Recluse?

I am a recluse. I deal with the same issue of being around people and trying to find the words to say. I prefer to avoid one on one conversation. I have found that I am most comfortable with my own solitude. My desire to be alone and comfortable outweighs my interest in what people have to say. Because of this, I struggle with loneliness. I want to interact with others, but I am too socially awkward to have an intimate conversation. So, I find that I spend more time interacting with people via the internet than in person.


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AngelaMc said:

I know what you mean by the loneliness, that is something that happens to me also at times. Thank you for sharing with me it does make me feel better that other people feel like I do. I think interacting with people on the Internet to me is good social therapy.

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I agree. It's ok to be reclusive. There is beauty in the solitude. Calmness. And to be able to share that on a site with others reinforces that feeling.


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Definitely, it has to do with depression and anxiety. Years ago, I was lonely, but I only had one dog. That feeling was terrible and it took me to a real low depressed state of mind. Now I have two dogs and with them running about and playing together the loneliness isn't so paramount. I chat with people on the net a lot, but I hate to go out and see people. I can't think of what to say and get my words jumbled up. I'm frightened of saying something wrong, or that someone will judge me.

@AngelaMc do you live on your own? Do you have any pets, or would you consider getting a pet? A pet can really work wonders for the soul. My two dogs make me feel needed. Not just to feed and walk them, but also, they want plenty of cuddles from me. They get under my feet, they disturb my TV watching. I end up missing the weather for example because they want me to let them out in the garden. I have to think of them for shopping and treats. I have to consider them in all that I do, therefore, they give me something else to think about and consider.

Yesterday, I was reading a book that totally engrossed me. I had to finish it no matter what. Near bedtime, I lay on my bed, with one dog on the futon and the other on my bed beside me. I normally watch a DVD to send me off to sleep. My one year old puppy, who always lies on my bed beside me watches the DVD with me. So last night, when I hadn't put the DVD on, Carly was looking at me, then looking at the DVD, then back at me, then back to the DVD. It was cute, He wanted me to switch on the DVD player! I didn't though because I wanted to finish this book I had started. I brought the book up to my face and then he couldn't see my face. When I lowered the book, the funniest look was on my pups face. He was frowning! So I kept doing it. Lifting the book to cover my face, then lowering it to see the look on his. He made me laugh so much. I put the book down, put on a DVD and we watched it together and he stopped frowning and was happy. How could I ever feel lonely with two other little souls controlling whether I read a book or watch a film?

Maybe my therapy will help me to become more confident again socially. In the meantime, though, my two furry companions are more than enough. I don't feel like I am living on my own at all. Right now, they are running up and down the stairs competing for a squeaky toy. I may live on my own, but there is plenty of life and noise going on that reminds me there are other living beings around me.

I don't think you have to be depressed or anxious to be a recluse, because some people just prefer not to be sociable or are fussy about the company they keep. As long as you are happy and don't feel lonely I don't see an issue with it.

If you are lonely and struggle to interact that maybe down to shyness, confidence, and other factors but not always depression. However when you are depressed or anxious you often have no desire to see or speak to others, so you won't feel lonely per se as you wish to avoid people at all costs. The important thing is to be yourself, and don't compare yourself to others.

The thing with depression, and is also in my case. As much as I know, and I remember that sometimes I have had many friends and have been very sociable. Of course it would be lovely to live like that still. But, my symptoms don't allow it. I've become accustomed to keeping my head low. There is also the problems that I had while I was in Egypt and it seems to have had that adverse effect on me. Now, I'm not bothered if I was to live on a deserted island for the rest of my days. As long as I have a couple of dogs with me.

I read a book by 'Wallis Wattles' years ago. He called it 'The Science Of Getting Rich.' It wasn't just about being rich financially, it was also about richness in all forms. He explained that to be truly rich and revel in abundance, we also need to consider all areas of our lives. That means our relationships with others also. Our social times as well as our health. To be rich, we need a balance in all these areas. Staying home and preferring our own company, and not socialising is not right for the apparent balance we need to be truly happy.

Right now, I'm happy the way I am. As @Alex has said, I have no desire to speak or see, or spend time with anyone. But, I also know that it's not a healthy balance. It makes my agoraphobia worse. It makes my shyness worse. As a result, probably, I stay depressed, remembering the life I lived years ago. It is one thing that I am hoping my therapy will change in me. To want to make friends and have a social life, rather than 'wanting to never see anyone'.

janemariesayed said:

I have no desire to speak or see, or spend time with anyone. But, I also know that it's not a healthy balance. It makes my agoraphobia worse. It makes my shyness worse. As a result, probably, I stay depressed, remembering the life I lived years ago. It is one thing that I am hoping my therapy will change in me. To want to make friends and have a social life, rather than 'wanting to never see anyone'.

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You have to do what is right for you in the present and not what others think or want. Currently I have opted not to interact with a large number of friends and only a handful because I don't want to be in a position to explain myself or make excuses why I don't want to see them or talk to them. It's much better having some kind of control.

A while back I was out at parties (my job) non-stop and I now enjoy the time alone because it's a choice. There is also the point of having good company, I mean why settle for 'friends' because there is no one else if they aren't nice or abuse your friendship? I see a lot of that, and an ex of mine said he had friends, but they weren't really as not one helped him move house on a Saturday. He carried on hanging out with them for the sake of it, and to me that's sad.

I was a recluse for two years and it was something I had to do for myself to keep my sanity. I turned away from my old friends, officemates, and even from some relatives to heal myself and restore my desire to live. I hated explaining myself and I don't know why people would ask what my plans are like I'm still a kid who knows nothing about life. I wanted to grieve and cry like a little child for my dad and my sis and I can afford to stop working for a while, why should people care? I was sure that my neighbors did not actually mean to pry when they ask me why they no longer see me rushing out to work every morning, but I hated to explain to everyone who cares to ask.

The important thing is, I know very well that that was just a phase that I needed to go through to survive. I needed those two years to get myself together again. I have a child to raise and I want to give him the best I can give, the same way that my dad gave his best for us up to his dying breath. Oh no, this thread is making me cry again... but yes, I need to cry, too.

misszerable said:

The important thing is, I know very well that that was just a phase that I needed to go through to survive.

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I think you did the right thing, and sometimes people think it's weird or aren't brave enough to do it. I have a friend who goes through bouts, and we used to say "Are you on lockdown?" when he didn't want to leave his home. Every now and then we need to take a step back to sort things out and you can only do it without distractions and pressure from others. At times you need more than a couple of years, and in hindsight even if you do go out, at times it's for the sake of it rather than to enjoy it. I realized when I was out and just rather be at home under a duvet that it's what I should do, so I did.

I am a recluse as well, but I am great at faking it. In front of others, I seem like the friendliest person. Even workers in stores know me by name and go out of their way to talk to me. People at 7-11 know me when I go in to get my Big Gulp. They always know what's going on in my life, because they're always talking to me and I'm always talking to them.
Ironically, I would prefer to not interact at all. My Dad is the same way. It's probably a social skill I picked up from him. We are seen as VERY friendly, happy, smiley people and everyone seems to be drawn to us, yet we are most comfortable in a quiet, empty room with maybe only a TV going on in the background. (And of course my pets, I love being surrounded by all my pets.)

I agree. It's all about putting on face. Dealing with people when I have to with a smile and facial conversation. Then, going back into my solitude and surrounding myself with that. When I travel, I always travel alone. Hiking, hunting and camping on my own and surviving that way in nature. I have my cat that keeps me company. We entertain each other and prefer it that way. I live with roommates, but I stay in my part of the house. Away from them and their pets. And my cat is the same. We go out and socialize briefly, and then go back into our place where we can be ourselves.


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I feel people confuse a recluse with being private. There is nothing wrong about being private and not sharing all on social media or standing outside chatting to people all of the time. I guess sometimes it comes down to media perceptions where some less than stable people are seen as reclusive so people see it as scary.

It's not always the case though, and I am sociable but selectively, but I do prefer my own company most of the time until I can find people on my wavelength or who are interesting. I've been like this since childhood, and would rather read my books in the playground than to play with children I didn't like!

I am quite the recluse in real life. I spend most of my time that I am not working on my computer. I don't really go out and do things much except with my brother. I have trouble talking to people as well. It's not because I don't like people; it's because I'm just afraid.