I've Just Had My Therapy Assessment.

Well, I've just got off the phone after an hour and ten minutes assessment with a therapist. She was really good in the sense that she came across as caring and understanding of my issues.

She says I have a lot of issues to deal with and is at this moment talking with a colleague to find the best way forward for me. She was gentle with me and told me that I would benefit from long term therapy rather than short term.

I was so anxious to speak with her but my fears were unfounded. I've cried a lot today because of thinking and talking about the things that depress me. I am so very hopeful, though. She thanked me for being honest and open, but I think that is the only way to help myself. Each consultation is confidential so I felt at ease to tell her everything and answer her questions.

She is going to call me back later on this afternoon and let me know what she and her colleague think is the best help for me. Fingers crossed I can get through this without doing anything silly. It is really hard to dig it all up, but I know it's the only way I'm ever going to sort my head out. God help all of us who have been put through a mental hell. We deserve healing.

It would aggravate me greatly @Alex if I couldn't get therapy because the funding was used for migrants instead. I tried for therapy before. Just last year in fact. Then I had an assessment from the ESA and they decided I was fit and scored me a zero. My work coach told me that where I went for my ESA assessment had just nurses available and they would not have assessed me on my mental health at all. Of course, I would score a zero if they had assessed me on my physical health because I'm fine that way - thankfully.

It has made me make a conscious decision to fight for my rights to get help. (In case they won't allow it for any reason.) For example, last year when I was having therapy, then the ESA said I was fit and put me back to JSA. I could not do therapy and work so the therapy got stopped. Although that is not the only reason I stopped therapy with that counselor.

I have to speak with my work coach today, it's a telephone appointment and I am dreading telling him that they are recommending long term therapy instead of short term.

The lady who assessed me called me back after discussing it with her colleague and said that they only do an eight week therapy. She said that would not be of any help and that they were referring me to a different place for long term therapy instead. So I am waiting for them to call me and go through another telephone assessment before it can all begin. She is also getting in touch with my Doctor and making another appointment with him. I didn't tell him everything that is in my head and she felt that he should know the things that I told her. She was very good and asked me for permission first, and I agreed with her.

Really, if anyone is depressed, or anxious or suffering a mindful illness of any kind, the only way forward is complete honesty. However embarrassed or ashamed one feels. If they know the full plight, they can find a way to help. It hasn't been easy finding a therapist, but my honesty in revealing my feelings and perseverance is really going to help me.

I had a dream last night. It was a dream about my Grandmother (She has died a number of years ago.) who was actually talking about my Dad/Granddad. He had some serious issues and was in and out of prison for various bad things he did. She said that people can change. Even though she was talking about him, I know that in dreams it is really about the dreamer and not about who is dreamt about. (Mostly, at least.) So I think I had a good dream last night, the message for me being that I can change. Things are going to get better. It may take a while, but with hard work and perseverance it will pay off.

I was seeing MIND last year @Alex. The last time I saw them, I told my counselor that I was feeling suicidal and agoraphobic. I didn't go to my next appointment and I got a phone call from them after two weeks. What if I'd have injured myself, it would have been a bit late to help me! They said that if I didn't keep to my appointments then I would be struck off their list. My actual counselor didn't call me until two or three months later. Three months, I think because it was quite recent.

The lady who assessed me yesterday is pushing for long term therapy for me. I had it before on the NHS and it lasted for two years. It was with a full blown shrink who used to counsel the people who were in prison. But in those two years, it was only one subject that was dealt with.

She listened to my issues and definitely wrote them down because she repeated them back to me at the end of our conversation. She said it was a lot of issues and needed long term help. So I may end up getting it now. It's not been easy, though, as with MIND it was just once a month which was of no help at all.

I don't like to make threats or anything like that, but if I needed to, I would make noises. I was sexually abused in the children's home, where I was the Government's responsibility. Then I was sexually abused in the adopted home I went to. When I was adopted, I had to go to court. The Judge told me that neither my natural Mother or Father could be found so he made me a ward of court. Then he sent me to live with my adopted family who sexually abused me. I found out years later that my Father was visited in prison at the time and told to sign the papers to give me up for adoption but he refused. so I was lied to in court. If I don't get the help I need then I could start to point fingers at who is responsible for a 5 year old child being abused in a children's home, and why I was lied to in court and then sent to a place by that Judge where I was again made a victim. Then again, I can ask questions why I was lied to about my Father not being found. There would be a record of the visit as he was in prison at the time. It is all checkable.

God help me I don't want to go public, so the fight is on for me to get the help I need. By hook or by crook I will get the help I need. I've decided that I am worth it. I deserve to heal. Thankfully I have never really needed the medical services for physical problems. Just the mental. The lady who assessed me yesterday said that I should have had counseling years before now.

It is such a shame that they think that we can be cured in only eight weeks. Maybe some can, but I don't think that those ones are really suffering like the rest of us. Take my Sister for example. Getting a bit down because she had put on half a stone. This eight week thing is just a cut cost scenario so we can take care of you know who instead.

Really, I am thanking my lucky stars that this lady who assessed me yesterday, and her colleague, decided after two hours of deliberation that I would benefit from long term therapy. And, I will get it for free too @Alex, because that should not have happened to me in a place where the British Government placed me.