Anxiety and low self esteem

Firstly @Concernedgal your Husband loves you. warts and all! You both love and need each other. Yes! You may not think that he needs you when you are feeling so low about yourself. But, it is true. He would be lost without you, and you would be lost without him too. He knows your ways and understands better than anyone the symptoms of your suffering. It is paramount for your healing that you stay together. If you went along on this whim of untrue feelings you would feel a whole lot worse. In other words, even though you are not well, you will find it a whole different kettle of fish to cope on your own.

Have you thought about your Husbands state of mind? He's a human being too and loving you and caring for you has helped him to cope in his own world. In his world, it's what he knows, and if he didn't like any of it, he would have left a long time ago. He is still there by your side, though, each and every day. You are by each others side. When you find yourself thinking like this, try to remember to count your little fingers. The two of you are a blessing for each other. Stay strong.

I am familiar with feeling like people would be better without me and that I should just leave but that is just fear rationalising the idea of fleeing by framing it as an act of selflessness. I am in a more stable frame now but hopefully some of this can be of help to you.

First things first, a lot of our thoughts are about fantasy. Things that haven't happened yet and most likely won't go down the way we envision.

Second, you are not your every thought. Your brain is an organ and it will think even if you are not asking it to do it. Thinking and hearing your voice in your head is not the same than that rush of thoughts not helping your insecurities.

Some people recommend fighting and others to ignore it. For me what helps is to accept they will come and not get angry at me for thinking whatever I will be it an inappropriate joke or distrusting someone that has showed me nothing but care. It is my brain that starts but it is my choice to follow.

So with these things when I get a thought like "Everyone would be better if went away" I try to first question how much of that fo I know for a fact. Can I be absolutely sure of what I say without a chance of mistake? No. Your mind will try to rationalise a yes but you know the chance of being wrong is there. This means this is not a fact. Even if your brain insist on it.

The second thing that I do is that I try to focus in the now. Seeing time again like when I was a kid and time was just from this very second a continuous line. What is happening right now? Where am I and what am I doing from outside my head? I usually find that I am just standing or something. Nothing is happening. The storm is in my head. No one is suffering by my actions right now. I am in the room. Part of a house. In a street full of houses in a city... then I try to imagine a beautiful location that calms me down. Like spring with a nice river. Anything that I think helps me relax and feel a bit happier.

I try to feel how I move my toes, how breeze touch my skin and muscles move just to bend my fingers. I make conscious breathing. If I am home alone I ask myself where I am. I ask what is happening or what am I doing which usually is 'nothing' or sitting. Always from the outside.

My best friend helped me by showing me that we all have silly moments and that we will all fail but that is fine. Doing embarrassing things. Saying the wrong thing. Stuttering. Someone not liking our opinion. He told me to embrace it and take myself less seriously.

I dread talking with strangers because I don't know what they like amd they might reject me. Accepting this will happen at some point instead of trying to fight it helps me focus instead on recovery strategies. For example, to fight uncomfortable gaps of silence or that feeling of prople expecting me to talk I have staple simple topics I can feel comfortable talking about.

I also have learned that I don't need to chase that perpetual bliss rush people think is happiness but rather tranquility, contentment.

I am sorry you are dealing with those pesky thoughts and feeling down. I hope you can feel better and hopefully one or two things I say can be of assistance to you. Please take care.

I hope you do stay strong @Concernedgal and remember that we are here if you need us.

You say that one of the things you would like to do is go out on a date with your husband again @Concernedgal and there may be an 'on the way' solution to that. We know that your husband loves you to bits and must be understanding of you as he lives closest to you. Whether he realises it or not he understands you more than anyone. He chose to be in a lifelong partnership with you, no matter what. It is true that he may wish it was a bit different, but that is because he loves you and would only wish that you could enjoy yourself and not suffer as you are. As you can't go out on a date with him, how about making a special night just for the two of you? It can be a special night on your roof terrace, your garden, or snug inside your home. Light candles, incense, put on some soft music, put some flowers around and cook a really special dinner, one that you would not normally make. Place some cushions on the floor and have an evening of 'specialness.' I'm not sure how you get your shopping, but if you could make it as a surprise for him even better. Most supermarkets do deliveries so making it a surprise may not be such a problem.

Having a special night together like this could do many things for the two of you. It could help you both to see what you still mean to each other. It could help you both to see that you don't have to go out to have that date. It would let your husband see that despite how you feel, that he is very special to you. A little romance can go a very long way.

Concernedgal said:

Why can't I just be normal?

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What is 'normal' though? I'm finding that it's more normal to have bouts of anxiety and depression at some point in your life. Often we hanker for what others have, thinking it will be better, but it isn't always as it seems. Many people put on a good front you know, and you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors.

You can only be the person you are, and be the best that you can be. One thing I do see is people trying to be something they are not, or attempting to live a life that isn't compatible with their immediate environment. I t creates discontent and frustration, that leads to people trying or thinking the ought to live in a certain way. Live in a manner that makes you happy, and don't worry about other people and what they are doing.

You aren't alone. I have extremely low self-esteem as well. I never feel like I am as good or as deserving as other people. I feel like no matter how hard I try to do things "right," it never works. It really interferes with my ability to do normal things like go to work sometimes...

Alex said:

What is 'normal' though? I'm finding that it's more normal to have bouts of anxiety and depression at some point in your life. Often we hanker for what others have, thinking it will be better, but it isn't always as it seems. Many people put on a good front you know, and you never truly know what goes on behind closed doors.

You can only be the person you are, and be the best that you can be. One thing I do see is people trying to be something they are not, or attempting to live a life that isn't compatible with their immediate environment. I t creates discontent and frustration, that leads to people trying or thinking the ought to live in a certain way. Live in a manner that makes you happy, and don't worry about other people and what they are doing.

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Everyone suffers from anxiety at some point in their life? Yes it must be true! Although I find it very hard to believe with some people. The truth is that we don't ever know what the other person is thinking. Or even how they truly feel about any given subject. They may be feeling pain in their body or heart. They may be dealing with a situation that they are finding stressful. Not everyone speaks openly about how they really are deep down inside. I know by my own example I hide my true feelings in the outside world. It is an act that I put on for people, to be the way they expect me to be.

Concernedgal said:

As a sufferer. I can honestly say that the pain I feel is so much more than sadness. It's pain in my heart and my soul. And yes... sometimes my body is effected. The body aches and the weird feeling gs in my chest and the tingling in my fingers and toes the chest tightness, oh lord the chest tightness. The dizziness and the faint feeling. What's a person to do? Just let it go? Pretend like it's not happening? Maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side but, it's gotta be better than this. Then again.. maybe not. My moma always said" tears of a clown". They only show there real emotions in private.

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Yes, @Concernedgal it's like a kind of overwhelming sadness that totally consumes the whole body. The other physical pains are just a minor irritation. At least for me anyway. I get dizzy, feel sick stomach aches, headaches itching, tiredness and sharp little pains like a nail being hammered into me. Yet, I ignore those symptoms. I never really took much notice until I read it on this forum one day recently. I do get arthritis in my hip but that is a different pain altogether. My memory is really bad too. I am okay if I can write down answers because it gives me time to think first. Put me on the spot though and I just don't know what to say. If I were to let my feelings be shown in public they would probably put me away or arrest me! Funny, though, I can cry one minute and be totally okay the next. The grass is no way greener on the other side, I tried that when I went to live in Egypt and found there was very little green indeed and mostly shades of brown! that was a lesson for me. Christians say that every person has their own cross to carry. If I think about it, I only want to carry my own cross. I don't know what pains others have to deal with, and others don't know my pains. I am like them and don't show my feelings in public. Maybe one of them thinks they wish they could be me!

I don't know what's up with us human being prepared into this concept of adulthood where we must all contain ourselves and constantly bury our feelings. I suppose it is related to the fear of being alone. Don't be loud. Don't run around. Don't play. Watching TV is fine but playing videogames is immature. It is always about the next thing. A better job. A better house. A better car. Because all we see is people coping fine we think something is out of whack with us when each individual has their own things to deal with.When we compare to other people we are just comparing to our impression of them and what is actually their life.

Concernedgal said:

How do you define"contentment"? You mention that in your answer @Kaynil? To me, the only way I could be content is to stop the constant worry and to be able to go out when I want, be able to talk to someone without a racing heart. I want to be able to go out on date with my husband again and be able to just do anything without a second thought . That is my wish. But, I suppose I would settle for a life without panic. My anxiety used to cause me to feel detached, i'm so grateful that's gone now ? So as i'm writing this.. I realize that. .. maybe I am content. Maybe , although life isn't where I want it to be.. and although people like us will always struggle. . I should try to look at all the positives in my life and try to count my blessings.

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Contentment, for me, is related to acceptance. I am happy writing this got you think a bit on the positive side. A lot of our stress and unhappiness comes from comparison we have and what we think should do. You are telling yourself that to be happy you need everything to go away but as you seem to realise, it is more about embracing the present.The more you become aware of your blessings and just try to take the life one moment at the time it gets better so do baby steps and switch your thinking. Don't think on how to avoid getting nervous, think instead on how to deal with it when it happens. For me a lot has been my partner throwing me there and making me realise it is not as bad as I think. I hated not being able to answer back straight away and drawing blanks. I felt they were waiting for me and it was a lot of pressure but he showed me some people that deliberately speak slow to carefully choose their words and even recorded me to show me that the abysmal pauses I thought i had were not nearly as long and along the way I realised it was fine. The hardest pill for me to swallow is that things take practice and learning to become socially adept takes practice too but because of the anxiety it brings my instinct is to run away from it.

I am horrible at the phone because I am too self-conscious about my accent and as soon someone says the didn't understand what I said I panic but I've had to do the calls myself and while I have a long road I do feel a bit more in control now. I make sure to write down all the info I think I might need and even sentences to start and keep the call going. At the same time I try to keep in mind that if it doesn't go as expected it doesn't matter. It is just one call. I also find helpful to realise that silence is an option in conversations too just as I can say that I don't feel comfortable talking about it and ask them to drop it if they ask why. Most people are way more understanding and take way less offence that what we think they will. I am not sure any of this can help your case but I thought I'd share just in case.

I send you big hugs and I hope things keep slowly but steady becoming better for you.