. My mom had her head in the sand while my dad contantly cheated on her and my dad was a cheating basted that would get drunk cheat on my mom and then come home just to phyically abuse us. Everyone one at work asked me my i'm easily startled or why I hold my hand s in front of my face sometimes when they get too close. I never noticed stuff like that. To me... I guess it's just instinct. You never know, her giving you up might of been for the best. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I were given up.

 

[Decentlady]

We all react differently do different circumstances. I don't want to sound biased but I have often noticed that some people act differently from the outside but mean totally opposite from inside.

Like those who act like they don't give damn and laugh inappropriately are often people who are deeply guilty and have no other way of expressing their regrets.

If I were you I would not judge your mom for you don't know the reasons for her actions. Remember, and since you have experience motherhood in part, a woman when gets pregnant is already attached to the unborn baby with dreams of ger own.

It is very rare to hate the innocent child inside a womb and it is extremely heart tearing to part with the baby that you carried for 9 months!

Therefore, whatever her reasons were, try and see them. Half a century is a long time for the grief to resolve and for things to go normal overnight. Give her and yourself time before you jump to conclusions.

 

[janemariesayed]

My mom gave up four of her children. The last one, the baby of the family, she has kept beside her until now. Even though he is in his forties. I stayed with my Dad and Nana until I was four. My mom was very promiscuous in her early years and was living at home. She would sit on my/her Dads lap and entice him so she could have her own way to go out etc. In the end, although he admits he was wrong, he did the naughty deed with her and she got pregnant. He and my Nana were going to keep me but couldn't manage my Moms other children that she was having each year. They already had four youngsters living in the house and another three at the time was just too much. So they asked her to leave and find another place to live as they couldn't cope in the small two bed house they had. My Mom then went to the authorities and had me put into care. It was out of spite. My Nana was sexually abusing me before that so going into a children's home should have given me a respite against it all. My Aunty used to keep watch out of the window in case my Dad would come back and catch them abusing me. It was done to punish me for being the incest daughter of her husband. Till now, especially now, I see it still that I am a bad reminder of her past. I think my Aunty thinks I don't remember the abuse, but I do.

What gets me is they profess to have a great happy life. Holidays every two months, socialising in the various clubs they belong to makes them so busy as well. Post after post on Facebook of the happy carefree times they are having. I wonder why they were following me on Facebook? Why did it seem that they wanted to know me? If that was the case, how is it that she wont answert the phone when I call her, and only wants to talk with me for 5 minutes when she calls me. A cup of tea she broke off for. A cup of tea getting cold! She hasn't spoken to me for a couple of months already and it all makes me think that she dosent care. What kind of people give up their children?

If she has regrets, I'm not asking for her to molly-coddle me, but at least have a decent chat with me from time to time. The next time I get to chat with her will probably be the week before my birthday at the end of September. That will be a quick call as well, just to arrange to meet me for the day. I think it is all just face. An act 'look I see my daughter on her birthday'. But forget that I have a conversation and get to know her a little. It freally hurts. If they truly feel guilty then why not make the effort to find out how I am?

 

[XmasCarol52]

My birth mother gave me up to a children's home when I was four years old and I never saw her again until two years ago. That is a massive 49 years that I didn't see my mom. Practically half a century.

Today should be a wonderful day as we are in touch again. But she is so evasive of me. She and my aunt were following me on Facebook which I noticed two years ago. I friended them both on Facebook and we met up. The meetings have been a bit strained, but they would never admit that it a million lifetimes. I tried to call her regularly to make the effort to get to know each other but she wouldn't answer the phone. Whenever we spoke afterwards she would tell me she didn't recognise the number and laugh.

That would upset me and eventually, I gave up trying to call her altogether. Now I wait for her to call me.

Mothers day has come around again and I sent her a choker necklace and a pretty card. I have very little money and she knows that yet I still go without gas heating and hot water for a week so I can send her a present. She called me this morning and she didn't even mention that she had received it. I asked her if she had got it in the end and she just said oh yes I got it. Not one word of thanks or sign of appreciation.

Her and my aunt said happy moms day to me too and then laughed and reminded me that I am not a mother. I replied with the fact that I have lost six babies and this day is a sad day for me and they both just said oh yeah in a 'couldn't care less' type manner.

I've not spoken with her since a few months and today's call from her to me only lasted 5 minutes and 31 seconds. Wow! What a mom to be proud of. How nice (sarcasm here) to have such a lovely chat with my mother! Do you think it's obvious she hates me or what?

Your mom is awful how could a simple thank you and an I love you hurt.My kids do the same thing all the time every time I sent them something I have to asks if they got it then I have to wait for a thank you.I always say thank you when somebody gives me something whether I like it or not.I would never tell them that i didnt like it but it is just the thought that counts,Your mom I am sorry to say is mean.Thank you just two little words but they mean so much.Did I read that right u lost six babies?oh my god you poor woman.I can send u a hug if that helps any. Oh my god your aunt is just as bad as your mom. A simple I love you would be nice to hear to wouldn't it ? She should learn how to show u some compassion.Do you think because of your mental illness she treats you this way? I mean maybe she thinks u r crazy which is not true.Why can't people seem to realize that a mental illness is or can be just as bad as a physical one.In any case here is that hug i promised you.Hug

 

[janemariesayed]

Thank you for your hug @XmasCarol52 I think I am getting used to how my family treat me. I know they are wrong and that I deserve better, but such is life. Maybe I have deserved this life's torments because of how I have behaved in a previous life? Maybe it's my bad karma catching up with me. Who knows? I haven't forgiven them because I am still depressed because of it. Hopefully therapy will help me to move on. I should take more of a lesson from my two dogs and live in the present instead of the past! If only it were that easy.

The longer I get to know my family, the more I get to know them. I admit I'm not over keen on them and I think I'm better off keeping a bit of a distance, if I can. Thankfully I can revel in my relationship with my younger brother who I get on very well with. As long as I keep doing the right thing someone said to me recently. If I know that I'm doing the right thing then I don't have to feel guilty about anything.

 

[Onix]

You should stay away from those awful people.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Your mom is awful how could a simple thank you and an I love you hurt.My kids do the same thing all the time every time I sent them something I have to asks if they got it then I have to wait for a thank you.I always say thank you when somebody gives me something whether I like it or not.I would never tell them that i didnt like it but it is just the thought that counts,Your mom I am sorry to say is mean.Thank you just two little words but they mean so much.Did I read that right u lost six babies?oh my god you poor woman.I can send u a hug if that helps any. Oh my god your aunt is just as bad as your mom. A simple I love you would be nice to hear to wouldn't it ? She should learn how to show u some compassion.Do you think because of your mental illness she treats you this way? I mean maybe she thinks u r crazy which is not true.Why can't people seem to realize that a mental illness is or can be just as bad as a physical one.In any case here is that hug i promised you.Hug

oH NO I didnt lose 6 babies I was only knocked up twice i couldnt have anymore because I had toxima.My family thinks i have a screw loose that is not fair it is a mental illness we are not stupid

 

[janemariesayed]

Mental illness is grossly misunderstood. You would think that in today's modern society that there would be more tolerance and understanding. Our Princes in the UK have been promoting mental health issues recently which is fantastic news for us sufferers. Raising awareness should bring more understanding amongst those who have never suffered it.

It seems to me that non-sufferers think we are putting it on. They don't have a clue how we feel. I tend to think that they are ignorant and have no compassion.

 

[XmasCarol52]

That is so true about the non-suffers do we go around criticizing someone if they had a physical illness no they why put us down??? I am so sick of the idiots who think they know us but they do not.and show no compassion at all,i will tell u one thing people who have a mental illness i do find have the most compassion of all.I suppose it is because we hurt and we know how bad someone else feels when they hurt.

 

[janemariesayed]

Because they think that we are putting it on. Others think that we can just snap out of it and get our act together. They don't realise that we don't have a control over what is happening.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Ya I know snap out of it as if it would be so easy.Don't we wish.I wish I had a magic wound so i could cure anxieties or any mental illness for that matter

 

[janemariesayed]

I'm finding that there are more resources available than is being let on though. It took for me to contact the crisis team for things to get moving for me. I'm now waiting on EMDR treatment, whatever that is.

 

[Hope Matthew1128]

My birth mother gave me up to a children's home when I was four years old and I never saw her again until two years ago. That is a massive 49 years that I didn't see my mom. Practically half a century.

Today should be a wonderful day as we are in touch again. But she is so evasive of me. She and my aunt were following me on Facebook which I noticed two years ago. I friended them both on Facebook and we met up. The meetings have been a bit strained, but they would never admit that it a million lifetimes. I tried to call her regularly to make the effort to get to know each other but she wouldn't answer the phone. Whenever we spoke afterwards she would tell me she didn't recognise the number and laugh.

That would upset me and eventually, I gave up trying to call her altogether. Now I wait for her to call me.

Mothers day has come around again and I sent her a choker necklace and a pretty card. I have very little money and she knows that yet I still go without gas heating and hot water for a week so I can send her a present. She called me this morning and she didn't even mention that she had received it. I asked her if she had got it in the end and she just said oh yes I got it. Not one word of thanks or sign of appreciation.

Her and my aunt said happy moms day to me too and then laughed and reminded me that I am not a mother. I replied with the fact that I have lost six babies and this day is a sad day for me and they both just said oh yeah in a 'couldn't care less' type manner.

I've not spoken with her since a few months and today's call from her to me only lasted 5 minutes and 31 seconds. Wow! What a mom to be proud of. How nice (sarcasm here) to have such a lovely chat with my mother! Do you think it's obvious she hates me or what?

Hugs and utmost Love to you, beautiful @janemariesayed

I know it isn't enough saying this online. But my heart and soul empathize with your pain and hurt. I cry out to God with you. I think, you are very strong, brave and genuine Pearl has become of you in the long process.

You are a very kind and good person to be continuing your unreciprocated reaching-out to your elderly mother. I don't know why you'd do it. But you do. Will it help you if you don't see your mother as much? Or it helps you better by following your conscience doing the right thing that way by continuing contact with her and your aunt?

I know of a woman who had an abusive family member when she was a little girl. She's now in her 50s (?), an author, a well-heard Bible teacher and speaker. Her name is Beth Moore in the US. She resonates with thousands of women who have suffered in their pasts. I watch her speak on YouTube, as well.

God bless you and surround you with real friends and family, Jane Marie. Count me in, please.

 

[misszerable]

I can't imagine how painful it must have been to have a mother like that. Seems to me like she's waiting for you to tell her that you hate her because of what she did to you when you were a child, but you never did so she feels more guilty than ever. She doesn't deserve you and your love and she knows that. I think that deep inside she loves you but she's too self-centered, immature, and insecure. She pretends that she's ignoring your efforts to reach out but in truth, she must be feeling overwhelmed and undeserving of your attention. You deserve to be loved, @janemariesayed and I hope you'll get all the hugs and affection you're craving for.

 

[janemariesayed]

I've never told her that I hate her and I never would. It isn't the way to treat a mother. However, she has been towards me. It's true she and them, have caused me a lot of pain that I still feel. But to bring it up with them would make it worse. I did that with my adoptive family and all hell broke loose. I am very sad about it but I suppose we don't get to choose our family do we!