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Speaking up

Alex

Alex

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At times I let things go when people have bad habits or say inappropriate things, but sometimes you need to speak up and tell them. Recently my father's habits stressed me out and I had to tell him. Usually I just let it go, and have done most of my life just to make life easier and out of respect, but some days I just snap.

I think as long as it's done in a calm way it's okay. There is a fine line between putting up with things or telling people that their habits stress you out. I drew the line the other day and told him, and he didn't say anything. I told my mother who agreed it stressed her out too, so I didn't feel so bad. Maybe be need to be brave as long as what we are saying is rational and not picky. For the record, I picked a carton of juice to put in the cart in the shop, but his habit is not to trust you and he will root through and one a new box and get one he likes or thinks is 'better'. After 30 odd years of this, it's hard and he isn't always right. The other week he picked several dented tins which had to return to replace.
 
pwarbi

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A lot of people will find that they don't find it easy to speak up, and a lot of the time things are left not said because we don't want to rock the boat so to speak. It's a lot easier to put up and shut up than what it is to stand there and say actually...you know what, I'm not going to take this anymore.

Often when a person that isn't used to sticking up for themselves does so for the first time it can come as a great relief, and you'll often find that the reaction you get isn't what you'd imagine and you end up wishing you'd done it a lot sooner as it's not as bad as what you thought.
 
tomorrow

tomorrow

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Alex said:
At times I let things go when people have bad habits or say inappropriate things, but sometimes you need to speak up and tell them. Recently my father's habits stressed me out and I had to tell him. Usually I just let it go, and have done most of my life just to make life easier and out of respect, but some days I just snap.

I think as long as it's done in a calm way it's okay. There is a fine line between putting up with things or telling people that their habits stress you out. I drew the line the other day and told him, and he didn't say anything. I told my mother who agreed it stressed her out too, so I didn't feel so bad. Maybe be need to be brave as long as what we are saying is rational and not picky. For the record, I picked a carton of juice to put in the cart in the shop, but his habit is not to trust you and he will root through and one a new box and get one he likes or thinks is 'better'. After 30 odd years of this, it's hard and he isn't always right. The other week he picked several dented tins which had to return to replace.
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Yes, you are very true and I think it happens with everybody. You had to speak up for your father because you do care for him. But If we do it with some others who are not close to us it may create issues.

Like smoking is a wide spread issue and I have seen parents smoking in front of their kids and that is while sitting very near to them. It is a fact that second hand smoking could be very dangerous for kids as it is ten fold harmful than direct smoking. We can advise him to stay away from smoking or latest in front of kids, but it is up to them to follow it. Sometimes they may even get frustrated as they don't like advice from somebody else.
 
Alex

Alex

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I guess we have to live with peoples habits at times, but when it gets stressful it can be hard. We can walk away from some people, but not always the family.

I choose to speak up when I have no other choice, or when it affects me and my well being. It's happened before, and it doesn't always go down well, even if others agree with me and think it was something that needed to be said. Often I do it for my own peace of mind, because I know will have done what I can, and not think I wish I had said something. The consequences are not always great, but I have thick skin!
 
Alexandoy

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Speaking up is one weakness that gives me difficulty. I am grouchy when it comes to subordinates but I become the direct opposite when it comes to superiors. A simple mistake by our housemaid would elicit my loud voice and nagging reprimand because I am meticulous at home. In the office, it is the same with my staff. But with my friends who are sometimes abusive, I am meek and mild.
 
to7update

to7update

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That's something I totally agree @Alex with and I have the same issue with my parents. Sometimes I think, I am not picking up a fight because something as small as this, but other times I do speak up because we need to pick our battles and we need to draw a line between what is acceptable and what is not.

Why don't you stand up against your friends when they are abusing @Alexandoy?
 
Alex

Alex

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Alexandoy said:
Speaking up is one weakness that gives me difficulty. I am grouchy when it comes to subordinates but I become the direct opposite when it comes to superiors. A simple mistake by our housemaid would elicit my loud voice and nagging reprimand because I am meticulous at home. In the office, it is the same with my staff. But with my friends who are sometimes abusive, I am meek and mild.
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If your friends are abusive, are they real friends or friends worth having? I only say this because they can cause more harm than good in the long run. From the sounds of it they don't sound like nice friends, so is there is a reason you put up with it?

It shouldn't be about position in society, as long as things are done respectfully, but I am realistic in that this can't always happen.
 
Alexandoy

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Alex said:
If your friends are abusive, are they real friends or friends worth having? I only say this because they can cause more harm than good in the long run. From the sounds of it they don't sound like nice friends, so is there is a reason you put up with it?

It shouldn't be about position in society, as long as things are done respectfully, but I am realistic in that this can't always happen.
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You are right that they are not abusive all the time. I really cannot explain it but I am not alone in that opinion that there are times some of my friends abuse my generosity. Aside from borrowing money, they come to our home to have free lunch. We are a hospitable family so we never fail to offer our guests food. That's the catch, they come for that although not always. With the borrowing of money. I have learned to say no some 10 years ago. Yeah, it took me that long to learn how to refuse lending them money.
 
Alex

Alex

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Alexandoy said:
You are right that they are not abusive all the time. I really cannot explain it but I am not alone in that opinion that there are times some of my friends abuse my generosity. Aside from borrowing money, they come to our home to have free lunch. We are a hospitable family so we never fail to offer our guests food. That's the catch, they come for that although not always. With the borrowing of money. I have learned to say no some 10 years ago. Yeah, it took me that long to learn how to refuse lending them money.
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I'm glad it's not all of the time, but friendships need give and take and while I get that sometimes people lose their tempers or take advantage, they should be one off incidents. I usually give people a couple of chances, and then confront and if there is no joy, then I allow that friendship to drift away.

In the past my generosity has been used ad abused, but I don't expect anything in return. It's a surprise, because you think people would wish to help, but when they don't you then may question what was the friendship based on? It's a two way relationship, and after a while when there is too much giving it can be too exhausting IMHO to keep it going.
 
tyche

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I think that if we can't tolerate something, we lose more by being silent, since people can't really read minds, so you're better off just saying what bothers or upsets you so that everything is clear. The only exception to that is when the person is waiting for a reaction from you on what he's doing because he wants attention, so in that case it's better to ignore that person.
 
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